Feelings

It feels childish when I say it out loud but it does not feel childish in here *points to chest* It feels like I am starving to death in the midst of a feast. But it is a feast that I share with many. No-one watches me 'that' way. There is always someone else more beautiful, more desireable, just more....

Just once I would like someone to look at me like that and actually mean it, act on it, not just think it!

New Job

Well I have just finished my 4th day at the new job and all I can say is that it is soooooo borin I am ready to stab people.  I don't care that they are paying me £100 a day it is so not worth it.

All I do it stare at a list, take the next task and assign it to myself.  Check on the system if it is licenses, ask any questions from the user, order or refer the job..... rinse and repeat.... *head ... desk ... head ... desk* The people are nice enough, the place is nice enough, the canteen is fab but the actual job.... bleh....

And with it taking 45 mins each way to get there I have a lot of time to wonder what the hell I got myself into....

Meh

Not sure why but at the moment I have to admit to being a bit down...  I am feeling downright anti-social and just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.. But of course when I feel like this no-one actually does because they know that this is when I forget to eat and the shiny things start to talk to me if I will listen to them.


So far doing okay on that front, I have eaten and the shiny things are just their usual whisper in the back of my head, so I am not worried on that front at the moment.


But I feel different to my normal anti-social self.  This time I don't just want them all to leave me alone, I would love nothing more than to vanish for a few days, but I can't do that too many people would worry so I will carry on sinking into WoW, at least it is an escape from the real world and I can ignore everyone if I want to.


I don't know why this has hit me at the moment.  And why it is seeming to intensify my self loathing as well but it is.  All I can see when I catch a view of myself is this ugly, fat blob that no-one could possibly be interested in.  And there is no-one that seems to understand how I can feel like this, if I say anything to anyone they just try and tell me that I am lovely and pretty and all that bollocks that I know is not true.  I know that they think they are doing the right thing but at the moment everytime they say it, it just clarifies it in my brain that the opposite it true, why else would they need to keep saying these things.


The wyrdest thing is that no-one actually sees past the shields I put up, they see this confident girl who wears pretty clothes to events and has a fab life with a wonderful poly family.  And they see me at events like Nemesis last weekend where I will strip down to my underwear in public for some play and not flinch about doing it.  And of course that shows my confidence etc, or at least that is what they see.


And up to a point it is true, my family are fantastic, I can't imagine not having them in my life anymore.  And a lot of the clothes I have invested in are nice enough, but underneath the smiling and laughing exterior there is this insecure little girl who is just playing dress up and acting the whole time.  When I play in public, they see the person happy to strip down and be beaten but what they don't see is that inside I am cringing at the thought of them seeing me in less. 


I like the corset because it is almost a body armour for me, it is very solid and holds me together (sometimes quite literally it feels) it brings me into that upright posture that conveys confidence and knowing that Al is such a well known person in all the clubs we attend I slap the smiling me on and get on with it because I don't want them to judge him because of my mess.


I know that this is my hangup but at the moment it is getting to me, eating away at the shields I have in place, the ones I have taken all these years to build up.  I guess I just need to work harder on reinforcing them, so that they stop leaking.  I keep saying to myself that if I act confident and like I actually like myself then one day it will not be an act anymore and I actually will be that person, but at the moment the act is just that!

Poetry

I generally use my other blog for poetry but since I didn't write this one and have no idea who the author is I thought I would put on here, for some reason this one is speaking to me at the moment.

Spoilt......

make me dirty
make me nasty
make me taboo
make me dark
make me forbidden
make me a sin
don't give me roses
don't give me bullshit
don't give me lines
don't give me promises
just do me like you mean it
just do me like you need it
just do me like you are addicted
just do me like you can't live without it
just do it right
make me hurt
make me filthy
don't tell me I am pretty
I don't want you adoration
I don't want picket fences
I don't want forever and ever
I want now
I want passion
I want hunger
I want pain
I want primal, nasty, evil
I want dirty, debauched, deviant
with a Capital D
hard
fast... sleazy... slutty
I want to feel Alive, Taken, Used
anything but soft
anything but nice
anything but ordinary

Herbert

Well I passed my CBT yesterday and took Herbert out for his first proper run today.  Damn he is big, heavy and fast....  I think I am in love!!!!

