Update

Well I had the coil taken out 2 weeks ago now and I have to admit that my moods are finally starting to stabalise I think.  Even the PMT this week was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the last 6 months or so.  The shiny things did not talk to me and I only got teary and emotional 1 day instead of the whole week before.

I didn't know if it was going to have any effect but I am quite shocked at how quickly it has worked for me.  I have been more tired than normal but if that is the only side effect then I can live with that. 

Work is getting better too, Karen is finally finding her feet as the manager and I have kind of stopped caring about it being a mindnumbingly boring job.  Though it is amusing that this coming week I will be training our newest member of staff, myself being the next newest member now that Ros has been medically signed off.

Morse have agreed to make me permanent on 19K, this should give me much more stability and better prospects in the long term.

Getting There

Okay so me and Ste are still working through the issues he has but I think we are at least making headway with things now....  I was being bratty earlier and he mean to say 'Stop that or I won't tie you down and beat you' but he missed out the 'won't'... So I just grinned, stuck my tongue out and carried on, thinking he would do his usual 'I didn't mean that'... But he came over, grabbed me by the hair and manhandled me into the bedroom...

I still thought he was still mucky about like normal and would give me a few swats and then go and play WoW but boy was I wrong....

Once he had got me tied down nice and secure he actually beat me... and not just for a few minutes, we were in there for over an hour.  He started out with the floggers to bring all the blood to the surface and then moved onto the kando sticks, the carriage whip and then through all 3 anes, ending with the dragon cane.

And for once he wasn't gentle and hesitant, he was mean and did what he wanted and I had no damn say in it... He beat me until I almost cried...

Below are the nice rope marks and cane marks he left :D

Okay so the last few weeks have been a tough few for me.  I don't know why the depression hit me again but it did and boy was it a doozy.

More than normal I felt the need to really push people away and just retreat into myself.  And it was everyone that I was pushing away, Ste, Al, Dad, Kat.... Everyone...

But I am lucky that Ste is a stubborn bugger and wouldn't let me cut him out too much and we have been working on the whole bunch of issues he has surrounding sex.  But they are going to take months to work through it is definately not a quick fix, but we are getting there.  He has got over most of his issues with giving me pleasure so at least that part is being satisfied.

And this last week I have realised that cutting myself off from everyone is only really hurting me.  So I am working at building back up all the ties that I had started to ignore.

Feelings

It feels childish when I say it out loud but it does not feel childish in here *points to chest* It feels like I am starving to death in the midst of a feast. But it is a feast that I share with many. No-one watches me 'that' way. There is always someone else more beautiful, more desireable, just more....

Just once I would like someone to look at me like that and actually mean it, act on it, not just think it!

New Job

Well I have just finished my 4th day at the new job and all I can say is that it is soooooo borin I am ready to stab people.  I don't care that they are paying me £100 a day it is so not worth it.

All I do it stare at a list, take the next task and assign it to myself.  Check on the system if it is licenses, ask any questions from the user, order or refer the job..... rinse and repeat.... *head ... desk ... head ... desk* The people are nice enough, the place is nice enough, the canteen is fab but the actual job.... bleh....

And with it taking 45 mins each way to get there I have a lot of time to wonder what the hell I got myself into....

Meh

Not sure why but at the moment I have to admit to being a bit down...  I am feeling downright anti-social and just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.. But of course when I feel like this no-one actually does because they know that this is when I forget to eat and the shiny things start to talk to me if I will listen to them.


So far doing okay on that front, I have eaten and the shiny things are just their usual whisper in the back of my head, so I am not worried on that front at the moment.


But I feel different to my normal anti-social self.  This time I don't just want them all to leave me alone, I would love nothing more than to vanish for a few days, but I can't do that too many people would worry so I will carry on sinking into WoW, at least it is an escape from the real world and I can ignore everyone if I want to.


I don't know why this has hit me at the moment.  And why it is seeming to intensify my self loathing as well but it is.  All I can see when I catch a view of myself is this ugly, fat blob that no-one could possibly be interested in.  And there is no-one that seems to understand how I can feel like this, if I say anything to anyone they just try and tell me that I am lovely and pretty and all that bollocks that I know is not true.  I know that they think they are doing the right thing but at the moment everytime they say it, it just clarifies it in my brain that the opposite it true, why else would they need to keep saying these things.


The wyrdest thing is that no-one actually sees past the shields I put up, they see this confident girl who wears pretty clothes to events and has a fab life with a wonderful poly family.  And they see me at events like Nemesis last weekend where I will strip down to my underwear in public for some play and not flinch about doing it.  And of course that shows my confidence etc, or at least that is what they see.


And up to a point it is true, my family are fantastic, I can't imagine not having them in my life anymore.  And a lot of the clothes I have invested in are nice enough, but underneath the smiling and laughing exterior there is this insecure little girl who is just playing dress up and acting the whole time.  When I play in public, they see the person happy to strip down and be beaten but what they don't see is that inside I am cringing at the thought of them seeing me in less. 


I like the corset because it is almost a body armour for me, it is very solid and holds me together (sometimes quite literally it feels) it brings me into that upright posture that conveys confidence and knowing that Al is such a well known person in all the clubs we attend I slap the smiling me on and get on with it because I don't want them to judge him because of my mess.


I know that this is my hangup but at the moment it is getting to me, eating away at the shields I have in place, the ones I have taken all these years to build up.  I guess I just need to work harder on reinforcing them, so that they stop leaking.  I keep saying to myself that if I act confident and like I actually like myself then one day it will not be an act anymore and I actually will be that person, but at the moment the act is just that!

