Kinky Christmas

Well my fav forum Fetlife is having a kinky christmas giveaway and to enable extra chances they want us to pimp out the giveaway.... So here goes....

Woot :D

Okay well the votes are in and we now know what is happening at work....

As of 31/03/10 I will no longer work for COFELY, I have had my VR accepted so I will get a nice big wedge of cash at the end of it all. Most of the admin will be moving to Sheffield by the end of the year but those of us that are not staying are staying on to help close the office down.

If I can get a job that starts in April then I should be able to pay off my loan in FULL with the money I get from them.... Debt free.... what an amazing feeling....

*Meh*

Well things at work have not improved at all..... They have still not told any of us what is happening with the move to the Sheffield office, we all have meetings with the evil twins on Friday.

But people have started to leave already, Bridgette went las Friday, Mark finished today, Dawn finishes on Monday and Emily finishes next Friday..... With the office being as empty as it is the atmosphere is so low, no-one can seem to rouse themselves to do any real work, we are just doing the urgent stuff and then chatting and mooching. But that is because they have been so crap at giving us any information.

Musings

Well it's been ages since I have had the time to sit down and organise my thoughts. So much has been happening it is enough to make my head spin.

WORK

Well week before last they decided to announce that they are closing the Derby office down.... GOD DAMN IT.... They are moving it all the Sheffield...

So as soon as they announced it I told them that I would be applying for the voluntary redundancy as there is no way that I can get tot he Sheffield office.

Mac has said that the office may stay up into the second quarter of next year but that some of the services will be moving to the Sheffield office soon, lord knows what that means but we shall see....

So I have put in for the voluntary payment, but they still have to approve it. They can reject it on the grounds that I am 'essential to the business' but when I have my 1-2-1 with Marilyn and Graham I made sure that I did not tick the boxes that they wanted, that should put me in the bottom part of the pool of people since they were not wanting to judge people on their 'personalities' only on the 'set criteria' they had on the list.

RELATIONSHIPS

Well we have finally admitted it, me and Faulkner are dating.... something that I thought would never happen. At the moment it is all so new that sometimes it feels odd but it feels good to feel so safe and cherised, not a feeling I am used to anymore.

Not sure how it happened, we started spending more and more time together, he helped me through the mess that my head was with Al and Jo. He cheered me up and kept me busy when I needed it and then let me chill out and be alone when I needed that too....

And slowly but surely the friendship developed into something else. But it is not a bad thing, I am content at the moment. I have a loving boyfriend (sounds so wyrd saying that) and a lovely new collar locked around my neck.

It feels safe, comfy and kinda right to have the collar there, we are learning the whole D/s journey together and it is fun and freaky all at once. At the moment we are just playing together but I know that it is developing into something more. I mean the collar I have on it padlocked to me and I do not have a key to it, he has one and he has hidden the spare key.

Tarot Read No 3

Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan

Card 1 : Present : 4 of Pentacles
Hanging back emotionally in a situation

Card 2 : Influences : The Lovers
Rather obvious at the moment I think....

Card 3 : Your Thoughts : The Devil
Being in a situation that is dragging you down

Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial independance

Card 5 : Your Thoughts : King of Cups
Kind and loyal person

Card 6 : Immediate Future : King of Swords
A man who is strong, logical and just

Card 7 : Fears : Ace of Pentacles
Cash

Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 3 of Wands
Progress being made towards a goal

Card 9 : Hopes : The Star
Harmony in a new relationship

Card 10 : Outcome : The Chariot
Triumph. Internal conflict that needs to be controlled.

Additional Cards

Card 11 : The Moon : Highly charged emotions

Card 12 : 8 of Pentacles : New employment

Card 13 : Knight of Pentacles : A man who is just and reliable

Card 14 : 4 of Swords : Time to recoup is needed

It's Complicated

Title says it all....

Over the last week or so I have been playing with Faulkner and I have got some lovely markings from it all and it has been soooo much fun.

But my brain is still trying to process it all and I have to admit that it is baffling me a bit. I know that we have a good relationship, he has been there for me through so much crap since mum died and I can be totally myself around him but is this playing going to wreck all of that or will it improve on what we have at the moment.......

But I have to admit that the play that we have been doing has been a lot of fun and yeah we are both learning but I am enjoying all that we are learning, he has had me blissed out and super relaxed a couple of times.... but wibble.... brain is melting....

*bounce*

*bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce*

Sooooo happy and bouncy today, not sure why but am sitting in the office bouncing all over the place. Not sure if it is the happy pills from the doc kicking in at last or the orange juice I have been drinking all week that has done this to me but I like it. I have not been in a mood this good for months......

Am also in serious lust for a sofa I have seen in the Co-op with Kat this lunch, now I just need to find the £1500 that I need to buy it :( May have to go and get dad to come to lunch with me and see if he will lend me the cash to buy it with.....

WTF??

OK something is odd in the world.... all of a sudden on FL I have men messaging me!!! And they have all seen my fat ass in the pics I have on my profile.... I don't get it.... But then I think I am a giant fat heifer moo, apparently I am not but *shrugs*

But 3 in the last week!?!?!?

Sooooo Tired

I am sooooo tired this week, not sure why as I am sleeping quite well for once but don't seem to be able to shake being knackered.... I am assuming that it is a side affect of the anti depressents but I just want to feel awake for a while....

Oh well I guess it could be worse....

Weekly Ponderings

Well I have got through another week and I have to admit that it does seem to be getting easier to cope day to day. I don't know if it is the drugs kicking in (they reckon this takes 4-6 weeks so probably not) or if using this new method of thinking I am trying is having an affect.

I am trying 2 of the principles of the FISH philosophy at the moment:

1. Choose your attitude - For me it is about choosing to let the depression get the better of me, or choosing to try and find the best in every moment. I know that I will/am having moments where it will get the better of me but I have to learn to recognise them and then turn it all around and find the best in the situation.

2. Be present - This is about giving your full attention to everything you are doing, be it somethign important like dealing with a client, or simple like answering a question someone has asked. You need to be fully present in all situation, give the situation/person your full attention.

Following these at work this week I have been more productive than I have been for ages and I have been able to deal with all the crap that they have thrown at me. The systems have faulted out, I have had to deal with 'urgent' work from the IT morons at Head Office, I was put on Helldesk but I have been able to deal with it all.

I will admit that it was a hard week, I had my moments where I thought I was going to break again but I just went out walking and chilled out and got on with it. Shall have to see how this goes but it is looking up.....

Well we went to The Attic last night for the Elektric or Treat party. I was a bit nervous about going as it was the first time I was going to see Al and Jo properly together. But it was surprisingly easy, tbh not that much was different between me and Al but I knew that from the other night anyway.

