Tough Day

Well today was both harder and easier than I thought it would be.

I knew that seeing him would be hard after a whole year of nothing and I will admit that I was very nervous about it.  I know how my brain is and having sent the e-mail last month and getting nothing back I didn't know how he was going to react when I saw him...

So yesterday I was nervous but I was able to control it mostly, I went to work and got on with it.  After a hellish week I went to the pub at lunch and whilst I managed to avoid ordering a large drink I did succumb to a fried chicken burger and it was delicious.... however after that the nerves got the better of me I just couldn't eat anything else. 

I know that Ste was worried about it as he knows all the issues I have had in the past with not eating etc....  But after mucho stubborness he relented and I think realised what the reason was so he let me get away with not eating for the evening.  However the nerves were still there this morning so when he suggested that we had a McDonalds breakfast I could only face a bagel and we had a discussion about it as he wanted me to have a Big Breakfast due to not eating the night before, but there was no way that I could face eating that much.  So sent him with instructions to get a bagel, and he came back with 2 of them....

I ate one and 12 hrs later the other one is still on the table next to me, I know it is a waste of food and money but I only asked for one, he went and bought 2 of his own violition.  I think that he forgets I am not like him and that even if it is in front of me I can ignore food if I do not want it...

So by the time we got to the pub at 2.30 I had still only had the bagel but my guts were churning as I didn't know what to expect from him when I walked in.    But after ordering food and drinks I said hi and hugs were given then I kind of retreated and stood with Ste while he ate and we spoke to MG and some of the others...

After about an hour I was able to gather up enough of myself and go talk to him, and it was nice, I found that I can't stay mad at him when he is in front of me, I can't seem to keep the level of emotion I feel when I am sat here at home.  He said that he has written me a letter that he meant to bring with him but forgot to pack it, apparently it is on the table in front of the fridge....