Almost a Year

Well tomorrow it will be a whole year since mum died and it seems so very wyrd that it has been that long.  Time is a funny thing though, it seems so long since it happens and also such a short time.  I still can't think about it all too hard becuase I do find myself tearing up at the thought of how much I miss mum. 

Sometimes I am okay and life seems good...

Other times I feel like I am lost and alone in a very scary place with no way out...

I feel so out of control and I hate it.  I don't feel like I know where my life is going when I am feeling like this.

Luckily I don't have as many bad days now as I have in the past, but when I do have them it is so damn hard to even act vaguely normal.  It doesn't help at the moment that my back keeps playing up and the pain is getting to me.  The painkillers help but only so much, I have taken them for so long now that the codeine is only slightly effective, it takes the edge off it and stops it being screaming agony but everytime I move it is sharp pains across my back.  But I just have to deal with it I guess.

Report - 14/03/10

Date and Time: Sunday 14/03/2010 – 16:00

Played with: Alan

Report to: Alan

Clothing: Suspender Belt, Stockings, Knickers

Toys used: Crops, Carriage Whip, Kando Sticks, Acrylic Cane, Paddle with the metal core, Red and Black Cane

Arrangements: Arranged with Alan a week beforehand in person

Details of Play: Arrived at 1600 as arranged but due to The Attic the previous night things were running late so we took Tracey back to her train, dropped Mothers Day cards off and sorted out postings for The Attic on Fet and Kinktopia. We then had some pudding before starting to play since it was 19:30 by that point.

Told to take off all clothes apart from knickers, you seemed to get a nice surprise that I had remembered the stockings, and to kneel in front of the poufe (cushions provided for knees).

You then started to warm me up with the Kando sticks on both my back and front, lovely feeling though it was very odd when used over the nipples, between a tickle and a pain, kept trying to get away from it. You grabbed my nipple and pulled at it and asked me what it was, when I replied that it was my nipple you pulled a bit more and asked again and I told you that it was your nipple.

You then grabbed my ponytail and used it to hold me up while you used one of the crops and the carriage whip on my back and when you moved round to the front you put your arm around my neck to hold me in place. You were then running your hands over my back and neck and used your grip to push me forwards over the poufe.

You then used the carriage whip on my back, thighs and butt, followed by various crops (I honestly can’t tell you which order you used them in). The crops definitely stung more after the carriage whip had been used. Then you changed back to the kando sticks followed by the acrylic cane.

You then got a phone call from John at Nemesis and multi tasked, he agreed to call back and you had me move to kneel on the poufe instead of in front of it. You then started to use the carriage whip on me again but you managed to knock over the water I had been drinking. You moved the glass and then dipped the tip of the whip in the spilt water and used it on me, that definitely stung more and I think I must have meeped because you then spread some of the water on my shoulders and used the whip on that area and that did sting. You then decided that the floor was too slippery and got some tea towels to mop it up with.

While you were mopping up the water I was allowed to relax and since the crops and whip had bought tears to my eyes I took that time to wipe them away.

Then you swapped to the paddle with the metal core and that was nice and thuddy and you said how you liked it because it had the metal core and was nice and thuddy to use. Things were definitely a lot more tender by this point and I was starting to meep a bit, too long without a beating I think.... I think one of the strokes caught me really well on the tender bit of the thigh and I almost called you something but managed to stop myself so I get 2 swats on the butt for that and had to thank you for them, when I didn’t with the first one you re-administered said swat.

You got me to bend over onto the sofa and then swapped back to the crop Kirsty likes and I meeped at that one so you asked me which I preferred and I chose the paddle and got to choose where you used it, I got a swat on the left butt cheek and the right shoulder.

You then asked if I wanted 2 or 3 strokes, I choose 3 (I think that if I had chosen 2 then it would have seemed liked wussing out in my head) and I didn’t know that you had swapped to the red and black handled cane. You gave me the 3 strokes and they really brought me up with the pain but I managed to go back down each time and you allowed me the time to do this and I was able to count them out to you. This really did start the tears flowing and I think it was these that made it the point of no return for me.

You then had me kneel back upright and you stood behind me and used the crop on my nipples and I kept trying to hunch forward to stop you and then bring myself back upright. You grabbed hold of the ponytail to try and control me more. You then switched to the kando sticks and I did the same dance with those except I started trying to bring my hands up as well and it took all my will power to move them back down to my sides and let you carry on.

At this point you switched from holding me by the hair as that was not working to putting your arm around my throat. When the escape attempts got really bad you then swapped to pinching and pulling at my nipples and at one point you had to tell me to keep my hands down and I pretty much had to sit on them to stop myself trying to cover myself.

