Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan
Card 1 : Present : 4 of Pentacles
Hanging back emotionally in a situation
Card 2 : Influences : The Lovers
Rather obvious at the moment I think....
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : The Devil
Being in a situation that is dragging you down
Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial independance
Card 5 : Your Thoughts : King of Cups
Kind and loyal person
Card 6 : Immediate Future : King of Swords
A man who is strong, logical and just
Card 7 : Fears : Ace of Pentacles
Cash
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 3 of Wands
Progress being made towards a goal
Card 9 : Hopes : The Star
Harmony in a new relationship
Card 10 : Outcome : The Chariot
Triumph. Internal conflict that needs to be controlled.
Additional Cards
Card 11 : The Moon : Highly charged emotions
Card 12 : 8 of Pentacles : New employment
Card 13 : Knight of Pentacles : A man who is just and reliable
Card 14 : 4 of Swords : Time to recoup is needed
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Saturday, 24 October 2009
It's Complicated
Title says it all....
Over the last week or so I have been playing with Faulkner and I have got some lovely markings from it all and it has been soooo much fun.
But my brain is still trying to process it all and I have to admit that it is baffling me a bit. I know that we have a good relationship, he has been there for me through so much crap since mum died and I can be totally myself around him but is this playing going to wreck all of that or will it improve on what we have at the moment.......
But I have to admit that the play that we have been doing has been a lot of fun and yeah we are both learning but I am enjoying all that we are learning, he has had me blissed out and super relaxed a couple of times.... but wibble.... brain is melting....
Over the last week or so I have been playing with Faulkner and I have got some lovely markings from it all and it has been soooo much fun.
But my brain is still trying to process it all and I have to admit that it is baffling me a bit. I know that we have a good relationship, he has been there for me through so much crap since mum died and I can be totally myself around him but is this playing going to wreck all of that or will it improve on what we have at the moment.......
But I have to admit that the play that we have been doing has been a lot of fun and yeah we are both learning but I am enjoying all that we are learning, he has had me blissed out and super relaxed a couple of times.... but wibble.... brain is melting....
Friday, 16 October 2009
*bounce*
*bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce*
Sooooo happy and bouncy today, not sure why but am sitting in the office bouncing all over the place. Not sure if it is the happy pills from the doc kicking in at last or the orange juice I have been drinking all week that has done this to me but I like it. I have not been in a mood this good for months......
Am also in serious lust for a sofa I have seen in the Co-op with Kat this lunch, now I just need to find the £1500 that I need to buy it :( May have to go and get dad to come to lunch with me and see if he will lend me the cash to buy it with.....
Sooooo happy and bouncy today, not sure why but am sitting in the office bouncing all over the place. Not sure if it is the happy pills from the doc kicking in at last or the orange juice I have been drinking all week that has done this to me but I like it. I have not been in a mood this good for months......
Am also in serious lust for a sofa I have seen in the Co-op with Kat this lunch, now I just need to find the £1500 that I need to buy it :( May have to go and get dad to come to lunch with me and see if he will lend me the cash to buy it with.....
Thursday, 15 October 2009
WTF??
OK something is odd in the world.... all of a sudden on FL I have men messaging me!!! And they have all seen my fat ass in the pics I have on my profile.... I don't get it.... But then I think I am a giant fat heifer moo, apparently I am not but *shrugs*
But 3 in the last week!?!?!?
But 3 in the last week!?!?!?
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Sooooo Tired
I am sooooo tired this week, not sure why as I am sleeping quite well for once but don't seem to be able to shake being knackered.... I am assuming that it is a side affect of the anti depressents but I just want to feel awake for a while....
Oh well I guess it could be worse....
Oh well I guess it could be worse....
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Weekly Ponderings
Well I have got through another week and I have to admit that it does seem to be getting easier to cope day to day. I don't know if it is the drugs kicking in (they reckon this takes 4-6 weeks so probably not) or if using this new method of thinking I am trying is having an affect.