It was harder to see Jo as she found me in the loo's early on and we had a chat and she seemed really emotional, kinda got to me cos I do miss her so much.... But she is going to pop round one day soon to watch Twilight as she is going to come to the cinema with me and Kat to watch New Moon when it comes out.

Watching Maddie and Trustee do the violet wand demo was good fun, and I got a lil bit of zappage but I only did a bit as there were lots of people there that had never had the experience. Though I did get to kiss Maddie when she was live and that was really cool, I got a shock and then this metallic taste... and my whole tongue was tingling afterwards.

From about 11pm I was sat round the corner in the chill out area with Faulkner as I just wanted to relax and I was sitting in the corner of the sofa with my feet up on the arm of the one in front and he was running his fingers up and down my leg trying to tickle me and damn if it didn't tickle like mad.... But I worked on resisting it and by the time we moved at 1ish he was having to tickle my ears as I had managed to block the sensation/reaction in just about everywhere else.

Though while he was trying to get me to squirm he ran his hand over my neck and I couldn't help my reaction, and of course he noticed and carried on, but then he noticed that if he ran his whole hand round my throat and pressed that I kinda enjoyed that even more... So he started playing like that even more and apparently I was making cute little noises, I honestly couldn't say if I was or not as I was just melting into the sofa.... breathe play *nummy*.....

Hmmmm

Well end of the first week back at work and I have to admit that I am totally knackered, it is only 8.30 and I could happily go to bed and sleep... may well do that soon and damn the time...

The week hasn't been too bad, just been getting through it more than anything, have had really down moments, manic moments and crazy moments but overall they have kind of blended into a 'meh' week. But hey at least I am getting out of bed and interacting with the rest of the world...

Went to see Al on Weds and gave him the keys etc back, went surprisingly well. It was like nothing had happened. We sat and chatted, at least we did once we had spent 20mins calming Jesse down....

Got all the shiny new pc's at work today too, morons didn't install Citrix on any of the 18 machines though *growls* so we have only managed to get 10 of them set up today, but will be doing the rest on Monday.

Back to the Real World

Okay first day back at work today, felt really weird being back in the office, it didn't feel quite real at first.

I was able to survive the day but I have to admit that at lunch it was hard to make myself go back, especially as I was on the helldesk to cover Mary's lunch. But Kat took me out for the hour and I was able to go back, even if it was a battle.

Got through to the end of the day, but my shoulders were sooooooo tense it was unreal.

What I Want

Okay I have been thinking recently what do I want/need from a relationship?

Well the obvious thing is that I need someone who is into kink, I am a submissive and I have tried a vanilla relationship and it didn't work out. I want someone who will take control, who will take me and break me down and then rebuild me. I am still very new to the whole D/s world but I want to explore as much as possible and am willing to try most things once.

I want to be able to have him come up and run his hand into my hair/along my neck in that 'please do my bidding' gesture and knowing that my compliance will please him and earn me a smile. To be able to wear his mark around my neck, be it a noticeable collar or a more subtle something that only we know the meaning of but that still gives me the satisfaction of knowing that he has chosen to mark me as his property.

Outside of the kink world I need someone who will communicate with me, I know the usual order is tall, dark and handsome but I have found that I need someone that will talk to me more than anything. I don't need 24/7 contact but if I send a message in any format I need to know that they will respond, maybe not straight away (we all have busy lives) but the same day would be nice.

I need someone who can cope with the fact that I need to know that I mean something to them but who will accept that I am one of those people that every now and then needs alone time. I can't cope with being ignored or side lined, if I am in a relationship then I need some attention, to be able to spend time with them. From spending time trying out new ways of pushing my limits in ways that please us both, from a new way of tying me up, to giving me away to be used by others or at the other end of the spectrum enjoying a walk through the park at night together.

Whoever I end up with needs to be able to accept that I am poly, I have only recently put a name to it but I have found that monogamy just doesn't work for me. There is one guy in my life already who I love deeply but we know that we do not work as a traditional couple, we tried and it collapsed in a big old mess but we worked through it and now we are simply lovers, he will never be out of my life so any new person will have to accept him as being there.

A tall order I am sure but a girl can wish....

URK

Okay remind me never to go out and start drinking at lunchtime and carry on til closing again.... My hangover sucks but I did have a good time yesterday.

Jay is back in Derby for a few days before he ships off to Canada and I have to admit that without Lisa there we kind of just fell back into how we used to be together. We sat and chatted about everything and nothing for hours.

We talked about mum and the rest of the family, he talked about the break up with Karrie. We drank, we ate and eventually we went to the cinema, then we drank some more. We were going to go clubbing but my head was spinning so we came home.

It was just so easy to be with him, he knows what I am thinking and why, scary really as we have not really talked that much recently but we are still on the same wavelength. For once we didn't end up in bed though, we had talked about it and it was very tempting but we decided that we are both a bit too messed up in the head to do that at the moment. Though we are meeting up when he gets back from Canada, and he has asked me out there for a few weeks when he has the mid tour leave.

What to Do!!!

Hmmmm, all this time off is giving me too damn much time to think, allsorts of things are running through my head.

Been keeping myself busy though..... today I have sorted out the bookcase in the living room and I am the proud owner of 230 catlogued books.... only took 3 hours....

Last night went for a walk with Faulkner and we went up to the park in ockbrook and sat up the rope pyramid again. I managed to find a nice new comfy position to lie in. I have to admit that it was a lovely evening, a nice long walk and then we chilled out with some food and general natter....

*ponders*

Okay been very introspective recently and been going over the various people that are influencing me and my life at the moment, damn if it's not confusing....

Mum
This is obviously the biggie at the moment, 6 months down the line losing her is still the hardest damn thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still a big gaping hole that hasn't healed and I am pretty sure that it never will, and the it will just get less painful as time goes on.

Dad
He is still so fragile, think he is worse than me and I feel so helpless to help him, all I can do it be there for him.

Sprog
Can't believe that her and Char have split up, she is holding up well considering, but if she is anything like me and dad then that is only when she is with people. But we are a stubborn family who just don't show emotion in public/in front of people. The only one who did was mum!!

Kat
My rock, bless her she puts up with sooooo much crap from me, but I can't lie to her or hide anything from her.

Faulkner
I love my him, one of my best friends, puts up with almost as much crap as Kat does. He helps to keep me sane. He is one of the few people who know me well enough to get inside the shields I have in place.

Kat seems to think that I should just get it out the way and sleep with him, she shocked me with that one today while we were sitting up the rope pyramid at the park. She says that we are practically dating, we spend alot of time together, we go out together. But I don't think I could, I have wrecked 2 friendships that way already and I really couldn't face losing him.