He is gorgeous and once you get past the heavy part he is so nimble.  Going to take a bit of getting used to riding as the balance is different with him having 3 wheels but the ride up to nan and grandads earlier was fab. 

I had forgotten how fast 70mph was on a bike.... and how big a splat a bug makes on your visor at that speed.

It felt so good to be back out on the road, I had forgotten how much freedom it offers and how open you feel when you are on it.

Have also just treated myself on eBay from my redundancy money.

A whole Helios kit for myself.... It has 10 electrodes and a ceramic core instead of the old wax ones.... So I can be electrified for longer!!!

Was a bit unsure about it but decided that when will I ever have the cash to spare again....

Complications

Well life was going well..... but after a fantastic easter weekend I am having to rethink one of the relationships I am a part of.

I spent the weekend with the whole of my poly family and it was a wonderful and fulfilling time for us all, but deep in the dark parts of my mind that I don't let anyone into I have to admit that I felt on the outside of it all for most of the weekend.  Not because I was not included, I was, heck I was the one feeding the troops and they offered help and assistance at every turn.  But I was the only one that was not getting more than the most basic of their needs filled.

A - He got to have the whole family together, be happy playing with S and K and M, bonding with T and F, tormenting P.

M & T - Got to spend quality kinky time together and time with the family, they played with us and on their own, both went away with smiles.

S - Our newest member of the family, she has come out of a bad relationship and needed the support and friendship we can offer.  She was played with and offered a place in this mad house we call a family.

K - Was only with us for a day and night but she enjoyed it, got played with and got to spend her first night with her Master.

P - Annoying as he may be, he got to be played with, the wait on us and to be tormented by us all.  He loved it and went away all sparkly.

F - Got to spend the weekend with the family being accepted and loved, this is his primay need. 

Me - I got a lot out of spending the weekend with the family and I loved being the one to cook for them all.  I got to fulfill the caretaker need I have.  I knew that I would not get a lot of time with A because he was looking after everyone and had S & K to play with and I have F. 

But I other than a quick play with the violet wand, which we all played with as a family, I did not get any one on one time with etiher F or A.  As said I expected the no time with A and it was cute to watch him with S & K, but I got nothing from F.  And it is not just this weekend, he shows no compunction to play with me, ever.  If there are people around he may give me a swat on the butt or pull my hair a bit but if it is just the 2 of us then he sinks into WoW and I get ignored. 

He knows that I want sex, it has been a year now and it is starting to get to me.  He says that he has to find the horny but makes no effort I can see.

I honestly don't know if I can go on with this.  We are not a couple in the sense I need, we are friends that live together and share a bed, that is all.  I cuddle and kiss most of my friends, I even tell them I love them because I do.  But I give so much to this relationship, have opened myself to him and I get nothing back other than a friend to clean up after who helps with a few of the bills.

I am going to meet Kitten at lunch, I think I need another perspective on this.  I don't know if I am thinking straight or not, I feel on the edge of tears all the damn time today, I hate feeling like this, but I need to get it all straight in my head before I say anything.

Maybe I need to send him home for a few days to give myself some room to think properly.

Almost a Year

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since mum died and it seems so very wyrd that it has been that long.  Time is a funny thing though, it seems so long since it happens and also such a short time.  I still can't think about it all too hard becuase I do find myself tearing up at the thought of how much I miss mum. 

Sometimes I am okay and life seems good...

Other times I feel like I am lost and alone in a very scary place with no way out...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.  I don't feel like I know where my life is going when I am feeling like this.

Luckily I don't have as many bad days now as I have in the past, but when I do have them it is so damn hard to even act vaguely normal.  It doesn't help at the moment that my back keeps playing up and the pain is getting to me.  The painkillers help but only so much, I have taken them for so long now that the codeine is only slightly effective, it takes the edge off it and stops it being screaming agony but everytime I move it is sharp pains across my back.  But I just have to deal with it I guess.