Went to see MG at his house for some needle play and I admit that I was very nervous about it all, I always have been interested in them but always been too nervous to actually consider getting it done. But over the last few months I have seen certain pics and they have been appealing to me more and more so speaking to MG at the last munch and then on MSN he offered to let me try needles.
I agreed as I know from talking to Al and others on the scene that he is one of the best for needles in the area. I was SOOOOO nervous that on the way there I was really quiet the whole ride there. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to do it even up to the point that I was lying in just my undies on the med table. I was watching MG prepare all the needles and I still felt like bolting even as he unwrapped the first of the needles.
He started out anice and easy with me doing a line of each of the different sizes in my left shoulder, the first few didn't really hurt, they just stung a bit, but towards the thicker end they bloody hurt. And then he started taking them out and even though some of them hurt when they were out and I could feel the blood trickling down my back the endorphin rush was good!!!
So after stopping the bleeding and using the lovely stingy savlon stray on my shoulder (not to clean the area but because it stings) he started using them in myleft butt cheek, he did 2 lots of needles and the big pink ones still hurt, especially when he was weaving them under and over the other needles he had put in.
This is the second batch of needles.....
When he was doing the needles in my butt he also put 2 in my sides just below my ribs and they really really sucked..... but one they were in it actually felt really good, it even felt pretty good when he took them out, even the trickle of blood that travelled down my ribs.... The alcohol gel the boys used to clean the area did suck more than the savlon spray but then I have done that to myself with various cuts etc....
The next bit was the hard bit though.... MG had me sit up on the table and he put a few needles in my boobs and all of a sudden I could feel the tears building. So he took them out and then had me create a nice deep cleaveage and he tried to get one of the really long needles to go into both sides of the cleavage. For some reason I started to crumble when he did this, and he only managed to get one in the left side, so he simply put another needle into the other side. Unfortunately this started the total breakdown and I just sat there tears running down my face with my hand up to try and not be a soggy ball of goo....
MG then asked if I would prefer a pink needle in the boob or a smalled one in the nipple and he got one out of the pack, Ste thinks that this point that I went into a mild shocky stage as I was just crying and batting the needle away, I didn't even notice that I had slightly caught my hand on the needle. All I remember is crying and trying really hard to stop...
The boys had to point out that I had to lower my hands so that the last needles could be taken out and it took all my will power to actually remove my hands and let MG take the needles out... He then let me calm down and was really good about it all, bugger then got out a staple gun and was pushing it against my right boob and pulled the trigger, he had thought that the gun was empty so was a bit shocked when a staple appeared.... So of course he had to then do a matching one in the other boob!!! they felt very different to the needles and stung coming out...
Once I had calmed down MG asked if I had considered cutting at all and between me and Ste we explained about my previous problem with self harming and he wanted to try as it was coming from a different place. So I lay back down and he prepared a blade and then when I was ready he started out with a few simple lines acoss the top of my right shoulder.
It felt so different to when I used to do it to myself, yes it was painful and there was a release of emotions but even though I knew what was being done it didn't feel like I was having my skin cut. When I used to do it myself I would feel the skin splitting as the knife ran along it and with that split I would feel all the negative emotions and pain spilling out and leaving me so that I felt light and empty again. This was more of a rush of emotions and sensations that filled me instead of emptying me. Since I was okay with the lines MG went on to do a christmas tree and then a pentagram.
This is the tree and the lines that he did first, I forgot how much I bled but the trickles did feel nice running down my back...
This was the pentagram that Ste suggested MG did... I will admit the shoulder was really sore by the time he had finished but I was on a bit of an endorphin high from it all. Even feeling the blood welling up and then trickling down felt good.
Once I had been cleaned up and got dressed we went back downstairs and had a chat about how it had gone etc and then MG handed me a pair of socks and I will admit that it felt odd putting them on him as the last person I dressed was Al when he had me do his shirt and cuff links, but it did speak to my service sub side...
All in all I really enjoyed the day but before we did it I did not consider myself to have got over a lot of the issues that I know used to make me self harm but having gone through the experience I didn't have the responses I thought I would and I am still processing all stuff that is going through my head.
I think one of the main things I am trying to process is the fact that just 2 years ago when I started on this journey I would not have considered having a cutting down and needles where only a vague curiosity. In fact going back over my old checklists I did for Al cutting was a hard limit and I know that I crossed it yesterday and even though I have been considering it for a few months now it is still something that I really need to actually acknowledge in my own mind....
V1 - 05/03/09 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V2 - 09/05/10 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V3 - 01/04/11 - Cutting = 2 (curious), Needles = 2 (curious would have to trust partner)
I think it will take a few days for it to fully sink in but I am processing it slowly but surely. Will try and keep this thing updated as to where my head is...