Jo
Okay this is a new hole in me, still shiny and fresh, must stop poking it.... I think I may have been falling for her, I know that I care for her still, damn it is hurting to type this and know that she is not mine anymore. Even though I made the choice that doesn't mean that it can't hurt me. Strong, sexy woman that I am still proud to call friend!

I know that it will be hard when I see her next, I only get to hug her and not kiss her, but it was my choice so I need to live with it.

Al
Another shiny new hole that I keep poking even though it hurts. Again I think there were some pretty strong emotions, on my part at least, maybe not love but I had accepted him as my Master and trusted him with all that entails. Going through that last few months of posts it is obvious that I have been having a hard time with it all.

I have to admit that ending it was harder that I thought, still makes me cry to think about leaving him and Jo. I feel like such a chicken for the way I did it too but I could barely type the text out for tears let alone actually say the words without collapsing in a blubbing heap.

The mad thing is that if he was stood in front of me and ordered me onto my knees I would, deep down I think I am still his, it's not filtered through properly yet that I walked away. Maybe it is a deep down hope that they will sort things out and that if I begged enough he would take me back, who knows...

Jay
Not the most complicated thing in my life but a new one. He is now a single man again as it is over with Karrie. I feel so sorry for him but he is coming to Derby before he goes off on his next tour of duty to Canada and we are going to meet up.

It's been ages since I have seen him, and we usually end up kissing, yes even when he was married. What we had for those 6 months was so intense and mind blowing, if it is anything like it used to be we will end up in bed. Maybe that is what I need right now, damn good uncomplicated nooky.... well we will find out....

Okay brain dump over....

Submissives Creed

I am a submissive woman…
I find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship
I am not weak, or stupid.
I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy.

His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?
If He says I am His princess, then I am that… regal and graceful.
And if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?
If He says I am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then I am that… as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
I have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided I need, and so I learn from Him.

My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when His belt caresses me with fire.

I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.
My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.

Author Unknown

Tarot Reading No 2

Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.

Card 1 : Present : 4 of Wands
Stability after hard work, a sense of contentment with oneself

Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth in a relationship

Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Knight of Wands
Change of residence, long journey to be taken

Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial stability

Card 5 : Past Issues : 10 of Swords
Feeling of loss due to the ending of a difficult situation

Card 6 : Immediate Future : 9 of Cups
The achievement of an important desire

Card 7 : Fears : The Devil
A passionate and compelling relationship but not a healthy one

Card 8 : Environmental Factors : Knight of Cups
Offers being bought to you that will be accompanied by a high level of excitement

Card 9 : Hopes : The World
Accomplishment of a goal that has been steadily worked towards

Card 10 : Outcome : Page of Wands
Good news coming in

Additional Readers Fan

Card 11 : Justice
Using the intellectual mind rather than the emotional one

Card 12 : 2 of Wands
Focus on future plans and put in the required energy

Card 13 : 9 of Wands
Perseverence is the key, do not stop now

Card 14 : 8 of Swords
Look at the situation differently, the answer is available

Tarot Reading

Okay after the events of yesterday decided to do a reading :

Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.

Question Asked : Did I make the right choice with Al and Jo?

Card 1 : Present : Knight of Wands
Can represent a change of residence or long journey

Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth or change in a relationship, reconciliation

Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Temperance
Patience, moderation, balanced emotions

Card 4 : Immediate Past : Judgement
New beginnings

Card 5 : Past Issues : 5 of Cups
Disappointment, betrayal, loss of a relationship

Card 6 : Immediate Future : Hierophant
Finding a mentor, need to find the deeper meaning to life

Card 7 : Fears : 7 of Cups
Too many choices, need to be practical and methodical in making a choice

Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 7 of Swords
A situation not going as planned

Card 9 : Hopes : Queen of Swords
Has known suffering and loss, inner strength

Card 10 : Outcome : Empress
Growth, prosperity, happy conculsions

Card 11 : 3 of Swords
Seperation, family upheaval, hope for the future

Card 12 : Lovers
Realationship issues

Card 13 : 3 of Wands
Positive pattern of progression. Need to keep planning to keep moving

Card 14 : Queen of Pentacles
Not afraid of hard work.

Double Damn

Okay, something I wasn't able to put down last night as it was just too damn painful.... I am once again a single girl. It was my own choice, I called it quits. I just wasn't able to cope with everything that was going on with Al and Jo as well as falling into the nice deep pit of depression I seem to be headed for...

God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.

But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.

Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.

Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.

Damn

Okay so you think that you are getting your life back under some kind of control and then it all just blows up.... crap... yep my life has blown up, or rather down, had such a bad week last week, it started okay and was able to be almost normal for a ood portion of the time but by the time the Munch rolled round on Wednesday I was ready to just curl up and admit defeat..

But I went, I tried not to kill the puppy for crowding me. I think I did okay until about 9pm, then I had to sneak out of the pub for a while, it seriously felt like I was not able to breath, too many people and the cost of keeping up the act, so nipped to the loo and then out the door on the way back up before anyone could stop me....

I got a few funny looks when I got back in but hey *shrugs* am used to that now....

The docs have referred me for grief counselling, I am not bothered much but if they think it will help then it can't hurt to try it.

14th September 2009

Urk... so do not want to go back to work today. I am still feeling unhinged and want to hide under my quilt but hey gotta go to work so I can pay the bills.... *groans*

Here we go, see me getting out the chair..... okay that didn't work...... nope not that time either.....

Damn it all to hell while can't my life make sense for once..... would make this all so much easier and more bearable....

13th September 2009

Okay just got back from The Attic and letting the food settle and since the server is down on WoW again thought that I would have a quick brain dump.

Still feel like I am slowly losing my mind but it is getting better, it is not every day now, I do have days where I am just me, not the old me, she is dead and gone. I know that it is part of the natural grief process and when I spoke to the doc he was not worried that this was happening, was relieved that it was finally happening for me.

It is so odd when it happens. I will be doing something benign and normal like cooking tea and all of a sudden I will be in floods of tears, and I don't mean little rivulets of tears gently trickling down my face, I mean screaming, heaving sobs, snot, tears and hiccups floods of tears.... the ugly sort that you only get when you totally let go. And it is like that every single time and I have no control over it at all. Sometimes I will feel it starting and I have enough time to stop what I am doing and get comfy but other times I will end up curled up in a ball on the floor. Damn I hate it!!!! But there is no-one that can help me, if people are around then yeah I don't cry but it kind of builds up inside and is then ten times worse when I get alone again. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone to go and get a cuddle from but with all the crap that has been going off with Al and Jo recently I don't have that luxury.