I am trying 2 of the principles of the FISH philosophy at the moment:
1. Choose your attitude - For me it is about choosing to let the depression get the better of me, or choosing to try and find the best in every moment. I know that I will/am having moments where it will get the better of me but I have to learn to recognise them and then turn it all around and find the best in the situation.
2. Be present - This is about giving your full attention to everything you are doing, be it somethign important like dealing with a client, or simple like answering a question someone has asked. You need to be fully present in all situation, give the situation/person your full attention.
Following these at work this week I have been more productive than I have been for ages and I have been able to deal with all the crap that they have thrown at me. The systems have faulted out, I have had to deal with 'urgent' work from the IT morons at Head Office, I was put on Helldesk but I have been able to deal with it all.
I will admit that it was a hard week, I had my moments where I thought I was going to break again but I just went out walking and chilled out and got on with it. Shall have to see how this goes but it is looking up.....
Well we went to The Attic last night for the Elektric or Treat party. I was a bit nervous about going as it was the first time I was going to see Al and Jo properly together. But it was surprisingly easy, tbh not that much was different between me and Al but I knew that from the other night anyway.
It was harder to see Jo as she found me in the loo's early on and we had a chat and she seemed really emotional, kinda got to me cos I do miss her so much.... But she is going to pop round one day soon to watch Twilight as she is going to come to the cinema with me and Kat to watch New Moon when it comes out.
Watching Maddie and Trustee do the violet wand demo was good fun, and I got a lil bit of zappage but I only did a bit as there were lots of people there that had never had the experience. Though I did get to kiss Maddie when she was live and that was really cool, I got a shock and then this metallic taste... and my whole tongue was tingling afterwards.
From about 11pm I was sat round the corner in the chill out area with Faulkner as I just wanted to relax and I was sitting in the corner of the sofa with my feet up on the arm of the one in front and he was running his fingers up and down my leg trying to tickle me and damn if it didn't tickle like mad.... But I worked on resisting it and by the time we moved at 1ish he was having to tickle my ears as I had managed to block the sensation/reaction in just about everywhere else.
Though while he was trying to get me to squirm he ran his hand over my neck and I couldn't help my reaction, and of course he noticed and carried on, but then he noticed that if he ran his whole hand round my throat and pressed that I kinda enjoyed that even more... So he started playing like that even more and apparently I was making cute little noises, I honestly couldn't say if I was or not as I was just melting into the sofa.... breathe play *nummy*.....
I am trying 2 of the principles of the FISH philosophy at the moment:
1. Choose your attitude - For me it is about choosing to let the depression get the better of me, or choosing to try and find the best in every moment. I know that I will/am having moments where it will get the better of me but I have to learn to recognise them and then turn it all around and find the best in the situation.
2. Be present - This is about giving your full attention to everything you are doing, be it somethign important like dealing with a client, or simple like answering a question someone has asked. You need to be fully present in all situation, give the situation/person your full attention.
Following these at work this week I have been more productive than I have been for ages and I have been able to deal with all the crap that they have thrown at me. The systems have faulted out, I have had to deal with 'urgent' work from the IT morons at Head Office, I was put on Helldesk but I have been able to deal with it all.
I will admit that it was a hard week, I had my moments where I thought I was going to break again but I just went out walking and chilled out and got on with it. Shall have to see how this goes but it is looking up.....
Well we went to The Attic last night for the Elektric or Treat party. I was a bit nervous about going as it was the first time I was going to see Al and Jo properly together. But it was surprisingly easy, tbh not that much was different between me and Al but I knew that from the other night anyway.
It was harder to see Jo as she found me in the loo's early on and we had a chat and she seemed really emotional, kinda got to me cos I do miss her so much.... But she is going to pop round one day soon to watch Twilight as she is going to come to the cinema with me and Kat to watch New Moon when it comes out.
Watching Maddie and Trustee do the violet wand demo was good fun, and I got a lil bit of zappage but I only did a bit as there were lots of people there that had never had the experience. Though I did get to kiss Maddie when she was live and that was really cool, I got a shock and then this metallic taste... and my whole tongue was tingling afterwards.