Poetry

I generally use my other blog for poetry but since I didn't write this one and have no idea who the author is I thought I would put on here, for some reason this one is speaking to me at the moment.

Spoilt......

make me dirty
make me nasty
make me taboo
make me dark
make me forbidden
make me a sin
don't give me roses
don't give me bullshit
don't give me lines
don't give me promises
just do me like you mean it
just do me like you need it
just do me like you are addicted
just do me like you can't live without it
just do it right
make me hurt
make me filthy
don't tell me I am pretty
I don't want you adoration
I don't want picket fences
I don't want forever and ever
I want now
I want passion
I want hunger
I want pain
I want primal, nasty, evil
I want dirty, debauched, deviant
with a Capital D
hard
fast... sleazy... slutty
I want to feel Alive, Taken, Used
anything but soft
anything but nice
anything but ordinary

Herbert

Well I passed my CBT yesterday and took Herbert out for his first proper run today.  Damn he is big, heavy and fast....  I think I am in love!!!!

He is gorgeous and once you get past the heavy part he is so nimble.  Going to take a bit of getting used to riding as the balance is different with him having 3 wheels but the ride up to nan and grandads earlier was fab. 

I had forgotten how fast 70mph was on a bike.... and how big a splat a bug makes on your visor at that speed.

It felt so good to be back out on the road, I had forgotten how much freedom it offers and how open you feel when you are on it.

Have also just treated myself on eBay from my redundancy money.

A whole Helios kit for myself.... It has 10 electrodes and a ceramic core instead of the old wax ones.... So I can be electrified for longer!!!

Was a bit unsure about it but decided that when will I ever have the cash to spare again....

Complications

Well life was going well..... but after a fantastic easter weekend I am having to rethink one of the relationships I am a part of.

I spent the weekend with the whole of my poly family and it was a wonderful and fulfilling time for us all, but deep in the dark parts of my mind that I don't let anyone into I have to admit that I felt on the outside of it all for most of the weekend.  Not because I was not included, I was, heck I was the one feeding the troops and they offered help and assistance at every turn.  But I was the only one that was not getting more than the most basic of their needs filled.

A - He got to have the whole family together, be happy playing with S and K and M, bonding with T and F, tormenting P.

M & T - Got to spend quality kinky time together and time with the family, they played with us and on their own, both went away with smiles.

S - Our newest member of the family, she has come out of a bad relationship and needed the support and friendship we can offer.  She was played with and offered a place in this mad house we call a family.

K - Was only with us for a day and night but she enjoyed it, got played with and got to spend her first night with her Master.

P - Annoying as he may be, he got to be played with, the wait on us and to be tormented by us all.  He loved it and went away all sparkly.

F - Got to spend the weekend with the family being accepted and loved, this is his primay need. 

Me - I got a lot out of spending the weekend with the family and I loved being the one to cook for them all.  I got to fulfill the caretaker need I have.  I knew that I would not get a lot of time with A because he was looking after everyone and had S & K to play with and I have F. 

But I other than a quick play with the violet wand, which we all played with as a family, I did not get any one on one time with etiher F or A.  As said I expected the no time with A and it was cute to watch him with S & K, but I got nothing from F.  And it is not just this weekend, he shows no compunction to play with me, ever.  If there are people around he may give me a swat on the butt or pull my hair a bit but if it is just the 2 of us then he sinks into WoW and I get ignored. 

He knows that I want sex, it has been a year now and it is starting to get to me.  He says that he has to find the horny but makes no effort I can see.

I honestly don't know if I can go on with this.  We are not a couple in the sense I need, we are friends that live together and share a bed, that is all.  I cuddle and kiss most of my friends, I even tell them I love them because I do.  But I give so much to this relationship, have opened myself to him and I get nothing back other than a friend to clean up after who helps with a few of the bills.

I am going to meet Kitten at lunch, I think I need another perspective on this.  I don't know if I am thinking straight or not, I feel on the edge of tears all the damn time today, I hate feeling like this, but I need to get it all straight in my head before I say anything.

Maybe I need to send him home for a few days to give myself some room to think properly.

Almost a Year

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since mum died and it seems so very wyrd that it has been that long.  Time is a funny thing though, it seems so long since it happens and also such a short time.  I still can't think about it all too hard becuase I do find myself tearing up at the thought of how much I miss mum. 

Sometimes I am okay and life seems good...

Other times I feel like I am lost and alone in a very scary place with no way out...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.  I don't feel like I know where my life is going when I am feeling like this.

Luckily I don't have as many bad days now as I have in the past, but when I do have them it is so damn hard to even act vaguely normal.  It doesn't help at the moment that my back keeps playing up and the pain is getting to me.  The painkillers help but only so much, I have taken them for so long now that the codeine is only slightly effective, it takes the edge off it and stops it being screaming agony but everytime I move it is sharp pains across my back.  But I just have to deal with it I guess.

Report - 14/03/10

Date and Time: Sunday 14/03/2010 – 16:00

Played with: Alan

Report to: Alan

Clothing: Suspender Belt, Stockings, Knickers

Toys used: Crops, Carriage Whip, Kando Sticks, Acrylic Cane, Paddle with the metal core, Red and Black Cane

Arrangements: Arranged with Alan a week beforehand in person

Details of Play: Arrived at 1600 as arranged but due to The Attic the previous night things were running late so we took Tracey back to her train, dropped Mothers Day cards off and sorted out postings for The Attic on Fet and Kinktopia. We then had some pudding before starting to play since it was 19:30 by that point.

