23rd August 2009

I feel so lost at the moment, not sure what is the matter...

I keep finding myself breaking down into tears or sitting there just staring into space. Most of the time I can put the happy face on and get on with life as normal but I have these 'moments' and I just break down. There is nothing that is a common denominator about them. Have had it happen while cooking tea, out walking.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I must admit that the other day I was sat there and I felt like cutting myself. I know that it is wrong and I didn't but the urge was so very very strong. It was the one release that I had other than drink which I now barely do cos that tends to just get me in trouble and is much harder to stop, or at least it was when I fell in the bottle all those years ago.

When these moments happen it hurts so much, I want to just curl up and die. The only thing that I want is the one thing that I can never have again. I know that her not being here is a huge part of this but it is not the only part. Everything is so different and as much as I love my friends if I can't explain it to me then how the hell can I explain it to them.

There is no-one I can reach out to when this happens, yes there are friends I could call but if they came round the happy smiley face would go back on, I can't cry in front of people, I just can't... I could ask Al to beat me until I break but he's barely talking to me and won't touch me outside a public party so that is out the question.

Bugger it all.... I will just carry on and break down bit by bit no bugger will notice and probably won't care either.