23rd August 2009

I feel so lost at the moment, not sure what is the matter...

I keep finding myself breaking down into tears or sitting there just staring into space. Most of the time I can put the happy face on and get on with life as normal but I have these 'moments' and I just break down. There is nothing that is a common denominator about them. Have had it happen while cooking tea, out walking.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I must admit that the other day I was sat there and I felt like cutting myself. I know that it is wrong and I didn't but the urge was so very very strong. It was the one release that I had other than drink which I now barely do cos that tends to just get me in trouble and is much harder to stop, or at least it was when I fell in the bottle all those years ago.

When these moments happen it hurts so much, I want to just curl up and die. The only thing that I want is the one thing that I can never have again. I know that her not being here is a huge part of this but it is not the only part. Everything is so different and as much as I love my friends if I can't explain it to me then how the hell can I explain it to them.

There is no-one I can reach out to when this happens, yes there are friends I could call but if they came round the happy smiley face would go back on, I can't cry in front of people, I just can't... I could ask Al to beat me until I break but he's barely talking to me and won't touch me outside a public party so that is out the question.

Bugger it all.... I will just carry on and break down bit by bit no bugger will notice and probably won't care either.

12th August 2009

Okay have deleted the 'nilla blog cos I wasn't keeping the stupid thing up-to-date, it was too hard to keep it all light and fluffy when I just don't feel like that at the moment...

Work is so annoying at the moment. Found out today that I now fall under the admin team leader, that alone doesn't bother me it was just the way tht I found out. The new office manager (the one that no-one has actually been told about, we all just worked it out) came up and asked me if I had had my return to work with my line manager. So I laughed and said that Mac hadn't done the last 3.... then she said that it was the admin team leader that would be doing it and hadn't I been told that she was now my line manager.... GRRRRRR

7th August 2009

Okay am now on my own for a week as Al and Jo are off to Tavistock to a kinky cottage for the week... Sent Al a text last night about how I have been feeling and as yet I have heard nothing from him. Jo was round earlier and she said that he has definatley read it so he is once again ignoring me...

The text was basically everything that I have been feeling recently, letting him know that he has hurt me by ignoring and rejecting me this way. Told him that I realised that I had let my barriers down to fastand that I was going to have to put some up to protect myself.

Shall just have to see what happens....

3rd August 2009

Been feeling a bit flat all day today. I actually had a relaxed weekend but it was not the weekend that I had been looking forward to so am feeling a bit off becuase of it...

Had been meant to send the Saturday afternoon with Al but he had a bad head and guts, nothing that he could have controlled but I have to admit that it did annoy me a bit... Been trying to get time for weeks, we finally set something and *grrr*

Not sure that I will see him this week and then they are both off on holiday for a week and may be back on the 15th but after a kinky week away I doubt that they will want to do anything and it is a long drive back for them so I may get some time the following weekend if I am lucky...

God I hate these mood swings... I always said that I would not be one of those women ruled by her emotions but damn it all to hell if recently I have turned into one, I hate this....