Told to take off all clothes apart from knickers, you seemed to get a nice surprise that I had remembered the stockings, and to kneel in front of the poufe (cushions provided for knees).

You then started to warm me up with the Kando sticks on both my back and front, lovely feeling though it was very odd when used over the nipples, between a tickle and a pain, kept trying to get away from it. You grabbed my nipple and pulled at it and asked me what it was, when I replied that it was my nipple you pulled a bit more and asked again and I told you that it was your nipple.

You then grabbed my ponytail and used it to hold me up while you used one of the crops and the carriage whip on my back and when you moved round to the front you put your arm around my neck to hold me in place. You were then running your hands over my back and neck and used your grip to push me forwards over the poufe.

You then used the carriage whip on my back, thighs and butt, followed by various crops (I honestly can’t tell you which order you used them in). The crops definitely stung more after the carriage whip had been used. Then you changed back to the kando sticks followed by the acrylic cane.

You then got a phone call from John at Nemesis and multi tasked, he agreed to call back and you had me move to kneel on the poufe instead of in front of it. You then started to use the carriage whip on me again but you managed to knock over the water I had been drinking. You moved the glass and then dipped the tip of the whip in the spilt water and used it on me, that definitely stung more and I think I must have meeped because you then spread some of the water on my shoulders and used the whip on that area and that did sting. You then decided that the floor was too slippery and got some tea towels to mop it up with.

While you were mopping up the water I was allowed to relax and since the crops and whip had bought tears to my eyes I took that time to wipe them away.

Then you swapped to the paddle with the metal core and that was nice and thuddy and you said how you liked it because it had the metal core and was nice and thuddy to use. Things were definitely a lot more tender by this point and I was starting to meep a bit, too long without a beating I think.... I think one of the strokes caught me really well on the tender bit of the thigh and I almost called you something but managed to stop myself so I get 2 swats on the butt for that and had to thank you for them, when I didn’t with the first one you re-administered said swat.

You got me to bend over onto the sofa and then swapped back to the crop Kirsty likes and I meeped at that one so you asked me which I preferred and I chose the paddle and got to choose where you used it, I got a swat on the left butt cheek and the right shoulder.

You then asked if I wanted 2 or 3 strokes, I choose 3 (I think that if I had chosen 2 then it would have seemed liked wussing out in my head) and I didn’t know that you had swapped to the red and black handled cane. You gave me the 3 strokes and they really brought me up with the pain but I managed to go back down each time and you allowed me the time to do this and I was able to count them out to you. This really did start the tears flowing and I think it was these that made it the point of no return for me.

You then had me kneel back upright and you stood behind me and used the crop on my nipples and I kept trying to hunch forward to stop you and then bring myself back upright. You grabbed hold of the ponytail to try and control me more. You then switched to the kando sticks and I did the same dance with those except I started trying to bring my hands up as well and it took all my will power to move them back down to my sides and let you carry on.

At this point you switched from holding me by the hair as that was not working to putting your arm around my throat. When the escape attempts got really bad you then swapped to pinching and pulling at my nipples and at one point you had to tell me to keep my hands down and I pretty much had to sit on them to stop myself trying to cover myself.

Sometime in this part of the play I actually started to cry properly and you wrapped me in the blanket and just held me while helping me to calm down. When I had calmed down enough to speak you got me some more water and gave me some Haribo as I had started to shake slightly.

Marks: Kisses from the carriage whip over back and down to the thighs; 3 cane marks on the back of the thighs; light bruising on the outer right thigh. The cane marks on the right side are tender to the touch but the one on the left side is much more bruised and is extremely tender to touch and will get me doing the ‘fuck dance’ if you poke it, which Steve has done several times as it amuses him....

Liked: Really liked the kando sticks and as much as the cane strokes hurt like a b**** they really helped to push me.

Disliked: The evil stingy carriage whip... Overall it was nice but I definitely prefer the thuddy toys.

Other Comments: I have to admit that I was a bit shocked at the tears, I really hadn’t expected that to happen. There are very few people I trust enough to cry in front of (I can count them on one hand) it made me feel very vulnerable when I did cry.

Currently Untitled

I blinked as I came round, the lights in the room were bright enough to hurt my eyes. Once I had adjusted to the lights I started to look around me trying to piece together what had happened for me to end up here.

I could feel the stiff leather of the restraints that were holding me down, the antiseptic smell of the medical bay seeping into my nostrils until it was all I could smell. Whatever it was they had used to knock me out had definitely done it’s job well, even the small movements the restraints allowed seemed like hard work and as I moved my head around to try and take in as much of the bay as I could, I could feel the dizziness threatening to drag me back under.

After a few minutes I found that I could move my arms and legs maybe an inch in any direction before the leather tugged tight and started to dig into my flesh. And I could see directly in front of me and most of the sides of the bay, the neck restraint was too tight to move to look behind me.

I took a few deep breathes and tried to calm myself down, there was nothing I could do until someone came to see me and tell me more about why I was here.

---

She looked to vulnerable lying on the bed in just the thin gown she had been changed into upon arrival at the unit. But of course that was all part of the treatment, these girls needed to learn there place and it happened from the moment they were brought through the doors.

‘So what has this one been brought in for then?’ I asked the attendant monitoring her.