From about 11pm I was sat round the corner in the chill out area with Faulkner as I just wanted to relax and I was sitting in the corner of the sofa with my feet up on the arm of the one in front and he was running his fingers up and down my leg trying to tickle me and damn if it didn't tickle like mad.... But I worked on resisting it and by the time we moved at 1ish he was having to tickle my ears as I had managed to block the sensation/reaction in just about everywhere else.
Though while he was trying to get me to squirm he ran his hand over my neck and I couldn't help my reaction, and of course he noticed and carried on, but then he noticed that if he ran his whole hand round my throat and pressed that I kinda enjoyed that even more... So he started playing like that even more and apparently I was making cute little noises, I honestly couldn't say if I was or not as I was just melting into the sofa.... breathe play *nummy*.....
Friday, 9 October 2009
Hmmmm
Well end of the first week back at work and I have to admit that I am totally knackered, it is only 8.30 and I could happily go to bed and sleep... may well do that soon and damn the time...
The week hasn't been too bad, just been getting through it more than anything, have had really down moments, manic moments and crazy moments but overall they have kind of blended into a 'meh' week. But hey at least I am getting out of bed and interacting with the rest of the world...
Went to see Al on Weds and gave him the keys etc back, went surprisingly well. It was like nothing had happened. We sat and chatted, at least we did once we had spent 20mins calming Jesse down....
Got all the shiny new pc's at work today too, morons didn't install Citrix on any of the 18 machines though *growls* so we have only managed to get 10 of them set up today, but will be doing the rest on Monday.
The week hasn't been too bad, just been getting through it more than anything, have had really down moments, manic moments and crazy moments but overall they have kind of blended into a 'meh' week. But hey at least I am getting out of bed and interacting with the rest of the world...
Went to see Al on Weds and gave him the keys etc back, went surprisingly well. It was like nothing had happened. We sat and chatted, at least we did once we had spent 20mins calming Jesse down....
Got all the shiny new pc's at work today too, morons didn't install Citrix on any of the 18 machines though *growls* so we have only managed to get 10 of them set up today, but will be doing the rest on Monday.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Back to the Real World
Okay first day back at work today, felt really weird being back in the office, it didn't feel quite real at first.
I was able to survive the day but I have to admit that at lunch it was hard to make myself go back, especially as I was on the helldesk to cover Mary's lunch. But Kat took me out for the hour and I was able to go back, even if it was a battle.
Got through to the end of the day, but my shoulders were sooooooo tense it was unreal.
I was able to survive the day but I have to admit that at lunch it was hard to make myself go back, especially as I was on the helldesk to cover Mary's lunch. But Kat took me out for the hour and I was able to go back, even if it was a battle.
Got through to the end of the day, but my shoulders were sooooooo tense it was unreal.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
What I Want
Okay I have been thinking recently what do I want/need from a relationship?
Well the obvious thing is that I need someone who is into kink, I am a submissive and I have tried a vanilla relationship and it didn't work out. I want someone who will take control, who will take me and break me down and then rebuild me. I am still very new to the whole D/s world but I want to explore as much as possible and am willing to try most things once.
I want to be able to have him come up and run his hand into my hair/along my neck in that 'please do my bidding' gesture and knowing that my compliance will please him and earn me a smile. To be able to wear his mark around my neck, be it a noticeable collar or a more subtle something that only we know the meaning of but that still gives me the satisfaction of knowing that he has chosen to mark me as his property.
Outside of the kink world I need someone who will communicate with me, I know the usual order is tall, dark and handsome but I have found that I need someone that will talk to me more than anything. I don't need 24/7 contact but if I send a message in any format I need to know that they will respond, maybe not straight away (we all have busy lives) but the same day would be nice.