Still not sure what the hell is going on with Al, he has barely spoken to me this week while I have been off work. I got 1 text on Wednesday saying he would give me a call when he got in to go round for a chat and when I got it the text was saying that he was too busy.

I will admit that I got one today saying about being at The Attic for 8pm and when to be at the house to get there and asking if I would like to play, but did he think that while he has been off sorting himself out that I just assumed he would take me and not make other arrangements. I had arranged to go with Faulkner so I sent a very quick one back to say I would be going with Faulkner and would see him there.

Didn't say anything to the play comment because to be honest I do not want the first play in months to be something so impersonal as a public play. I know that some people may think that something is better than nothing but to be honest it has been so long now that I would rather have nothing than a tiny impersonal taster so I started craving again, at the moment I don't mind, the urge has been left for so long I have gone past caring about it.

If I am going to do anything it will be after we have had a talk and will be in private, if he is unwilling to do anything in private then why the hell would I let it happen in public. At the moment my emotions are too much all over the place to trust in public with something like this, so I know that I would not be able to relax into anything for having to control my emotions.

Plus I have to admit to trying to push buttons or at least get a reaction, am sick of being bloody ignored... So some of the comments on FL have been a bit forward, the text I sent back was very short and sharp and deliberately ignoring the play question, not wearing my collar tonight, I admit to them being provoking. But no reaction to any of them as yet... oh well....

But then Al didn't seem like himself tonight, can't put my finger on why but it was almost an act to seem normal. It is possible hell most of the time I am acting at the moment so that people don't see what all this is doing to me...

23rd August 2009

I feel so lost at the moment, not sure what is the matter...

I keep finding myself breaking down into tears or sitting there just staring into space. Most of the time I can put the happy face on and get on with life as normal but I have these 'moments' and I just break down. There is nothing that is a common denominator about them. Have had it happen while cooking tea, out walking.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I must admit that the other day I was sat there and I felt like cutting myself. I know that it is wrong and I didn't but the urge was so very very strong. It was the one release that I had other than drink which I now barely do cos that tends to just get me in trouble and is much harder to stop, or at least it was when I fell in the bottle all those years ago.

When these moments happen it hurts so much, I want to just curl up and die. The only thing that I want is the one thing that I can never have again. I know that her not being here is a huge part of this but it is not the only part. Everything is so different and as much as I love my friends if I can't explain it to me then how the hell can I explain it to them.

There is no-one I can reach out to when this happens, yes there are friends I could call but if they came round the happy smiley face would go back on, I can't cry in front of people, I just can't... I could ask Al to beat me until I break but he's barely talking to me and won't touch me outside a public party so that is out the question.

Bugger it all.... I will just carry on and break down bit by bit no bugger will notice and probably won't care either.

12th August 2009

Okay have deleted the 'nilla blog cos I wasn't keeping the stupid thing up-to-date, it was too hard to keep it all light and fluffy when I just don't feel like that at the moment...

Work is so annoying at the moment. Found out today that I now fall under the admin team leader, that alone doesn't bother me it was just the way tht I found out. The new office manager (the one that no-one has actually been told about, we all just worked it out) came up and asked me if I had had my return to work with my line manager. So I laughed and said that Mac hadn't done the last 3.... then she said that it was the admin team leader that would be doing it and hadn't I been told that she was now my line manager.... GRRRRRR

7th August 2009

Okay am now on my own for a week as Al and Jo are off to Tavistock to a kinky cottage for the week... Sent Al a text last night about how I have been feeling and as yet I have heard nothing from him. Jo was round earlier and she said that he has definatley read it so he is once again ignoring me...

The text was basically everything that I have been feeling recently, letting him know that he has hurt me by ignoring and rejecting me this way. Told him that I realised that I had let my barriers down to fastand that I was going to have to put some up to protect myself.

Shall just have to see what happens....

3rd August 2009

Been feeling a bit flat all day today. I actually had a relaxed weekend but it was not the weekend that I had been looking forward to so am feeling a bit off becuase of it...

Had been meant to send the Saturday afternoon with Al but he had a bad head and guts, nothing that he could have controlled but I have to admit that it did annoy me a bit... Been trying to get time for weeks, we finally set something and *grrr*

Not sure that I will see him this week and then they are both off on holiday for a week and may be back on the 15th but after a kinky week away I doubt that they will want to do anything and it is a long drive back for them so I may get some time the following weekend if I am lucky...

God I hate these mood swings... I always said that I would not be one of those women ruled by her emotions but damn it all to hell if recently I have turned into one, I hate this....

30th July 2009

*bounces* amazing what a difference a day can make.....

Spent a few hours with Al tonight and all we did was sit and talk and it has made me so chilled.... All the crap that has been going through my head has gone....

We talked about allsorts of things but one of the main things that he wanted to run past me was the idea of all of us moving in together. Was a bit of a shock but after talking about it I can see all the plus sides and getting to see them both everyday would be fab. Apparently he has been talking about it with Jo but they wanted to run the idea past me before deciding anything....

28th July 2009

Well the other day the sharp and pointy things got the better of me and I have some lovely new shiny scars on my leg. I managed to stop before any blood was really drawn but I do have a lovely bruise from the foot scraper and I had a lovely scraped patch that has left some interesting marks that have pretty much faded.

I also had a play with my athame and that is what has left the scars, which is odd really as there were none at the time just some red lines, but now if the light catches them there are some shiny scars... I know that I should be ashamed of thembut I am actually liking them.

Won't be making any more though as I put all the stuff in a carrier bag and ran out the house and gave them to Al to get rid of. I know that what I do is wrong and that it is a bad place to be in but recetnly I have found that I am slipping back into that place more and more often....

27th July 2009

Okay well have seen Al twice over the weekend, once when he took me and Jo to the wedding reception and when we went to the CMunch on Sunday.

When he saw my outfit for the wedding he did the whole wow thing, the skirt is wonderful and I love it, and he was affectionate and all...

Then on Sunday we all went to the CMunch and again he was affectionate to an extent but I still feel put out. When he was introducing me to people it was as his sub which does make me feel good but other than social settings he doesn't seem to want to see me at the moment and that makes me feel kinda crappy....

I wish I knew why, I know I have had issues the last few months and that he is going through a hard time both with life in general and with his relationship with Jo. I think it is cos of the way it has happened. He has stopped almost all contact other than organising stuff, he doesn't want to see me (as I said previously I don't even mind the no play thing) If he just wants a sub that would be fine, I don't need a romantic relationship, but then I would still want a bit more contact than this....

Anyway the demo at the CMunch was awesome... knifeplay... *drool* watching it was so hot, was just thinking WOW for most of it. I would love to have that done to me, it looked like a total mindfuck but still *drool*

Damn and Double Damn

Well have had the day from hell today and the poem below came out of it.