‘Her father contacted us a few weeks ago. She was being wilful and refusing to follow his instruction. He couldn’t get her under control, apparently her mother was the same until after her short stay with us, so he has asked that we also help with his daughter.’ He answered as he looked at her notes on the computer. ‘I think you may have fun with her, he says that she refuses all “girlie” clothing and will only wear trousers and t-shirts’

‘You know me to well Russell.’ I said, a grin slowly spreading across my face, I loved breaking down girls like this.

‘Do you have a plan in mind or are we going to play it by ear Sir?

‘I think I will start with a standard deprivation and then see what her reactions are like to her new clothing selections’ I replied, all the while pondering what I could do to bring this wilful creature back into line. ‘Can you go and take her measurements so that we can arrange a …… suitable wardrobe for her’

---

I heard a door open behind me and then soft foot steps made their way over to beside my bed.

‘Hello Miss Greenwood, I’m your attendant for the day, I just need to take a few measurements to ensure your stay here is as pleasant as we can make it.’

‘Why am I here?’ I asked him, ‘What are you going to do to me? How long do you expect me to put up with this treatment?’

I got no answer from him, he just started fiddling with the controls on the console over by the far wall and I felt the bed tilting into an upright position.

He walked back over to me, carrying a tape measure, pen and clipboard from the console as he came.

‘Why won’t you answer me?’ I almost screamed at him. I wasn’t used to being ignored like this, ‘I am a human being not a bloody lab rat, speak to me, I demand some answers!’

Still nothing, he started to take some measurements, steadfastly ignoring my questions. So I decided to try a slightly different tact to get his attention. I started moving the part of me he was trying to measure, if he was going to ignore me then I was sure as hell not going to make it easy for him to do so, sure I couldn’t move much but it was enough to get an exasperated sigh from him and he stopped measuring me.

A small grin of triumph started as he walked away from the bed, only to quickly vanish when I saw him produce a syringe and start back my way.

‘Miss Greenwood! Are you going to stop moving and co-operate with me or am I going to have to give you something to help me do my job?’

He stood there so calmly holding the needle over my arm, ready to get me with it if I didn’t do what he asked. And as much as the needles scared the hell out of me, the idea that I could lie there and let this man take my measurements and not answer my questions just burned against every single part of me. So I did the only thing I could think of, I started to scream.

---

I watched as Russell finally got the girl to quiet down, it took quite a bit of sedative but eventually she lay still and stopped screaming.

He carried on taking her measurements, checking her breathing and pulse at intervals, and when he was finished he moved the bed back to it’s original position and came back into the control room.

‘Here you go Sir’ he said, handing me the clipboard with all her details on it.

I cast my eyes over the numbers written on the sheet, going over the items we had in stock that I could use on this girl.

‘She’s a feisty little on isn’t she’ I said to him as I was looking over things, ‘I can see why she was brought in. Can you imagine the havoc she would reek if we let her stay with the normal populace like this.’

‘She’s definitely going to be a challenge. Do you need any further help sorting your equipment out for her, or shall I come back at the change of watch to help you move her?’

’I think I can handle it, can you make sure that all the kit is moved into room 5 for me and I will meet you back here at the change of watch.’ I replied.

Russell nodded and left me to my own devices.

---

Thoughts

Well I have had a good day visiting Auntie Linda and the family down in Shipston. I have to admit that I forgot how much fun it is to visit the family. But I also forgot how much energy it takes and hadn't realised just how much it would take out of me. Auntie Linda looks scarily like mum and I admit that it got to me a bit but I knew it would so I can deal with it.

New Toys and Family

Well I have had a busy weekend and my back is making me pay for it today but it was worth it.... Went to Dark Attic on Saturday and had a good time there picking up some new toys and watchin a fab electrickery demo from MrLoc and Star. Then had Sunday dinner with the whole family...

Dark Attic

Well now that me and Al are working things out I have had a bit more of an insight into how the Dark Attic is being run. It has been taken over by some new guys and they seem to be more into the swinging side of things but they attended the party to see what it was like. Not sure what they made of it but it was certainly a good night for them to attend because it was PACKED....

Lazarus the toy-maker was there and we got a few new toys to play with. Kando sticks 9the pair for £5) which can be changed from thuddy to nice warm up toys by moving the bands up and down


Then we got a lovely flogger for £30, it has an oak handle that is really smooth and nice to hold and the little we have used it, it seems really thuddy...

Family Dinner

Well on Sunday we had a poly family dinner and it was great... Me, Ste, Al, Maddie, Trustee and Al's new girl he is considering Kirsty. I was in charge of the cooking, and it has been a while since I had to cook for 6 of us but we had stuffed chicken, roast parsnip and carrots, mash, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and carrots. I worked with Maddie and Trustee in the kitchen and we had it all ready for the same time, so I served up and everyone seemed to enjoy it. I thought the roasties could have done with a bit more time but hey if that is the worst thing that is good.

Kirsty was sooooo nervous bless her... And when she was asked to serve the pudding she had bought she tried to serve Maddie first and blushed from the roots when I told her that she needed to serve the boys first since they were the Doms at the table... And when we were tidying up she kept apologising and saying that she had so much to learn. Me and Maddie assured her that this was the place to make these mistakes.

It felt to nice to have a family day, we were all super relaxed and able to just be ourselves.

BLEH

How to describe how I am feeling at the moment.... apathetic, bored, tired, manic, angry, upset, near tears, ready to kill the next person to ring the damn helpdesk.

