Almost a Year

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since mum died and it seems so very wyrd that it has been that long.  Time is a funny thing though, it seems so long since it happens and also such a short time.  I still can't think about it all too hard becuase I do find myself tearing up at the thought of how much I miss mum. 

Sometimes I am okay and life seems good...

Other times I feel like I am lost and alone in a very scary place with no way out...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.  I don't feel like I know where my life is going when I am feeling like this.

Luckily I don't have as many bad days now as I have in the past, but when I do have them it is so damn hard to even act vaguely normal.  It doesn't help at the moment that my back keeps playing up and the pain is getting to me.  The painkillers help but only so much, I have taken them for so long now that the codeine is only slightly effective, it takes the edge off it and stops it being screaming agony but everytime I move it is sharp pains across my back.  But I just have to deal with it I guess.