Meh

Not sure why but at the moment I have to admit to being a bit down...  I am feeling downright anti-social and just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.. But of course when I feel like this no-one actually does because they know that this is when I forget to eat and the shiny things start to talk to me if I will listen to them.


So far doing okay on that front, I have eaten and the shiny things are just their usual whisper in the back of my head, so I am not worried on that front at the moment.


But I feel different to my normal anti-social self.  This time I don't just want them all to leave me alone, I would love nothing more than to vanish for a few days, but I can't do that too many people would worry so I will carry on sinking into WoW, at least it is an escape from the real world and I can ignore everyone if I want to.


I don't know why this has hit me at the moment.  And why it is seeming to intensify my self loathing as well but it is.  All I can see when I catch a view of myself is this ugly, fat blob that no-one could possibly be interested in.  And there is no-one that seems to understand how I can feel like this, if I say anything to anyone they just try and tell me that I am lovely and pretty and all that bollocks that I know is not true.  I know that they think they are doing the right thing but at the moment everytime they say it, it just clarifies it in my brain that the opposite it true, why else would they need to keep saying these things.


The wyrdest thing is that no-one actually sees past the shields I put up, they see this confident girl who wears pretty clothes to events and has a fab life with a wonderful poly family.  And they see me at events like Nemesis last weekend where I will strip down to my underwear in public for some play and not flinch about doing it.  And of course that shows my confidence etc, or at least that is what they see.


And up to a point it is true, my family are fantastic, I can't imagine not having them in my life anymore.  And a lot of the clothes I have invested in are nice enough, but underneath the smiling and laughing exterior there is this insecure little girl who is just playing dress up and acting the whole time.  When I play in public, they see the person happy to strip down and be beaten but what they don't see is that inside I am cringing at the thought of them seeing me in less. 


I like the corset because it is almost a body armour for me, it is very solid and holds me together (sometimes quite literally it feels) it brings me into that upright posture that conveys confidence and knowing that Al is such a well known person in all the clubs we attend I slap the smiling me on and get on with it because I don't want them to judge him because of my mess.


I know that this is my hangup but at the moment it is getting to me, eating away at the shields I have in place, the ones I have taken all these years to build up.  I guess I just need to work harder on reinforcing them, so that they stop leaking.  I keep saying to myself that if I act confident and like I actually like myself then one day it will not be an act anymore and I actually will be that person, but at the moment the act is just that!

Poetry

I generally use my other blog for poetry but since I didn't write this one and have no idea who the author is I thought I would put on here, for some reason this one is speaking to me at the moment.

Spoilt......

make me dirty
make me nasty
make me taboo
make me dark
make me forbidden
make me a sin
don't give me roses
don't give me bullshit
don't give me lines
don't give me promises
just do me like you mean it
just do me like you need it
just do me like you are addicted
just do me like you can't live without it
just do it right
make me hurt
make me filthy
don't tell me I am pretty
I don't want you adoration
I don't want picket fences
I don't want forever and ever
I want now
I want passion
I want hunger
I want pain
I want primal, nasty, evil
I want dirty, debauched, deviant
with a Capital D
hard
fast... sleazy... slutty
I want to feel Alive, Taken, Used
anything but soft
anything but nice
anything but ordinary

Herbert

Well I passed my CBT yesterday and took Herbert out for his first proper run today.  Damn he is big, heavy and fast....  I think I am in love!!!!

He is gorgeous and once you get past the heavy part he is so nimble.  Going to take a bit of getting used to riding as the balance is different with him having 3 wheels but the ride up to nan and grandads earlier was fab. 

I had forgotten how fast 70mph was on a bike.... and how big a splat a bug makes on your visor at that speed.

It felt so good to be back out on the road, I had forgotten how much freedom it offers and how open you feel when you are on it.

Have also just treated myself on eBay from my redundancy money.

A whole Helios kit for myself.... It has 10 electrodes and a ceramic core instead of the old wax ones.... So I can be electrified for longer!!!

Was a bit unsure about it but decided that when will I ever have the cash to spare again....

Complications

Well life was going well..... but after a fantastic easter weekend I am having to rethink one of the relationships I am a part of.