I am fluctuating between just about all the emotions that are available to me at the moment and I do not have a clue why. I know that being here and on the helldesk is not helping the mood but usually I can just suck it up and get on with it, I mean it is only until 5pm that I am stuck here.
Been in such a funny mood since the Wednesday before the wedding and no idea why. I know that I was not looking forward to the wedding because generally I hate the damn things, and having to be such a big part of one was just a hellish idea but I knew how much it meant to Kat to have me there for her on the day, hell that is the only reason that I agreed to be Maid of Honour for her. Anyone else and I would have laughed and run away screaming.

I think it is more that for the past few days haven’t felt like I have had control of my life.
Thursday I was collected by Kat at 9am and we went to see Ali and get our eyebrows threaded, which I will admit was lovely, he always makes me laugh and smile, you can’t be depressed with Ali plus the pampering really helps. Then we went to sort out various bits in town and once home I had time to pack my bag, hang the washing out and then go over to her house to finish up bits for the wedding.

Once there I was making the last of the favours for the day, then slaying the kitchen monster whilst making sure she stayed sane as the stress was really getting to her. At 4pmish her dad collected us and we were off to the hotel. Unloading the car, sorting out the rooms, then the family meal at Antibos followed by drinks with the Manx family in the hotel bar. Once Kat started dropping off at 11ish we went to bed and I was asleep so quick as I was knackered.
I was up for 7.30 the next morning and the day until the wedding was a bit of a whirl... breakfast, check reception and loos for placements, make up, sort out stuff, hair, get Kat dressed, get me dressed, wedding.....

The wedding was lovely, seeing Chris’ face when he saw Kat walking down the aisle was enough to make me tear up as I had already seen Kat in the dress many times but he was in awe of her and it was so sweet. The only problem we had was the registrars mobile going off during the ceremony. But that was such a little thing.

Then we had the meal and all that nonsense and the food was lovely, especially the goats cheese and caramelised onion tart *nummy* but even then although it was all over I was still up and down with Kat because the photographers were not getting the shots she wanted so she was crying and needed calming down, then the bustle kept coming down, then Chris stood on it do I had to redo the loop, then the loop at the top of the dress came away from the hook and I had to redo that, then the bustle was coming off still... so I was up and down all night.

Once the evening do started it did slow down a bit since Kat was circulating a bit more but she was still dragging me off every 20mins or so to do something. By 10 I was knackered and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open so I got Faulkner to take me home and once we had everything in the house I was asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Saturday I still felt knackered after 9 hours sleep but I thought that it was just that I had been so stressed with the wedding for so long that it was catching up with me. So when I went back to bed at 11am it didn’t phase me.

Then Nik and Sare arrived with Alicia as Nik had buggered up his PC again. So Faulkner fixed it and we got taken out with Tizer and his kids for Chinese at the Water Margin which was FAB but we didn’t get home til nearly 10 and I was straight to bed again.

Yesterday was taken up with trying to stay awake, I couldn’t even be bothered to do any housework, I just sat and played WoW all day, got from revered to exhalted with Argent Dawn in a single day.... Obsessive much.....

And then today I am just BLEH.... and I don’t know what to do about it all. I think I may have to have a few days on my own soon to try and sort my head out. I know that I am getting edgy with Faulkner too and it is not all his fault but I am getting bloody frustrated.

I know that I have 30 years of living at home to break but he can’t seem to see why I am annoyed at the mess he makes. He jokes about the OCD but it is part of who I am, I need to have a clean flat and it is driving me nuts not to be able to have it as clean as I like it to be. And even if I get it how I want it the second he walks in the door it all goes to pot as he basically just dumps crap everywhere..... It is starting to get to me....

And of course I am starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me as well. Am I really that hideous... Is sex really that repulsive an idea.. I know it has been 9 years but you would think that would mean the bloody opposite. I know he says he loves me but damn it I have needs and it has been nearly a year now and I am getting pissed off... When I am not getting upset that is....

Bugger it all... Gonna go home and ignore all this again... Seems to work well....

What I Desire

There are many things that someone can desire in life; money, lovers, fame. All valid things to want but I am a woman of simple pleasures. What I desire the most is a family, not the traditional husband, wife 2.5 kids version, no a family of my choosing. A group of people that I love and care for and who love and care for me.

I can’t imagine that I will end up with a traditional family setup, it just isn’t what I want. I have had a taste of what I desire and it only made me want it more. I want to have the sort of home where you walk in and it just feels cosy and warm. And to be able to share it with 2 or 3 Significant Others (SO’s) and possibly their SO’s too, a big happy family who share each others lives. I know that it wouldn’t always be easy and that these things take work, commitment and communication but I think that to get what I want then these are good things to have to work on. Plus you can’t know that you are contented and happy unless you have had to work for it.

I want to come home from work to our home, maybe the house is empty, maybe it’s not. To be able to go and get changed out of my work wear and pop into the kitchen to start preparing the meal for the evening. Chatting to my SO’s while I do so, from anything as mundane as how work was to our plans for the next Fet event we are attending. All the while the kettle has been boiling away so that when each person gets home there is a cup of tea/coffee available when they walk through the door to go with the welcome home kiss and cuddle.

To be able to mooch together in the living room while the food is cooking, listening to music or watching something while chatting still, just relaxing or going about our individual pastimes. Then to be able to serve up dinner and either all sit in the dining room and eat together or have a relaxed evening and eat off our knees in the living room with a good movie on to watch and then snuggle up afterwards to finish watching.

