30 Days of Submission - Day 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission?
I do expect and accept both discipline and punishments as part of my relationship.

How do you feel about it?
I find that if I don't receive a discipline session every few weeks I get antsy and grumpy. They help to ground me and leave me at peace, if I have any issues I am working through then I find that the beating acts as catharsis.

30 Days of Submission - Day 6

What do you feel are the roots of your submission?
I don't know what the roots of my submission are.  I have thought back before but I cannot pinpoint where I discovered that it just flat does it for me.  I know that when I was in a physically abusive relationship I hated every minute of it and it took a lot of therapy to get over it...

Do you think it has something to do with childhood?
Not really, I had a good childhood and yes I got spanked if I was naughty but I honestly don't think that has influenced my adult desires.

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?
We do not use our D/s relationship in a domestic discipline way.

Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
Oh yeah!!!!!!!

30 Days of Submission - Day 5

Day 5

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?
I am currently in a D/s relationship and have been for nearly 3 years, however I am still learning and growing.

Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?
This is my 4th D/s relationship.

How were they the same? 
They are the same in the fact that I am happier in a D/s relationship than I am in a vanilla one.

How were they different?
They have all been very different.  Jay was my first venture into this world and was what I would now consider nearly vanilla, a bit of spanking and he was controlling in that nummy way.  Tray was that step further, he was more in control of my actions and we went from spanking to caning.  Then I met Al and he held my hand as I stepped into the public scene and he introduced me to people who have helped me learn so many fun things.... Then there is Ste, he has collared me and although he has a lot to learn he is eager and we are learning together.

What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
Me... As much as you can look at other relationships and try to emulate them each relationship is unique to me, I can never make them the same as someone else's.

30 Days of Submission - Day 4

Day 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

I do not switch into a dominant role within our relationship.  I have flogged Ste but only because he enjoys it and I wanted to make him feel good.  Outside the house I do assume a dominant role in the workplace as if I didn't the engineers would walk all over me.  Generically though I am pretty neutral when out and about, I am neither dom nor sub.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over?

Not really in a DD relationship but around the house I maintain control over the money, housework, cooking and cleaning, in otherwords pretty much everything :D

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

I am not a switch and have sometimes thought I might have the dom tendancies lurking under the surface but at the moment they have not surfacing, but you never know.

Spag Bolognese Recipe

I know I usually use this blog for my thoughts, kink related stuff but today I was making a spag bol and thought I should document the receipe.

500g Extra Lean Steak Mince
2 tins Chopped Tomatoes
150g Mushroom
2 Large Onions
Dried Herbs of own choice (I use Italian Mixed, Basil, Sage and Tarragon)
Dash of Soy Sauce/Worcester Sauce
2 Garlic Cloves, minced or Garlic Powder to taste

Method

1. Brown mince, I dry fry the mince in a large frying pan.

 2. Put tomatoes, herbs and soy sauce in large saucepan. Bring to a simmer

3. Slice mushrooms, onions and sautee until they start to go soft, I sprinkle Aromat on while they are cooking to bring out the flavours.

4. Add to mince mix in pan, stir well

5. When mushrooms and onions are cooked, add to the pan.  Cover and simmer for roughly 2 hours, stirring occasionally

6. Portion out and either enjoy immediately or freeze for a quick dinner

This makes 5 portions and works out to 198cals per portion

30 Days of Submission - Day 3

Day 3

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?
I think it isn't something that I can explain, I have always known that I have submissive tendancies.  How that submission expresses itself varies and has changed over time but when it happens it is as if my mind goes to a contented, happy place and I feel at peace. 


How do you feel when you express your submission?
Content, plain and simply content

30 Days of Submission - Day 2

Day 2 – Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Okay am going to tackle this on in portions as although they are all separate they sort of overlap at points, confusing I know but I am a confusing kind of girl....

Describe who you might submit to and how?
I primarily submit to Ste as he is the boss in this relationship and the fact we live together.  I also submit to other members of our poly family when we are together, both in a physical capacity and also as the house girl, it has been a while since I have done so and with them all being in London now I do not know how the dynamic has changed as we have not all been together for over a year.

Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?
I am only submissive to specific people, in general life I am very forthright with my outlook and opinions and working in engineering I don't take any nonsense, this generally leads to my boys seeing me as quite domly.  But around certain individuals who I trust and respect my submissive side does come out, be it to take some pain as the masochistic side comes to the fore or in a service orientated nature.

Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?
I am submissive throughout my life but whether or not people see it is another thing entirely....

Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
I am willing to be submissive to play partners as long as I know them, I have issues being submissive to people I do not know.  However I do not mind bottoming as a masochist to people I do not know quite so well, sometimes I have only just met them, but as long as someone I respect can vouch for them I am happy to let them hurt me in such wonderful ways....

30 Days of Submission - Day 1

Day 1 – Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I guess that me and Ste have never put a name to what it is we do.  It started as him being curious so it was a top/bottom relationship on top of our existing one and over time it has evolved into a D/s style relationship and one day it may well become M/s as Ste is slowly finiding his feet and we are finding out how we want it to work between us. 