I spent the weekend with the whole of my poly family and it was a wonderful and fulfilling time for us all, but deep in the dark parts of my mind that I don't let anyone into I have to admit that I felt on the outside of it all for most of the weekend.  Not because I was not included, I was, heck I was the one feeding the troops and they offered help and assistance at every turn.  But I was the only one that was not getting more than the most basic of their needs filled.

A - He got to have the whole family together, be happy playing with S and K and M, bonding with T and F, tormenting P.

M & T - Got to spend quality kinky time together and time with the family, they played with us and on their own, both went away with smiles.

S - Our newest member of the family, she has come out of a bad relationship and needed the support and friendship we can offer.  She was played with and offered a place in this mad house we call a family.

K - Was only with us for a day and night but she enjoyed it, got played with and got to spend her first night with her Master.

P - Annoying as he may be, he got to be played with, the wait on us and to be tormented by us all.  He loved it and went away all sparkly.

F - Got to spend the weekend with the family being accepted and loved, this is his primay need. 

Me - I got a lot out of spending the weekend with the family and I loved being the one to cook for them all.  I got to fulfill the caretaker need I have.  I knew that I would not get a lot of time with A because he was looking after everyone and had S & K to play with and I have F. 

But I other than a quick play with the violet wand, which we all played with as a family, I did not get any one on one time with etiher F or A.  As said I expected the no time with A and it was cute to watch him with S & K, but I got nothing from F.  And it is not just this weekend, he shows no compunction to play with me, ever.  If there are people around he may give me a swat on the butt or pull my hair a bit but if it is just the 2 of us then he sinks into WoW and I get ignored. 

He knows that I want sex, it has been a year now and it is starting to get to me.  He says that he has to find the horny but makes no effort I can see.

I honestly don't know if I can go on with this.  We are not a couple in the sense I need, we are friends that live together and share a bed, that is all.  I cuddle and kiss most of my friends, I even tell them I love them because I do.  But I give so much to this relationship, have opened myself to him and I get nothing back other than a friend to clean up after who helps with a few of the bills.

I am going to meet Kitten at lunch, I think I need another perspective on this.  I don't know if I am thinking straight or not, I feel on the edge of tears all the damn time today, I hate feeling like this, but I need to get it all straight in my head before I say anything.

Maybe I need to send him home for a few days to give myself some room to think properly.

Almost a Year

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since mum died and it seems so very wyrd that it has been that long.  Time is a funny thing though, it seems so long since it happens and also such a short time.  I still can't think about it all too hard becuase I do find myself tearing up at the thought of how much I miss mum. 

Sometimes I am okay and life seems good...

Other times I feel like I am lost and alone in a very scary place with no way out...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.  I don't feel like I know where my life is going when I am feeling like this.

Luckily I don't have as many bad days now as I have in the past, but when I do have them it is so damn hard to even act vaguely normal.  It doesn't help at the moment that my back keeps playing up and the pain is getting to me.  The painkillers help but only so much, I have taken them for so long now that the codeine is only slightly effective, it takes the edge off it and stops it being screaming agony but everytime I move it is sharp pains across my back.  But I just have to deal with it I guess.

Report - 14/03/10

Date and Time: Sunday 14/03/2010 – 16:00

Played with: Alan

Report to: Alan

Clothing: Suspender Belt, Stockings, Knickers

Toys used: Crops, Carriage Whip, Kando Sticks, Acrylic Cane, Paddle with the metal core, Red and Black Cane

Arrangements: Arranged with Alan a week beforehand in person

Details of Play: Arrived at 1600 as arranged but due to The Attic the previous night things were running late so we took Tracey back to her train, dropped Mothers Day cards off and sorted out postings for The Attic on Fet and Kinktopia. We then had some pudding before starting to play since it was 19:30 by that point.

Told to take off all clothes apart from knickers, you seemed to get a nice surprise that I had remembered the stockings, and to kneel in front of the poufe (cushions provided for knees).