I know that this would be an idealised evening, life does tend to get in the way of these things, we all have families and friends to see, socialising to do, housework, homework and in the case of World of Warcraft addicts such as myself there is gaming to be done... But this is what a family does.

Then as the evening drifts on and we are all ready for bed we would all start getting ready for bed and then either go to our individual rooms or go and make a lovely warm and comfy human pile in the main bedroom. We could just sleep or we could have lots of naughty fun together but both are good in their own way.

It could even be that someone sleeps in their own room because they are too tired, ill, grumpy, needing their own space. Or it could be that I get in from being out with friends etc and I can crawl into bed with them and cuddle up to them, or have them come in from the same and crawl into bed with me so I can cuddle up to them.

I want to be able to go out as a family, to go shopping for ‘stuff’, to go on holiday, to go to Fet events and have fun together at them. To be able to share all the experiences with my SO’s and build on them over time. And all the time we are out in the vanilla world I want to know that under the ‘normal’ exterior we project (maybe not to well cos shocking the ‘nilla’s is just too much fun) that I am wearing the marks/symbols showing that I belong to them totally. To have a collar or special jewellery on that has been picked out by them for me to wear to show my submission to them, and to wear the marks that they have inflicted on my body while showing their dominance of me, be it for a reason or because we were having fun playing and the bruises are just there for me to stroke, admire and poke as a reminder of that.

Most of all I want to feel loved and cherised for being the strong, mushy, girlie, wyrd person that I am and to be accepted without question. To know that even if my choices are questioned to start with that when a course of action has been decided on that my SO’s will back me up 100%. And if it crashes and burns that they will be there for me to lean on and they will help me get back on my feet.

Does that all sound like too much for a girl to hope to have, am I just day dreaming. Oh well if I am at least it is a wonderful day dream......

Revised What I Want

Okay so things have changed quite a lot since I originally put words to what I wanted in a relationship so I figured that it was time to do a revision on what it is this girl wants.....

I have a primary partner, he is my best friend and I can't imagine being without him but he is new to the role of Master. He is learning and we are having a lot of fun exploring and learning together.

I would love to find someone else to play with occasionally, someone who will use me as they see fit, keep me at their feet as a plaything, someone to crook their finger at me at a fet party and knowing that they are going to play hard and leave me a quivering heap. To be taken out on their arm as their princess and then used and abused like the slut I am. I want to be degraded and debased, caged and confined, tied up and tormented... Can you see a theme here.

I want to experience some of the extremes of this world, and I know the boss is uncomfortable with them, so someone to take me to those extremes. Someone to abducte me and play out the rape fantasies; to play with knives, running them over me while I am bound and can't stop them, maybe even try out cutting.

I want a family of my choosing, I want us all to be able to get together of an evening to cook and eat together, sit round the table and chat with a good bottle or 2 of wine, then maybe a movie or maybe an evening of kinky fun. Curling up together in a big naked human pile at the end of the night and falling asleep and waking up surrounded by my family.

I know this is a tall order but hey a girl can wish can't she.

Trying to Shed the LBs (again)

Okay so gonna try and lose some more weight this year. They have put the Paul McKenna 'I Can Make You Thin' on the tv again so I am going to try and follow this....

The 4 Golden Rules

1. When you are hungry, eat
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should
3. Eat consiously and enjoy every mouthful
4. When you think you are full, stop.

NLP Tapping to Control Emotional Eating/Stress Situations

Tap under eye x10
Tap under collar bone x10
Tap under eye x10
Tap side of hand x10
Tap back of hand
- Close eyes
- Eyes down and to right
- Eyes down and to left
- Full 360 of eyes
- Opposite direction 360
- Hum a tune
- Count 1-5 outloud
- Hum a tune
Tap under eye x10
Tap under collar bone x10
Tap under eye x10
Rinse and repeat until desire is gone.

Interview

Okay so today I had my first interview in over 8 years.... I was SOOOOO nervous all this morning. It was all I was able to do to actually get any work done, though I have to admit that all that got done was a few PPM Planners got run and e-mailed out.

Everyone was asking me how I was feeling and about the interview and I think that was making me even more nervous than I already was.

So at 12.30 I pootled down to the taxi and we made our way to Wheeldon, it is only about a 20ish min walk from town so it will mean that if I get it then I won't have an increase in bus fare....

I was a bit early for the interview but they saw me early and I would out for 1.10pm. Should hear if they want me back for a second interview tomorrow or Thursday. *crosses fingers*

Movies to see in 2010

Alice in Wonderland - Tim Burton
Starring - Johnny Depp, Helen Bonham Carter
Released - 05/03/2010

When Alice tumbles down, down, down a rabbit-hole one hotsummer's afternoon in pursuit of a White Rabbit she finds herself in Wonderland. And there begin the fantastical adventures that will see herexperiencing extraordinary changes in size, swimming in a pool of her own tears and attending the very maddest of tea parties. For Wonderland is no ordinary place and the characters that populate it are quite unlike anybody young Alice has ever met before. In this imaginary land she encounters the savagely violent Queen, the Lachrymose Mock Turtle, the laconic Cheshire Cat and the hookah-smoking Caterpillar, each as surprising and outlandish as the next.

I just LURVE Tim Burton movies, and Johnny Depp ~drool~ so this is a definate MUST SEE...

________

Remember Me
Starring - Robert Pattinson, Pierce Brosnan
Released - 12/03/2010

Infused with humor and romance, "Remember Me" tells the unforgettable love story of two young people who learn how important it is to love passionately and live loudly everyday of one's life.

