BLEH

How to describe how I am feeling at the moment.... apathetic, bored, tired, manic, angry, upset, near tears, ready to kill the next person to ring the damn helpdesk.

I am fluctuating between just about all the emotions that are available to me at the moment and I do not have a clue why. I know that being here and on the helldesk is not helping the mood but usually I can just suck it up and get on with it, I mean it is only until 5pm that I am stuck here.
Been in such a funny mood since the Wednesday before the wedding and no idea why. I know that I was not looking forward to the wedding because generally I hate the damn things, and having to be such a big part of one was just a hellish idea but I knew how much it meant to Kat to have me there for her on the day, hell that is the only reason that I agreed to be Maid of Honour for her. Anyone else and I would have laughed and run away screaming.

I think it is more that for the past few days haven’t felt like I have had control of my life.
Thursday I was collected by Kat at 9am and we went to see Ali and get our eyebrows threaded, which I will admit was lovely, he always makes me laugh and smile, you can’t be depressed with Ali plus the pampering really helps. Then we went to sort out various bits in town and once home I had time to pack my bag, hang the washing out and then go over to her house to finish up bits for the wedding.

Once there I was making the last of the favours for the day, then slaying the kitchen monster whilst making sure she stayed sane as the stress was really getting to her. At 4pmish her dad collected us and we were off to the hotel. Unloading the car, sorting out the rooms, then the family meal at Antibos followed by drinks with the Manx family in the hotel bar. Once Kat started dropping off at 11ish we went to bed and I was asleep so quick as I was knackered.
I was up for 7.30 the next morning and the day until the wedding was a bit of a whirl... breakfast, check reception and loos for placements, make up, sort out stuff, hair, get Kat dressed, get me dressed, wedding.....

The wedding was lovely, seeing Chris’ face when he saw Kat walking down the aisle was enough to make me tear up as I had already seen Kat in the dress many times but he was in awe of her and it was so sweet. The only problem we had was the registrars mobile going off during the ceremony. But that was such a little thing.

Then we had the meal and all that nonsense and the food was lovely, especially the goats cheese and caramelised onion tart *nummy* but even then although it was all over I was still up and down with Kat because the photographers were not getting the shots she wanted so she was crying and needed calming down, then the bustle kept coming down, then Chris stood on it do I had to redo the loop, then the loop at the top of the dress came away from the hook and I had to redo that, then the bustle was coming off still... so I was up and down all night.

Once the evening do started it did slow down a bit since Kat was circulating a bit more but she was still dragging me off every 20mins or so to do something. By 10 I was knackered and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open so I got Faulkner to take me home and once we had everything in the house I was asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Saturday I still felt knackered after 9 hours sleep but I thought that it was just that I had been so stressed with the wedding for so long that it was catching up with me. So when I went back to bed at 11am it didn’t phase me.

Then Nik and Sare arrived with Alicia as Nik had buggered up his PC again. So Faulkner fixed it and we got taken out with Tizer and his kids for Chinese at the Water Margin which was FAB but we didn’t get home til nearly 10 and I was straight to bed again.

Yesterday was taken up with trying to stay awake, I couldn’t even be bothered to do any housework, I just sat and played WoW all day, got from revered to exhalted with Argent Dawn in a single day.... Obsessive much.....

And then today I am just BLEH.... and I don’t know what to do about it all. I think I may have to have a few days on my own soon to try and sort my head out. I know that I am getting edgy with Faulkner too and it is not all his fault but I am getting bloody frustrated.

I know that I have 30 years of living at home to break but he can’t seem to see why I am annoyed at the mess he makes. He jokes about the OCD but it is part of who I am, I need to have a clean flat and it is driving me nuts not to be able to have it as clean as I like it to be. And even if I get it how I want it the second he walks in the door it all goes to pot as he basically just dumps crap everywhere..... It is starting to get to me....

And of course I am starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me as well. Am I really that hideous... Is sex really that repulsive an idea.. I know it has been 9 years but you would think that would mean the bloody opposite. I know he says he loves me but damn it I have needs and it has been nearly a year now and I am getting pissed off... When I am not getting upset that is....

Bugger it all... Gonna go home and ignore all this again... Seems to work well....