*ponders*

Okay been very introspective recently and been going over the various people that are influencing me and my life at the moment, damn if it's not confusing....

Mum
This is obviously the biggie at the moment, 6 months down the line losing her is still the hardest damn thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still a big gaping hole that hasn't healed and I am pretty sure that it never will, and the it will just get less painful as time goes on.

Dad
He is still so fragile, think he is worse than me and I feel so helpless to help him, all I can do it be there for him.

Sprog
Can't believe that her and Char have split up, she is holding up well considering, but if she is anything like me and dad then that is only when she is with people. But we are a stubborn family who just don't show emotion in public/in front of people. The only one who did was mum!!

Kat
My rock, bless her she puts up with sooooo much crap from me, but I can't lie to her or hide anything from her.

Faulkner
I love my him, one of my best friends, puts up with almost as much crap as Kat does. He helps to keep me sane. He is one of the few people who know me well enough to get inside the shields I have in place.

Kat seems to think that I should just get it out the way and sleep with him, she shocked me with that one today while we were sitting up the rope pyramid at the park. She says that we are practically dating, we spend alot of time together, we go out together. But I don't think I could, I have wrecked 2 friendships that way already and I really couldn't face losing him.

Jo
Okay this is a new hole in me, still shiny and fresh, must stop poking it.... I think I may have been falling for her, I know that I care for her still, damn it is hurting to type this and know that she is not mine anymore. Even though I made the choice that doesn't mean that it can't hurt me. Strong, sexy woman that I am still proud to call friend!

I know that it will be hard when I see her next, I only get to hug her and not kiss her, but it was my choice so I need to live with it.

Al
Another shiny new hole that I keep poking even though it hurts. Again I think there were some pretty strong emotions, on my part at least, maybe not love but I had accepted him as my Master and trusted him with all that entails. Going through that last few months of posts it is obvious that I have been having a hard time with it all.

I have to admit that ending it was harder that I thought, still makes me cry to think about leaving him and Jo. I feel like such a chicken for the way I did it too but I could barely type the text out for tears let alone actually say the words without collapsing in a blubbing heap.

The mad thing is that if he was stood in front of me and ordered me onto my knees I would, deep down I think I am still his, it's not filtered through properly yet that I walked away. Maybe it is a deep down hope that they will sort things out and that if I begged enough he would take me back, who knows...

Jay
Not the most complicated thing in my life but a new one. He is now a single man again as it is over with Karrie. I feel so sorry for him but he is coming to Derby before he goes off on his next tour of duty to Canada and we are going to meet up.

It's been ages since I have seen him, and we usually end up kissing, yes even when he was married. What we had for those 6 months was so intense and mind blowing, if it is anything like it used to be we will end up in bed. Maybe that is what I need right now, damn good uncomplicated nooky.... well we will find out....

Okay brain dump over....