The story idea intrigues me, so this is on the want to see list, or at least wait til available when out of cinema....
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Death at a Funeral
Starring - Chris Rock, Regina Hall
Released - 23/04/2010

"Death at a Funeral" is a hilarious day in the life of an American family that has come together to put a beloved husband and father to rest. As mourners gather at the family home, shocking revelations, festering resentments, ugly threats, blackmail and a misdirected corpse unleash lethal and riotous mayhem.

Sounds funny as hell, I usually like Chris Rock movies so it's worth a look see.
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Shrek - Forever After
Starring - Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz
Released - 21/05/2010

After challenging an evil dragon, rescuing a beautiful princess and saving your in-laws’ kingdom, what’s an ogre to do? Well, if you’re Shrek, you suddenly wind up a domesticated family man. Instead of scaring villagers away like he used to, a reluctant Shrek now agrees to autograph pitch forks. What’s happened to this ogre’s roar? Longing for the days when he felt like a “real ogre,” Shrek is duped into signing a pact with the smooth-talking dealmaker, Rumpelstiltskin. Shrek suddenly finds himself in a twisted, alternate version of Far Far Away, where ogres are hunted, Rumpelstiltskin is king and Shrek and Fiona have never met. Now, it’s up to Shrek to undo all he’s done in the hopes of saving his friends, restoring his world and reclaiming his one True Love.

Who doesn't love Shrek and fairytale movies.....
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Toy Story 3
Starring - Tim Allen, Tom Hanks
Released - 18/06/2010

Andy is now a young adult, departing for college, and his toys, including Woody and Buzz Lightyear, are being sent to storage. Before his toys can be put in the attic, they are accidentally thrown away and are picked up by the garbage men. The toys find themselves at a local day-care center where they must try to survive pre-school children.

Yes I know I am a Pixar nut but I love them all.....
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The Twilight Saga - Eclipse
Starring - Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Kirsten Stewart
Released - 30/06/2010

In "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse", Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob—knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the ageless struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life.

Hubba hubba ~drool~
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Beastly
Starring - Vanessa Hudgens
Released - 30/07/2010

Kyle Kingson (Alex Pettyfer) has it all – looks, intelligence, wealth and opportunity – and a wicked cruel streak. Prone to mocking and humiliating “aggressively unattractive” classmates, he zeroes in on Goth classmate Kendra, inviting her to the school’s extravagant environmental bash. Kendra accepts, and, true to form, Kyle blows her off in a particularly savage fashion. She retaliates by casting a spell that physically transforms him into everything he despises.

Enraged by his horrible and unrecognizable appearance he confronts Kendra and learns that the only solution to the curse is to find someone that will love him as he is – a task he considers impossible. Repulsed by his appearance, Kyle’s callous father banishes him to Brooklyn with a sympathetic housekeeper and blind tutor. As Kyle ponders how to overcome the curse and get his old life back, he chances upon a drug addict in the act of killing a threatening dealer. Seizing the opportunity, Kyle promises the addict freedom and safety for his daughter, Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens) if she will consent to live in Kyle’s Brooklyn home. Thus begins Kyle’s journey to discover true love in this hyper-modern retelling of the classic “Beauty and the Beast” story.

I have a thing for fairytales ok.....
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
Starring - Daniel Radcliffe etc
Released - 19/11/2010

The final chapter of the Harry Potter film series begins as Harry, Ron and Hermione leave Hogwarts behind and set out to find and destroy the Horcruxes--the secret to Voldemort's power and immortality.

Kat will drag me to see as she loves them and the book was good...
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Burlesque
Starring - Christina Aquilera, Cher
Released - 24/11/2010

Ali (Christina Aguilera) is a small-town girl with a big voice who escapes hardship and an uncertain future to follow her dreams to LA. After stumbling upon The Burlesque Lounge, a majestic but ailing theater that is home to an inspired musical revue, Ali lands a job as a cocktail waitress from Tess (Cher), the club's proprietor and headliner. Burlesque's outrageous costumes and bold choreography enrapture the young ingenue, who vows to perform there one day.

Soon enough, Ali builds a friendship with a featured dancer (Julianne Hough), finds an enemy in a troubled, jealous performer (Kristen Bell), and garners the affection of Jack (Cam Gigandet), a bartender and fellow musician. With the help of a sharp-witted stage manager (Stanley Tucci) and gender-bending host (Alan Cumming), Ali makes her way from the bar to the stage. Her spectacular voice restores The Burlesque Lounge to its former glory, though not before a charismatic entrepreneur (Eric Dane) arrives with an enticing proposal...

BURLESQUE, BURLESQUE.... Woot..... corset, stockings, hot girlies ~drool~
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Rapunzel
Starring - Mandy Moore
Released - 12/11/2010

Walt Disney Pictures presents "Rapunzel," an action-packed, swashbuckling, animated musical comedy about the girl behind 70 feet of magical, golden hair. A princess stolen from her parents' castle as a baby, Rapunzel (voice of Mandy Moore) is locked in a hidden tower longing for adventure Now an imaginative and determined teenager, she takes off on a hilarious, hair-raising escapade with the help of a dashing bandit (voice of Zachary Levi). With the secret of her royal heritage hanging in the balance and her captor in pursuit, Rapunzel and her cohort find adventure, heart, humor, and hair... lots of hair. With original music by Alan Menken and lyrics by Glenn Slater, this comedic re-imagining of the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale comes to theaters in Disney Digital 3D™.

