Double Damn

Okay, something I wasn't able to put down last night as it was just too damn painful.... I am once again a single girl. It was my own choice, I called it quits. I just wasn't able to cope with everything that was going on with Al and Jo as well as falling into the nice deep pit of depression I seem to be headed for...

God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.

But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.

Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.

Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.