I thought these voices had gone,
Purged from my soul for good.
But now they are resurfacing
Worming into my mind.

I try so hard to resist them
but their whispers are so sweet.
They offer me relief from these stresses
and they make it sound so simple.

I wish I could cry and scream and lash out
But I can't
So the voices start again.....

It has been a while since I felt like this, torn between crying, lashing out and cutting myself. God the urge was so very strong but I have managed to resist so far but it is still lurking there at the back of my mind....

damn, damn and double damn....

Meep

Okay I sent Sir an e-mail that was pretty much a modified version of the post below and I am sooooooo very nervous. I know that he has read it as Jo has told me that he has, but he hasn't said anything to me... I hope that I didn't come off as a petulant child.... wibble flump turnip.....

RAWR

Okay rant time......

I know that I am only the sub in this poly amily and that I am not his main girl but god damn it I want some time with him... Since we played on 20th April I have spent the grand total of 1 evening (listening to him talk through some troubles he was mulling over) and 1 fet night, and yes we played for about 20 minutes but then the corset got the better of me and I came over all light headed.

I love spending time alone with the Mrs, we go on dates and chill out together and I know tht he encourages this. Heck when I was talking to him when they were having problems he did tell me that he wanted to sort their romantic relationship out before we took ours any further and that he wanted to keep it to just the M/s side of things and I understand and accept that. He also wants to give me and the Mrs some time to develop our romantic relationship.

He is my Sir and I do care for him and I get why he wants to do it this way and that is not the part that is getting to me. The part that is getting to me and making me feel slightly crazy jealous is that in the last month I have had 20 mins time with him and about 20 mins were he was making sure that I wasn't about to pass out. God the feel of his hands on me when we were playing when he was stroking my shoulders after the initial flogging made me want to melt, heck I think I did melt against his hands.

Is it too much to ask for some time with my Sir... I can live without the sex, the dating and all that malarky. I know that the Mrs is the top girl and that I am secondary to her but *RAWR* I want so damned attention and time... Just a few hours, is it too much to ask, really......

Dark Attic

Well on Saturday we all went to the Dark Attic for school night.

The fluffy skirt, frilled ankles socks, gingham blouse and corset went down a storm and the ruby red slippers were a hit as always :)

Unfortunately we discovered that as comfy as the corset was that playing in it is not a good idea, after about 15mins I started to get very light headed and we had to stop and we sat on the bed until I recovered. After I had got back to normal the 3 of us were sat on the bed and I have to admit to a certain amount of groppage, but who can blame me, Izzy was smoking hot!!

All in all a pretty good night, and the stares we got in the take away on the way home were amusing...

Update

Okay so that is the journey so far... I haven't been documenting it as much as I wish I had now that I have decided to do this correctly...

I have the wonderful Sir and Izzy and together we are exploring the wonders of creating a happy poly family together... I am hoping to document it properly here.

Report - 20th June 2009

Date and Time: Saturday 20th June 2009 19:30
Played with: Alan and Izzy
Report to: Record Only
Clothing: Dress Shirt, Black Spankie Pants, Seamed Stockings, Suspender Belt, White Bra
Toys Used: Horsehair Flogger, Purple Felt Flogger, Whippy Cane, Crackled Rattan, Tweezer Clamps, Clover Clamps, Croc Clamps
Arrangements: Text from Izzy 'Would you present yourself for 1930, please? With your uniform, if you'd like. X'

Details of Play:
Red cuffs worn and attached to the middle of the frame.
Shirt unbuttoned and breasts removed from bra cups and played with.
Tweezer clamps applied to nipples, medium/hard pressure.
Whippy cane applied to front of thighs and then worked from ankles up to top of butt and back down, concentrating on back of thighs. Also played with Izzy with cane lightly.
Rattan then produced and process. Pants lowered to expose butt and rattan applied, pants then removed as they were getting in the way. Rattan applied to Alan's satisfaction.
Pinwheel applied to breasts and nipples, when giggling started a second pinwheel was added and more pressure applied across the upper chest. Dual pinwheels run over back, butt and upper thighs, spinning and giggling ensued.
Pinwheels also used lightly on Izzy.
Izzy asked to sit by cage and her cuffs attached to outer edges.
Tweezer clamps removed and clover clamps applied. Tweezer clamps applied to outer labia and used to connect with Izzy's nipples to create predicament bondage, single clover also attached to middle of my clover chain and then attached to Izzy's collar ring.
Horse hair flogger used to warm up, followed by the felt flogger, Alan noted that with the shirt on it was harder to aim as the target (my tattoo) was not visible. Open handed spanking given.
To bring the predicament into play Alan reintroduced the dual pinwheels to the play and proceeded to use them on me to the point of giggles but I had to fight not to spin as previously, I did not want to pull the clover clamps!!!!
More hand spanking delivered to the butt and back of thighs.
All clamps were removed from us both, nipples played with as the clamps were removed to elicit meepage...
Croc clamps presented, I tried to move away but was ordered back to spot and complied, though and audible groan was given.
Rattan then reintroduced and used on both myself and Izzy. Discovered that Izzy likes having the crease between the toes and ball of foot lightly caned. Izzy was also caned on the upper back whilst leaning against my legs, the happy groans felt quite nice going through my legs!
Clamps removed, asked first if I wanted them removed. This was mainly to torment me as by this point on or off they were hurting. When removed nipples played with again.
Izzy's arms started to ache at this point and Alan removed them from the cage and rejoined them behind my legs.
The cane and felt flogger were reapplied to the back and thighs, Izzy hid in my legs to avoid them but Alan also played with her.
By this point the cuffs were causing pain in the wrists and my hands had pins and needles. Informed Alan of this and he used the quick release to allow me lower my hands.
Moved and massaged hands to restore circulation.
Izzy was also released and we all moved to the kitchen for drinks and biscuits.

Marks: Light cane marks on front of both thighs, heavy marks on the back right thigh making sitting an amusing pass time. Some pinwheel marks down the right thigh. Cuffs marks on both wrists.

Liked: All of it, even if I did try and run away from the 3rd set of clamps....

Disliked: The 3rd set of clamps... ouchie.... not a dislike.... but damn....

Other Comments: When I removed the cuffs when getting changed I noticed that they had dug in and left painful ridges on the side of both wrists from my struggles whilst wearing them. I quite enjoyed having the tender marks as they were fun to poke afterwards as a reminder.

I did enjoy the play as it had been nearly 4 weeks since I had played. But it has left me wanting more. More rope, more intensity, just plain more...

Use me, abuse me, beat me, choke me, break me.... please!!!!