Another fairytale I know but I admitted to having a thing for them earlier....
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2009 Reflections

Decided it was time to do the annaul reflection on the past year, inspired by the questions on Slave Isabelle's blog

1. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any last year and see previous entry for this years hopes and wishes.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth this year?
No-one in the family or friends but Michelle at work had the adorable Sophie in June.

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my mum.



4. What would you like to have in the next year that you lacked this year?
Obvious answer is 'mum' but that cannot happen, so I think less illness would be a good thing. I have had so many infections this year it is scary.

5. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory and why?
March 22nd, the day mum died. Doesn't help that this was Mothers Day.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not entirely falling apart when mum died, I didn't revert to either drink or my old eating habits even when the depression kicked in. I was also pleased at how my tattoo for mum turned out.



7. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Too much, yes..... I am still suffering with a chest, ear and nose infection that I have had for 11 weeks now.

8. What song will always remind you of this year?
No specific song but loving Muse and Paramore.

9. Compared to this time last year are you: happier or sadder? Richer or poorer? Thinner or fatter?
Happier in myself, Sadder cos mum isn't here. Poorer as there is only my money coming in so ALL the bills are mine but a bit richer too as less outgoings without Tray. Thinner certainly, only by 8lbs but considering everything that has gone off I am quite proud of it.

10. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had spent more time with mum because it is something I can never do again.

11. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Wasting time on WoW, it is only a game.

12. Did you fall in love this year?
Several times yes... I met and fell for the lovely Al and Jo, true it didn't last but we are still friends and I value that immensely.

I have also discovered that I am in love with one of my best friends... People were telling us for weeks that we were dating long before we admitted it to ourselves but I am glad that it happened.

13. What was your favourite TV program for the year?
Lie to Me is definitely a new favourite. I adore Tim Roth in it....

14. What was the best book you read this year?
The Twilight Series are a new MUST HAVE item on my bookshelves.

15. What was your favourite film of the year?
Twilight and New Moon, but only so I can drool over Jacob.... Even if he is only 17 :S



16. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned for this year?
Spend as much time as possible with the important people in your life, cos when they are gone you can't do it anymore.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I can't say I hate anyone as that is such a strong emotion but I do detest Marilyn and Graham at work. They are not worth the energy it takes to hate them.

18. What did you want and get?
To go to Woolacombe, even when we went to scatter mums ashes it was nice to be home again.

19.What did you want and not get?
For it all to be a nightmare and to be able to wake up.

20.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not to be made redundant.

21. How would you describe your personal fashion concept?
Getting better :P I used to just wear big bags but this year I have started to learn that figure fitting clothes are not a bad thing and actually hide more than some of the big bags I have worn in the past.

22. What kept you sane?
Who said I was sane!!!

New Year - New Start

Okay so the new year is once again upon us all..... I know this is traditionally the time for us all to make resolutions and such like but generally they all come to nowt but lets see what I wish for this year shall we.

Well I know that I will be changing jobs this yer, I really don't have much choice in the matter but I am hoping that this redundancy is the kick up the butt I need to get out the rut I have become stuck in at COFELY. A job that I don't enjoy, or find much challenge in but people that I love and are the reason I stay.

But I guess that the big question is what do I want from a job? Not entirely sure of that one myself to be sure. I know I need a job that will pay the bills so at least £16K but that is not to hard to find. I need something that will challenge me, keep me interested and not make me want to bash my head against my desk in sheer boredom after a few weeks. I am not sure what industry I want to work in, I have tried so many and none have appealed more than others.

I know I want to lose some more weight, was 16st 2lb this morning (yey 2lbs gone over xmas) and I am thinking I would like to lose at least 2 stone this year, possibly more up to 4 stone would be good, no sure after that. I know I can't start a serious diet til after the wedding as the dress is made to fit but maybe a few lbs over the next 28 days will not hurt too much.

But after Kat's wedding then I think I may even try going to Faulkners class, it seemed to do wonders for him so hopefully it will work with me to, yeah I hate the idea of katas and grading but if it helps with the weight lose then it is a good thing... and I know I need to improve my fitness for the good of my back.

Tarot Spread - New Year

Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan

Card 1 : Present : Death - The end of one phase of life to make way for another, major change and transformation.

Card 2 : Influences : Temperance - Moderation, the ability to compromise to find a reconciliation.

Card 3 : Past Issues : 4 of Cups - Feeling of boredom or inward discontent, even though nothing appears to be wrong.

Card 4 : Immediate Past : 10 of Pentacles - Financial and family stability.

Card 5 : Your Thoughts : 10 of Cups - Comitted and contented love with permanence.

Card 6 : Immediate Future : The Devil - Situation dragging you down, self enslavement, must take control of behaviour to change it.

Card 7 : Fears : 2 of Wands - New projects, movin forward.

Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 4 of Swords - Rest and recovery, a time to recharge your batteries after a period of stress and stuggle.

Card 9 : Hopes : The Moon - More to the situation than meets the eye, wait until the situation resolves itself more.

Card 10 : Outcome : Queen of Swords - A strong independent woman.

Additional Cards

Card 11 : 6 of Cups - Blast from the past, nostalgia.

Card 12 : 3 of Pentacles - Hard work is being rewarded at last.

Card 13 - The Tower - Foundations collapsin and needing to be rebuilt.

Card 14 : 7 of Pentacles - Hard work and patience will be rewarded.