You then started to warm me up with the Kando sticks on both my back and front, lovely feeling though it was very odd when used over the nipples, between a tickle and a pain, kept trying to get away from it. You grabbed my nipple and pulled at it and asked me what it was, when I replied that it was my nipple you pulled a bit more and asked again and I told you that it was your nipple.

You then grabbed my ponytail and used it to hold me up while you used one of the crops and the carriage whip on my back and when you moved round to the front you put your arm around my neck to hold me in place. You were then running your hands over my back and neck and used your grip to push me forwards over the poufe.

You then used the carriage whip on my back, thighs and butt, followed by various crops (I honestly can’t tell you which order you used them in). The crops definitely stung more after the carriage whip had been used. Then you changed back to the kando sticks followed by the acrylic cane.

You then got a phone call from John at Nemesis and multi tasked, he agreed to call back and you had me move to kneel on the poufe instead of in front of it. You then started to use the carriage whip on me again but you managed to knock over the water I had been drinking. You moved the glass and then dipped the tip of the whip in the spilt water and used it on me, that definitely stung more and I think I must have meeped because you then spread some of the water on my shoulders and used the whip on that area and that did sting. You then decided that the floor was too slippery and got some tea towels to mop it up with.

While you were mopping up the water I was allowed to relax and since the crops and whip had bought tears to my eyes I took that time to wipe them away.

Then you swapped to the paddle with the metal core and that was nice and thuddy and you said how you liked it because it had the metal core and was nice and thuddy to use. Things were definitely a lot more tender by this point and I was starting to meep a bit, too long without a beating I think.... I think one of the strokes caught me really well on the tender bit of the thigh and I almost called you something but managed to stop myself so I get 2 swats on the butt for that and had to thank you for them, when I didn’t with the first one you re-administered said swat.

You got me to bend over onto the sofa and then swapped back to the crop Kirsty likes and I meeped at that one so you asked me which I preferred and I chose the paddle and got to choose where you used it, I got a swat on the left butt cheek and the right shoulder.

You then asked if I wanted 2 or 3 strokes, I choose 3 (I think that if I had chosen 2 then it would have seemed liked wussing out in my head) and I didn’t know that you had swapped to the red and black handled cane. You gave me the 3 strokes and they really brought me up with the pain but I managed to go back down each time and you allowed me the time to do this and I was able to count them out to you. This really did start the tears flowing and I think it was these that made it the point of no return for me.

You then had me kneel back upright and you stood behind me and used the crop on my nipples and I kept trying to hunch forward to stop you and then bring myself back upright. You grabbed hold of the ponytail to try and control me more. You then switched to the kando sticks and I did the same dance with those except I started trying to bring my hands up as well and it took all my will power to move them back down to my sides and let you carry on.

At this point you switched from holding me by the hair as that was not working to putting your arm around my throat. When the escape attempts got really bad you then swapped to pinching and pulling at my nipples and at one point you had to tell me to keep my hands down and I pretty much had to sit on them to stop myself trying to cover myself.

Sometime in this part of the play I actually started to cry properly and you wrapped me in the blanket and just held me while helping me to calm down. When I had calmed down enough to speak you got me some more water and gave me some Haribo as I had started to shake slightly.

Marks: Kisses from the carriage whip over back and down to the thighs; 3 cane marks on the back of the thighs; light bruising on the outer right thigh. The cane marks on the right side are tender to the touch but the one on the left side is much more bruised and is extremely tender to touch and will get me doing the ‘fuck dance’ if you poke it, which Steve has done several times as it amuses him....

Liked: Really liked the kando sticks and as much as the cane strokes hurt like a b**** they really helped to push me.

Disliked: The evil stingy carriage whip... Overall it was nice but I definitely prefer the thuddy toys.

Other Comments: I have to admit that I was a bit shocked at the tears, I really hadn’t expected that to happen. There are very few people I trust enough to cry in front of (I can count them on one hand) it made me feel very vulnerable when I did cry.

Currently Untitled

I blinked as I came round, the lights in the room were bright enough to hurt my eyes. Once I had adjusted to the lights I started to look around me trying to piece together what had happened for me to end up here.