11th May 2009 - A BIG Change

So on 11th May I had a big change in my life, Steve left me... I was once again a single girl!!

Well maybe not quite so single, but I have my flat to myself and Sir just down the road so the best of both worlds!!

I was upset but things had not been right for a while. I am now free to explore my life as a sub/slave without having to worry about what he would think...

A Bit More Control

So having been accepted as a part of the house Sir introduced an element of control into our dynamic... The first few times that I followed his instructions I have to admit to blushing as I sent the text messages, now I can't relax until I have. Reprogamming is complete....

Girls - my darling & house girl,

I want to start teaching you the pleasures of sexual control, to achieve this you will from now report via text your sexual activity, this at the moment I will not restrict, but will form a routine for later training.

Failure to do so will be dealt with swiftly and in a very painful manner!

If we speak on the telephone or face to face you can ask if your allowed to play with yourself, or someone, and you will be given a time limit, for that pleasure.

If your not at my feet you're to send me a txt (- fingered by -"name" - climaxs) (- oralsex -"name" give/got - climaxs) ( fullsex - takenby -"name" - position - times & climaxs)

These reports must be filed as soon after the event as possible, for now, as later in your training I will be restricting your activities,and requests will have to be made in a timely manner.

If you are to have a penatrative sexual contact with someone outside our "family group" you will take precautions, I will inspect your person on the next meeting to see if you have a supply of condoms and that they meet with my approval,

your ever loving rope sadist

A New Title

On the 23rd April I was very happy to be accepted formally by Sir as his housegirl....

Master - Nawashi - 充満 - マスター - ロープの芸術家 - means - master of rope

EHb389 - House girl - 家の女の子 - means - girl of house

6th April 2009

Okay some pics from the session...

My now short hair in bunches, how cute..


The tattoo that Sir now finds such a wonderful target to concentrate on when flogging me!!!

Some of the ropework in the chest harness.

A better view of the chest harness....

Appointment - 6th April

Appointment 19:00 hrs Monday 6th April 2009

Requirements - Dress Code

suspender black
stockings seemed
heels
hair band - for bunches 2 of - pref black
hair band plastic shaped over forehead - black
You will be allowed to change at the appointment for this visit.

Materials
Pack assorted variety large condoms
Cucumber whole plastic wrapped
Dispenser with vaginal lubricant
Large Carrot
One pair long lace boot laces black - cord - at or over 24" in length.

Shock

Later in the day after the comment posted below my world collapsed.. I got a call from my sister in law to say that my mum had died.

Sir was one of the people I called, we had known each other for about 4 weeks but I still found his voice comforting.

I was an emotional wreck for several weeks as you can imagine and even 3 months down the line I am still grateful for the support he gave both at the time and now when I find myself having a bad day.

Thank you so much Sir for being there when this girl needed you most, you have been a rock during this difficult time and I don't know what I would have done without you.

A Bit Further Into the Journey

So after the drama with my then Master we worked through some of his issues and I started to work with Sir again, participating in the training of another of his trainees.

After helping on this training I got the following comment and it made me grin....

I find 389 very compliant and the dynamic is growing between the property 389 and Sir. 389 is at liberty at any time to as of reports and information as needed, I will say that I am in the belief that 389 acts differently - correctly whilst with Sir, its a different head space and is what was / is required.

You were as expected yesterday. wet, willing, compliant, and pleasing.

Task - BDSM Horse Report

The Horse

Perhaps the most common dedicated piece of dungeon furniture is the horse. Modeled in many respects on the carpenter's horse, a BDSM horse is fairly flexible, and can be made more so with a couple little tweaks.

Historically, this torture device was called a wooden horse. The wooden horse as it existed in earlier times was said to be made of a pole, sometimes that had been given a sharpened edge, or two planks of wood brought together to form a triangular edge which was suspended as much as twelve feet above the ground.

The subject was placed to straddle the device in such a way that unbearable torturous pressure was centered on the tender genital area. Their hands were bound behind them, weights dangled from their feet and they were then left there for hours, and sometimes days at a time. The pole would dig into the tender flesh of the genitals and crushed delicate flesh causing agonizing pain. The purpose of these early Horsey rides was torture. Nerve damage of the victim was not a concern for the early pony Masters; the name of the game was agony.

Sensible BDSM versions of wooden pony devices and play have been greatly modified to enhance the safety of the activity. The point of the pony is to place the submissive in a position where she is forced to work to control the amount of pain she will receive, and then to change where the pain is located when it becomes unbearable. To create the ride, the pony is suspended above the ground just enough that if the submissive were to straddle it and stand on her toes her crotch would clear the pole by about an inch.

It is the tiring of the leg muscles, which will eventually force the submissive to use the pony and therefore start the torment. As they stand on their toes the calf muscles and toes will cramp and the legs may begin to tremble, this can be made harder by the use of modern ballet shoes, thus ensuring that the submissive can only stand on her tip toes and this will generally lead to the legs needing relief quicker. When the burning strain is too much the victim will settle onto the pony and try to find a comfortable position. While the legs are resting the crotch is bearing the brunt of the torment. Fairly quickly the submissive will find it in her strength to lift back onto her toes to spare the agonizing crushing of her labia and clitoris.

Bondage is often involved by binding arms above the head or behind the back so they can’t be used in any way to help relieve the pressure of the pony. This use of bondage can be used separately or in conjunction with making the submissive stand on her tip toes depending on the level of predicament wanting to be inflicted.

Then it starts all over again. Up and down she goes. It is the up and down motion of the submissive trying to relieve the discomfort that is called the ride.

Wooden pony play is fairly extreme pain play and not for the faint of heart. Use of the pony must always be supervised with care taken to protect the delicate nerves of the submissives labia, and clitoris, which will suffer during this torture. The design of a wooden pony varies depending on your goals. It is an instrument of torment that can be used on either a male or female submissive, and can be employed to titillate or flat out torture them in the extreme. Some wooden ponies are designed to be stationary while others are manoeuvrable and will allow for adjustments, which can enhance or ease the severity provided by the pony.

Reply to First Report

As requested please find below my comments :

Appearance
I am glad that my appearance pleased Sir, I have to admit that it felt odd to wearing red nail polish and lipstick, it is a colour I have never had before, I am usually a black and/or burgandy girl.

Report
I am glad that the initial visit went well and that we were able to try some many different things in the time period.

Rope Work - I was comfortable in all the positions tried and only suffered minimal discomfort when released but I had expected this and it was gone after a short period of moving the joints that had stiffened. I found being constrained in this manner very relaxing and it seemed to add to the submissive feelings I was experiencing. I would like to try and explore more if possible.