I guess I just prefer not to label what we have as it just is!!  I know that slowly he is influencing more and more of how I live.  I have never owned so many dresses and skirts since I started being able to pick my own clothes 20 odd years ago.  I actually find myself wanting to be more feminine around him.

When I am with Al I find that I slip into more of a service sub role and I think that is shown in the fact that I am his House Girl.  I want to look after him, cook, clean and generally make sure he has everything that he needs to get on with day to day life.  This also extends to anyone who is in the house as well.

And then when I play with others I find myself slipping into a bottoming headspace, I am submissive to them for the duration of the play but afterwards I am back to being just plain old me.

30 Days of Submission

I found this while surfing some blogs on tumblr and thought it was interesting. While it’s a 30-day question thing, it seems to have a lot more than just 30 questions since most of the questions are multipart questions.

So I’m posting the list of questions here for others who might be interested in doing this…

The Questions

• Day 1 – Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
• Day 2 – Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
• Day 3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
• Day 4 – Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
• Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
• Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
• Day 7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
• Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
• Day 9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
• Day 10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
• Day 11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
• Day 12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
• Day 13 – Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
• Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
• Day 15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
• Day 16 – Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
• Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
• Day 18 – Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
• Day 19 – How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
• Day 20 – Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
• Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
• Day 22 – Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
• Day 23 – Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
• Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
• Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
• Day 26 – What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
• Day 27 – Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
• Day 28 – Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
• Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
• Day 30 – Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

More Ramblings

Well it took me so long to write out yesterdays brain mess that I ended up not going to bed until gone midnight... And I am still not sure if I sorted it all out to my satisfaction in my own head.

I know that I care for him, I have done for 3 years now, true it is not what I thought would happen when I contacted him.  I was still exploring the lovely world of kink and I was trying to connect with people in the area and he was one of the first I noticed the profile of and had to go back to it over and over again until I managed to pluck up the courage to contact him...

Little did I know where it would lead, the things he would introduce me to, the people I would meet because of him.  I have a whole new family who I would do anything for, they have seen me at my worst and still been there for me, they put up with the craziness that mum dying and the subsequent anti-depressant induced haze..

When he left it hurt and more so than I thought it would.  But over the last year I have managed to seal that part of me off and I think that not having any contact, even if it was not intentional or my choice.  And then knowing that I had sent the e-mail and got no response it shut it off that little bit more, I no longer cried when I thought about him and what I had lost when he moved away.  But then knowing I had to see him, because I knew there was no choice.

And then when I saw him and got that hug, it opened it all back up.  There is something about him that I can't hide myself from, no matter how hard I try.... I know that if Kat read this she would be over here in an instant to kick my ass as she thinks that I need to forget about him and concentrate on Ste but she can only think from a mono PoV and she has never really understoof how I can love them both at the same time.

But when we spoke I felt some of the old feeling resurfacing and then knowing that he has actually replied to the e-mail just as a handwritten letter instead of an e-mail, I now want to know what is in the letter but I guess I will not find out until he actually posts it to me..... I am just feeling impatient now...

Tough Day

Well today was both harder and easier than I thought it would be.

I knew that seeing him would be hard after a whole year of nothing and I will admit that I was very nervous about it.  I know how my brain is and having sent the e-mail last month and getting nothing back I didn't know how he was going to react when I saw him...

So yesterday I was nervous but I was able to control it mostly, I went to work and got on with it.  After a hellish week I went to the pub at lunch and whilst I managed to avoid ordering a large drink I did succumb to a fried chicken burger and it was delicious.... however after that the nerves got the better of me I just couldn't eat anything else. 

I know that Ste was worried about it as he knows all the issues I have had in the past with not eating etc....  But after mucho stubborness he relented and I think realised what the reason was so he let me get away with not eating for the evening.  However the nerves were still there this morning so when he suggested that we had a McDonalds breakfast I could only face a bagel and we had a discussion about it as he wanted me to have a Big Breakfast due to not eating the night before, but there was no way that I could face eating that much.  So sent him with instructions to get a bagel, and he came back with 2 of them....

I ate one and 12 hrs later the other one is still on the table next to me, I know it is a waste of food and money but I only asked for one, he went and bought 2 of his own violition.  I think that he forgets I am not like him and that even if it is in front of me I can ignore food if I do not want it...

So by the time we got to the pub at 2.30 I had still only had the bagel but my guts were churning as I didn't know what to expect from him when I walked in.    But after ordering food and drinks I said hi and hugs were given then I kind of retreated and stood with Ste while he ate and we spoke to MG and some of the others...

After about an hour I was able to gather up enough of myself and go talk to him, and it was nice, I found that I can't stay mad at him when he is in front of me, I can't seem to keep the level of emotion I feel when I am sat here at home.  He said that he has written me a letter that he meant to bring with him but forgot to pack it, apparently it is on the table in front of the fridge....