Meh

Not sure why but at the moment I have to admit to being a bit down...  I am feeling downright anti-social and just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.. But of course when I feel like this no-one actually does because they know that this is when I forget to eat and the shiny things start to talk to me if I will listen to them.


So far doing okay on that front, I have eaten and the shiny things are just their usual whisper in the back of my head, so I am not worried on that front at the moment.


But I feel different to my normal anti-social self.  This time I don't just want them all to leave me alone, I would love nothing more than to vanish for a few days, but I can't do that too many people would worry so I will carry on sinking into WoW, at least it is an escape from the real world and I can ignore everyone if I want to.


I don't know why this has hit me at the moment.  And why it is seeming to intensify my self loathing as well but it is.  All I can see when I catch a view of myself is this ugly, fat blob that no-one could possibly be interested in.  And there is no-one that seems to understand how I can feel like this, if I say anything to anyone they just try and tell me that I am lovely and pretty and all that bollocks that I know is not true.  I know that they think they are doing the right thing but at the moment everytime they say it, it just clarifies it in my brain that the opposite it true, why else would they need to keep saying these things.


The wyrdest thing is that no-one actually sees past the shields I put up, they see this confident girl who wears pretty clothes to events and has a fab life with a wonderful poly family.  And they see me at events like Nemesis last weekend where I will strip down to my underwear in public for some play and not flinch about doing it.  And of course that shows my confidence etc, or at least that is what they see.


And up to a point it is true, my family are fantastic, I can't imagine not having them in my life anymore.  And a lot of the clothes I have invested in are nice enough, but underneath the smiling and laughing exterior there is this insecure little girl who is just playing dress up and acting the whole time.  When I play in public, they see the person happy to strip down and be beaten but what they don't see is that inside I am cringing at the thought of them seeing me in less. 


I like the corset because it is almost a body armour for me, it is very solid and holds me together (sometimes quite literally it feels) it brings me into that upright posture that conveys confidence and knowing that Al is such a well known person in all the clubs we attend I slap the smiling me on and get on with it because I don't want them to judge him because of my mess.


I know that this is my hangup but at the moment it is getting to me, eating away at the shields I have in place, the ones I have taken all these years to build up.  I guess I just need to work harder on reinforcing them, so that they stop leaking.  I keep saying to myself that if I act confident and like I actually like myself then one day it will not be an act anymore and I actually will be that person, but at the moment the act is just that!