Ball Gag - Not at all what I expected but comfy whilst wearing other then when placed on side.

Slapping - Sir did indeed find some tender spots but I did enjoy this, I was able to process the sensations caused.

Standing/Spreader Bar/Caning - All new sensations for me and once my heels had been removed there was the rather pleasant pull on my arms that only the loss of 5 inchs in height will give. I have an amazing bruise from this and even today it is very visible and I have to admit to being rather fond of it now and quite proud too, I love my marks, they are things to treasure. and seeing puppy's face was a good laugh, he almost fell off his chair *giggle*

Nipple Clamps - I have used before but never the tweezer types, and the bells made a lovely noise when I moved, overall very pleasant.

Horse - Definately a test of my balance, without my hands to use it was a lot of work for my legs to keep my balance. When paddled by Master I have been known to dance about from foot to foot towards the end when hard paddles are being applied.

Full Blackout Mask - This did indeed entrance me, not sure why but it did.

Vaginal Exploration *blush* - I felt no need to struggle against this inspection as I do understand that Sir sees this girl as an object. However I have to admit that the bullet vibe did nothing for me, vibration never has it is just a sensation for me and at most it tickles. I find it very easy to detach from these sensations and just experience them without the need to respond. This is true of most things I am afraid to say, I was 'trained' to just box myself away and let the sensations come and go, I find I do need an intimate connection with someone to get past this. But it was my coping mechanism from what I was subjected to and I do find it hard to overcome.

Caning - Ouchie.... I know that this was at worst a medium stroke but it was the first time I had been caned, I would be open to trying this again and increasing the intensity to see what I could deal with.

Movement Control by Hair - This has always just flat done it for me. I kept it short for a long time as this was used against me previously, now that I am in a more positive place I have let my hair grow out again.

Limits Being Pushed to Crying - I have to admit that this idea thrills and petrifies me all at once. I have never had this done in a good way but would be willing to try though this may push some triggers for me.

Clover Clamps - Yummy, I love the look of them and have always wanted to try them out, I know from reading various things that they are both the best and worst clamps. Best because they are very firm and the more you pull the more pressure you get, and the worst for precisely the same reasons and the intensity this generates can be too much.

Improved / Lowered
I felt no need to use my safe word during my visit. The only adverse thing I mentioned was the awkward positioning of the ball gag whilst on my side but this was discussed at the end of the visit.

Positives
Why thank you Sir. I have to say that when we started I found that compliance was the most natural option, I had no thoughts of rebellion, only anticipation.

Negatives
I was indeed very nervous *blush* This girl will try to do better next time.

Work Required
Again this girl will try to do better with her postures and looks forward to further instruction from Sir. I have admit to nerves at the idea of a full inspection as I have never been naked in front of anyone other than a lover but nerves can be worked on. I hope that Master will grant me permission to have you work with me further but I feel that it would be beneficial for you to meet so that you can go through with him your plans for this girl and explain what he can expect so that the vanilla triggers are not raised. I do believe that at the very least I will be allowed out to play at Dominion at the least.

Report from First Session

Report subject XXX-XXX-389

Apperance - Marking from 10

10/10 Subject was on time for start of meeting, after a short tour of the rooms.
09/10 Asked to change into dress code for the appointment, was relatively quick, despite never having fastened cuff links before.
10/10 On inspection underwear was colour matched, stockings were as requested, with the addition of seems and classic toe and heel shaping.
00/00 Additional Shirt was worn and suited subject.
08/10 Nail polish and lipstick was neat matched and suited subject.

Report

Subject was told to kneel and study checklist, was initially struck with numbness in the legs. removed shoes and changed position.

Punishment was awarded for several minor communication errors, - subject must be more alert to content of mails, and study requests, taking care to complete the communication correctly.

Subject was checked for upper body movement and flexibility. Short time in cuffs before being transfered to rope cuff and tied into a reverse overhead tie, compliant, no wrist cramps and retained warmth in hands.

Rope work was extended to lower back and under bust to secure wrist position, tails were used to pull upper arms back, hair was grabbed and head was rotated to check neck movement.

Leather fixed ball gag was fitted after mouth and opening was checked, subject was compliant and wore the gag without undue discomfort, whilst upright.

Rope work was altered to form shinju and constrain breasts. Face and nose was touched and toyed with, ball gag was checked.

Subject was slapped with different force about the upper right thigh region, and a sore spot was identified, and teased with different volume of power.

Underside upper arms on both sides were open to beating and were soundly and softly beaten, subject was laid over on right side to expose left side and butt.

Left side of butt was slapped and reddened till sore to softer slap, working up and down the outer leg and butt, subject was compliant and made little or no noise.

Subject was transfered to a standing front position with spreader bar height was set for heels, shoes were removed shirt was opened and breasts were lightly caned.

Cane was applied to front of thighs and different stroke pace and weight was used, subject coped well with the sensations.

Spreader bar was fitted to distance cane targets and restrict movement, and to steady subject to ensure careful targeting of cane.

Breasts were fully exposed and nipples pulled and pinched in a rough manor, subject winced but seemed to enjoy sensation.

Nipple clamps were added at this point - not quite on the nipple slightly further back, but being tweezer typed with bells fitted they were closed firmly.

Arms were checked for cold and comfort, subject was released from stance and lead to study.
Subject was instructed to lift horse and more to centre of room and stand in front of unit, a brief description was made to subject re the innocuous item, subject told to research for next visit.

Subject was rear cuffed and told to bend forward and was pushed by neck to try to over balance, whilst crop & cane was administered to butt area, subject coped well with this and I wouldn't hesitate to free stand subject for a beating, knowing it would remain in place and not move during session. TASK was issued - remove bra without removing shirt, completed without fuss, within minutes.

Break for water subject sat on floor.

Ropes were shown to subject and 6mm japanese hemp was selected, major shinju was constructed with breast compressions added, shoulders were checked along with hands, and collarbone cross over ropes were added. Breasts were mauled and slapped against the chest and ropes, small amount of rope work was added to the lower legs crossed, and attached to the upper harness via the central shinju binding.

Subject was rolled on right side to expose butt and thigh, beating of red areas continued, along with slapping of ass.

A full head blackout mask was fitted with no alarm from subject, and it seemed to entrance subject, until the wood pegs were added to her left breast and nipple 6 to 8 were used to pinch areas of the breast, 2 to 4 were also used on the right breast, and concentrated on and around the nipple.

Opportunity was taken to check compliance of subject and an inspection of the outer labia was conducted and pegs were left in place on the right side mostly, the labias and surrounding area was hair free, and presented correctly 10/10

It was noted on two or more occasions that the subject was wet in the vaginal area this will be addressed at the next meeting with, strict instructions to forwarn operator of such.

