More Ramblings

Well it took me so long to write out yesterdays brain mess that I ended up not going to bed until gone midnight... And I am still not sure if I sorted it all out to my satisfaction in my own head.

I know that I care for him, I have done for 3 years now, true it is not what I thought would happen when I contacted him.  I was still exploring the lovely world of kink and I was trying to connect with people in the area and he was one of the first I noticed the profile of and had to go back to it over and over again until I managed to pluck up the courage to contact him...

Little did I know where it would lead, the things he would introduce me to, the people I would meet because of him.  I have a whole new family who I would do anything for, they have seen me at my worst and still been there for me, they put up with the craziness that mum dying and the subsequent anti-depressant induced haze..

When he left it hurt and more so than I thought it would.  But over the last year I have managed to seal that part of me off and I think that not having any contact, even if it was not intentional or my choice.  And then knowing that I had sent the e-mail and got no response it shut it off that little bit more, I no longer cried when I thought about him and what I had lost when he moved away.  But then knowing I had to see him, because I knew there was no choice.

And then when I saw him and got that hug, it opened it all back up.  There is something about him that I can't hide myself from, no matter how hard I try.... I know that if Kat read this she would be over here in an instant to kick my ass as she thinks that I need to forget about him and concentrate on Ste but she can only think from a mono PoV and she has never really understoof how I can love them both at the same time.

But when we spoke I felt some of the old feeling resurfacing and then knowing that he has actually replied to the e-mail just as a handwritten letter instead of an e-mail, I now want to know what is in the letter but I guess I will not find out until he actually posts it to me..... I am just feeling impatient now...