I need someone who can cope with the fact that I need to know that I mean something to them but who will accept that I am one of those people that every now and then needs alone time. I can't cope with being ignored or side lined, if I am in a relationship then I need some attention, to be able to spend time with them. From spending time trying out new ways of pushing my limits in ways that please us both, from a new way of tying me up, to giving me away to be used by others or at the other end of the spectrum enjoying a walk through the park at night together.
Whoever I end up with needs to be able to accept that I am poly, I have only recently put a name to it but I have found that monogamy just doesn't work for me. There is one guy in my life already who I love deeply but we know that we do not work as a traditional couple, we tried and it collapsed in a big old mess but we worked through it and now we are simply lovers, he will never be out of my life so any new person will have to accept him as being there.
A tall order I am sure but a girl can wish....
Well the obvious thing is that I need someone who is into kink, I am a submissive and I have tried a vanilla relationship and it didn't work out. I want someone who will take control, who will take me and break me down and then rebuild me. I am still very new to the whole D/s world but I want to explore as much as possible and am willing to try most things once.
I want to be able to have him come up and run his hand into my hair/along my neck in that 'please do my bidding' gesture and knowing that my compliance will please him and earn me a smile. To be able to wear his mark around my neck, be it a noticeable collar or a more subtle something that only we know the meaning of but that still gives me the satisfaction of knowing that he has chosen to mark me as his property.
Outside of the kink world I need someone who will communicate with me, I know the usual order is tall, dark and handsome but I have found that I need someone that will talk to me more than anything. I don't need 24/7 contact but if I send a message in any format I need to know that they will respond, maybe not straight away (we all have busy lives) but the same day would be nice.
I need someone who can cope with the fact that I need to know that I mean something to them but who will accept that I am one of those people that every now and then needs alone time. I can't cope with being ignored or side lined, if I am in a relationship then I need some attention, to be able to spend time with them. From spending time trying out new ways of pushing my limits in ways that please us both, from a new way of tying me up, to giving me away to be used by others or at the other end of the spectrum enjoying a walk through the park at night together.
Whoever I end up with needs to be able to accept that I am poly, I have only recently put a name to it but I have found that monogamy just doesn't work for me. There is one guy in my life already who I love deeply but we know that we do not work as a traditional couple, we tried and it collapsed in a big old mess but we worked through it and now we are simply lovers, he will never be out of my life so any new person will have to accept him as being there.
A tall order I am sure but a girl can wish....
Friday, 2 October 2009
URK
Okay remind me never to go out and start drinking at lunchtime and carry on til closing again.... My hangover sucks but I did have a good time yesterday.
Jay is back in Derby for a few days before he ships off to Canada and I have to admit that without Lisa there we kind of just fell back into how we used to be together. We sat and chatted about everything and nothing for hours.
We talked about mum and the rest of the family, he talked about the break up with Karrie. We drank, we ate and eventually we went to the cinema, then we drank some more. We were going to go clubbing but my head was spinning so we came home.
It was just so easy to be with him, he knows what I am thinking and why, scary really as we have not really talked that much recently but we are still on the same wavelength. For once we didn't end up in bed though, we had talked about it and it was very tempting but we decided that we are both a bit too messed up in the head to do that at the moment. Though we are meeting up when he gets back from Canada, and he has asked me out there for a few weeks when he has the mid tour leave.
Jay is back in Derby for a few days before he ships off to Canada and I have to admit that without Lisa there we kind of just fell back into how we used to be together. We sat and chatted about everything and nothing for hours.
We talked about mum and the rest of the family, he talked about the break up with Karrie. We drank, we ate and eventually we went to the cinema, then we drank some more. We were going to go clubbing but my head was spinning so we came home.
It was just so easy to be with him, he knows what I am thinking and why, scary really as we have not really talked that much recently but we are still on the same wavelength. For once we didn't end up in bed though, we had talked about it and it was very tempting but we decided that we are both a bit too messed up in the head to do that at the moment. Though we are meeting up when he gets back from Canada, and he has asked me out there for a few weeks when he has the mid tour leave.
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