The panties were drawn down the thighs to give access to the vaginal canal, and after a brief directional fingering a 3" x 7" dildo, pre-lubed was inserted with little or no discomfort or bother to subject or operator.

Subject was fingered and a bullet vibe was introduced, would suggest that other exterior type would be of better control and use, also a better position needed to be attained for orgasm control, this will be explored on the next visit.

Subject released from bindings for free space time and discussion.

Break for water subject sat on floor.

Subject told of basic positions for my control both front and back, hair was gathered and pulled, and cloth gag placed into mouth, frequently during this and subject was compliant throughout. I will insist that the new positions be used whilst in my presence.

Subject was told of the inspection position, and complied, due to time constraints no further commands or treatment was warranted.

Subject was reminded of punishment and sentenced to 5 strokes of the cane, to be counted up and finished with a sincere thank you. Punishment was carried out whilst subject was in inspection position and only flinched at the first stroke.

Subject was released from command position and instructed to make tea. 6 minutes was awarded for task, this was completed on time and as instructed, returned subject to other room and re enforced kneeling commands, pulled and squeezed nipples, checked welts and cane marks, for any unusual markings, instructed subject on wound care and chilled subject with hugs and bite to ears and tongue along with head control by way of hair.

Subject instructed to dress and use bathroom and any facilities required to return to vanilla dress.

Marks 9/10

Limits

Firmly believe that this subject could be pushed to crying by bilateral canning to butt and inner thigh areas. Would need time to drive this as a targeted visit.

Breasts and nipples stood up well to introductions to pegs and clamps, - clover clamps would be the acid test, with weights added to forward lean whilst flogging to induce motion to the nipples via weights.

Marks 8/10

Improved /Lowered

No adverse comments or safe word was recorded during visit, several new trial items were included, and subject coped well with introduction to them.

Positives

Compliant subject - ideal submissive property, would be suited to being de humanized to a level of SLAVE.

Negatives

Talked re nerves - which wasn' t helped by operator not speaking for long periods, to draw this out for punishment.

However ball gag will be used in future to silence subject to a position of drooling everywhere.

Work Required

Posture while in command positions could be slightly better - both SIRs feet must fit forwards and to rear, would like to see full nude inspection next visit, and would concentrate on verbal and command control

Subject is attentive and would be after flog testing suitable for public torture or play, I understand that permissions have been withdrawn and are subject to review, it would be a shame for this subject to be neglected.

I hereby release the above subject from control, until otherwise instructed.

The Drama

After the first session I practically floated home whereupon the drama with Steve started... He found that he couldn't cope with the marks that had been left from the session even though I was so happy and proud of them.

So regretfully I had tell Sir that I would not be able to attend another session. The mail I got back was very understanding and had one phrase in it that can still make me grin when I read it...

"I would not hesitate to recommend this subject to a prospective Master, as her attitude and attentive nature, for a novice is exemplary."

First Training Session

So after some e-mails had been exchanged it was decided that I would attend a training session to see if we could work together on a D/s basis.. The e-mail I got sent shivers down my spine everytime I read it...

Here are the details of your appointment, along with some instructions and requirements.

You will arrive at XXXX at 14: 00 hrs on Saturday 7th March 2009 dressed as not to cause nuisance or alarm, and drawing no attention to yourself, for the time of day.

You will be greeted in a warm and civil manner, and shown the areas of use for this visit, and where any equipment or materials you may be called to use or carry are kept.

A short dress code period will be allowed, and you will change from your vanilla day wear into a more approved dress code, which has been deemed suitable for this visit.

All vanilla jewelry must be removed before hand unless it is part of or a piercing and is in close contact or a closed small ring, as rope doesn't respect any loose or dangled items caught in the restraint process.

I will require sight of your listing in advance, but it will also be discussed with you in detail shortly after arrival, from my computer.

The outcome of the initial review of the client listing will set a firm but fair foundation for your treatment and care whilst in my complete control, this will be noted and a copy will be available from your Owners report file for your Masters future inspection. Dual control aspects will be discussed with your Master at the appropriate times and you will not be party to these discussions.

I have registered you with the slave register and the password and account details will be in your Owners hand book, for inspection your SLAVE number is XXX-XXX-389

I understand that you wish to form a submissive nature and as such are not yet ready for slavery, however I require you to be registered and have a recorded owner.

EHb389 is your name from this moment forward known to me as 389 until I deem you worthy of consideration to an actual name granted by me, if you achieve this status you will be allowed to wear my provided collar/ token as a mark of respect and mentorship.

389 will be required to fill out the registered profile whilst at this appointment - with an approved listing.

389 will be given a collar during this appointment, one which will be upgraded as and when 389 performs to the desired level of service and control.

Whilst under my control and guardianship 389 will wear NO OTHER TOKEN / COLLAR WHAT SO EVER, but only that as I have instructed, or deemed 389 has earned.

389 will address me as SIR at all times, in ANY communication form, as 389 already has a MASTER and I do not wish to confuse 389 or enter into any of 389's partnered dynamics unless specifically asked to do so.

389 will be required to assume certain controlled positions without commands as our times together progress, failure to do so will be penalised, without warning.

389 will not be allowed to use ANY furniture unless my express permission is granted before hand. Unless 389 is spoken to and that conversation requires a direct answer 389 is not permitted to speak without prior permission. Bathroom use will be strictly controlled, from the outset of ANY meeting.

DRESS CODE for the 7th March 2009

389 will be required to wear for this initial appointment only the following items ( 389 may arrive in different garb bare in mind you will not have long to change) black plain topped hold ups or stockings with appropriate support, black knickers, black bra, a dinner shirt c/w cufflinks will be provided along with a collar to close the outfit. Your hair will be loose and down. 389 will be permitted to wear a selected 389 perfume, and will have ALL nails and her lipstick a matching red shade/colour, in time detailed colour coding will be issued and expected.

As we are dealing with many facets of 389's interview, it will not necessary to wear for the duration any heels, however they must be clean and worn in the beginning. 389 will be required at every visit or meeting to adopt a dress code, unless otherwise instructed. 389's complete vanilla outfit and belongings will be confiscated and retained until I have finished either my training or use of the property at any one time. Failure to attend to any dress or appearance detail by 389 will be deemed as serious offence and dealt with at the earliest possible moment.

XXX-XXX-389 is responsible for the long term well being, and health, and will without hesitation tell me of ANY medical or injury condition, regardless of how minor it maybe.
I will decide what action or punishment to administer to correct 389's neglect, in this matter.
I look forward to welcoming you to your interview on the 7th.

The property numbered as XXX-XXX-389 has no rights or opinions.