I could feel the stiff leather of the restraints that were holding me down, the antiseptic smell of the medical bay seeping into my nostrils until it was all I could smell. Whatever it was they had used to knock me out had definitely done it’s job well, even the small movements the restraints allowed seemed like hard work and as I moved my head around to try and take in as much of the bay as I could, I could feel the dizziness threatening to drag me back under.

After a few minutes I found that I could move my arms and legs maybe an inch in any direction before the leather tugged tight and started to dig into my flesh. And I could see directly in front of me and most of the sides of the bay, the neck restraint was too tight to move to look behind me.

I took a few deep breathes and tried to calm myself down, there was nothing I could do until someone came to see me and tell me more about why I was here.

---

She looked to vulnerable lying on the bed in just the thin gown she had been changed into upon arrival at the unit. But of course that was all part of the treatment, these girls needed to learn there place and it happened from the moment they were brought through the doors.

‘So what has this one been brought in for then?’ I asked the attendant monitoring her.

‘Her father contacted us a few weeks ago. She was being wilful and refusing to follow his instruction. He couldn’t get her under control, apparently her mother was the same until after her short stay with us, so he has asked that we also help with his daughter.’ He answered as he looked at her notes on the computer. ‘I think you may have fun with her, he says that she refuses all “girlie” clothing and will only wear trousers and t-shirts’

‘You know me to well Russell.’ I said, a grin slowly spreading across my face, I loved breaking down girls like this.

‘Do you have a plan in mind or are we going to play it by ear Sir?

‘I think I will start with a standard deprivation and then see what her reactions are like to her new clothing selections’ I replied, all the while pondering what I could do to bring this wilful creature back into line. ‘Can you go and take her measurements so that we can arrange a …… suitable wardrobe for her’

---

I heard a door open behind me and then soft foot steps made their way over to beside my bed.

‘Hello Miss Greenwood, I’m your attendant for the day, I just need to take a few measurements to ensure your stay here is as pleasant as we can make it.’

‘Why am I here?’ I asked him, ‘What are you going to do to me? How long do you expect me to put up with this treatment?’

I got no answer from him, he just started fiddling with the controls on the console over by the far wall and I felt the bed tilting into an upright position.

He walked back over to me, carrying a tape measure, pen and clipboard from the console as he came.

‘Why won’t you answer me?’ I almost screamed at him. I wasn’t used to being ignored like this, ‘I am a human being not a bloody lab rat, speak to me, I demand some answers!’

Still nothing, he started to take some measurements, steadfastly ignoring my questions. So I decided to try a slightly different tact to get his attention. I started moving the part of me he was trying to measure, if he was going to ignore me then I was sure as hell not going to make it easy for him to do so, sure I couldn’t move much but it was enough to get an exasperated sigh from him and he stopped measuring me.

A small grin of triumph started as he walked away from the bed, only to quickly vanish when I saw him produce a syringe and start back my way.

‘Miss Greenwood! Are you going to stop moving and co-operate with me or am I going to have to give you something to help me do my job?’

He stood there so calmly holding the needle over my arm, ready to get me with it if I didn’t do what he asked. And as much as the needles scared the hell out of me, the idea that I could lie there and let this man take my measurements and not answer my questions just burned against every single part of me. So I did the only thing I could think of, I started to scream.

---

I watched as Russell finally got the girl to quiet down, it took quite a bit of sedative but eventually she lay still and stopped screaming.

He carried on taking her measurements, checking her breathing and pulse at intervals, and when he was finished he moved the bed back to it’s original position and came back into the control room.

‘Here you go Sir’ he said, handing me the clipboard with all her details on it.

I cast my eyes over the numbers written on the sheet, going over the items we had in stock that I could use on this girl.

‘She’s a feisty little on isn’t she’ I said to him as I was looking over things, ‘I can see why she was brought in. Can you imagine the havoc she would reek if we let her stay with the normal populace like this.’

‘She’s definitely going to be a challenge. Do you need any further help sorting your equipment out for her, or shall I come back at the change of watch to help you move her?’

’I think I can handle it, can you make sure that all the kit is moved into room 5 for me and I will meet you back here at the change of watch.’ I replied.

Russell nodded and left me to my own devices.

---