Sometime in this part of the play I actually started to cry properly and you wrapped me in the blanket and just held me while helping me to calm down. When I had calmed down enough to speak you got me some more water and gave me some Haribo as I had started to shake slightly.

Marks: Kisses from the carriage whip over back and down to the thighs; 3 cane marks on the back of the thighs; light bruising on the outer right thigh. The cane marks on the right side are tender to the touch but the one on the left side is much more bruised and is extremely tender to touch and will get me doing the ‘fuck dance’ if you poke it, which Steve has done several times as it amuses him....

Liked: Really liked the kando sticks and as much as the cane strokes hurt like a b**** they really helped to push me.

Disliked: The evil stingy carriage whip... Overall it was nice but I definitely prefer the thuddy toys.

Other Comments: I have to admit that I was a bit shocked at the tears, I really hadn’t expected that to happen. There are very few people I trust enough to cry in front of (I can count them on one hand) it made me feel very vulnerable when I did cry.

Currently Untitled

I blinked as I came round, the lights in the room were bright enough to hurt my eyes. Once I had adjusted to the lights I started to look around me trying to piece together what had happened for me to end up here.

I could feel the stiff leather of the restraints that were holding me down, the antiseptic smell of the medical bay seeping into my nostrils until it was all I could smell. Whatever it was they had used to knock me out had definitely done it’s job well, even the small movements the restraints allowed seemed like hard work and as I moved my head around to try and take in as much of the bay as I could, I could feel the dizziness threatening to drag me back under.

After a few minutes I found that I could move my arms and legs maybe an inch in any direction before the leather tugged tight and started to dig into my flesh. And I could see directly in front of me and most of the sides of the bay, the neck restraint was too tight to move to look behind me.

I took a few deep breathes and tried to calm myself down, there was nothing I could do until someone came to see me and tell me more about why I was here.

---

She looked to vulnerable lying on the bed in just the thin gown she had been changed into upon arrival at the unit. But of course that was all part of the treatment, these girls needed to learn there place and it happened from the moment they were brought through the doors.

‘So what has this one been brought in for then?’ I asked the attendant monitoring her.

‘Her father contacted us a few weeks ago. She was being wilful and refusing to follow his instruction. He couldn’t get her under control, apparently her mother was the same until after her short stay with us, so he has asked that we also help with his daughter.’ He answered as he looked at her notes on the computer. ‘I think you may have fun with her, he says that she refuses all “girlie” clothing and will only wear trousers and t-shirts’

‘You know me to well Russell.’ I said, a grin slowly spreading across my face, I loved breaking down girls like this.

‘Do you have a plan in mind or are we going to play it by ear Sir?

‘I think I will start with a standard deprivation and then see what her reactions are like to her new clothing selections’ I replied, all the while pondering what I could do to bring this wilful creature back into line. ‘Can you go and take her measurements so that we can arrange a …… suitable wardrobe for her’

---

I heard a door open behind me and then soft foot steps made their way over to beside my bed.

‘Hello Miss Greenwood, I’m your attendant for the day, I just need to take a few measurements to ensure your stay here is as pleasant as we can make it.’

‘Why am I here?’ I asked him, ‘What are you going to do to me? How long do you expect me to put up with this treatment?’

I got no answer from him, he just started fiddling with the controls on the console over by the far wall and I felt the bed tilting into an upright position.

He walked back over to me, carrying a tape measure, pen and clipboard from the console as he came.

‘Why won’t you answer me?’ I almost screamed at him. I wasn’t used to being ignored like this, ‘I am a human being not a bloody lab rat, speak to me, I demand some answers!’

Still nothing, he started to take some measurements, steadfastly ignoring my questions. So I decided to try a slightly different tact to get his attention. I started moving the part of me he was trying to measure, if he was going to ignore me then I was sure as hell not going to make it easy for him to do so, sure I couldn’t move much but it was enough to get an exasperated sigh from him and he stopped measuring me.

A small grin of triumph started as he walked away from the bed, only to quickly vanish when I saw him produce a syringe and start back my way.

‘Miss Greenwood! Are you going to stop moving and co-operate with me or am I going to have to give you something to help me do my job?’

He stood there so calmly holding the needle over my arm, ready to get me with it if I didn’t do what he asked. And as much as the needles scared the hell out of me, the idea that I could lie there and let this man take my measurements and not answer my questions just burned against every single part of me. So I did the only thing I could think of, I started to scream.

---

I watched as Russell finally got the girl to quiet down, it took quite a bit of sedative but eventually she lay still and stopped screaming.

He carried on taking her measurements, checking her breathing and pulse at intervals, and when he was finished he moved the bed back to it’s original position and came back into the control room.

‘Here you go Sir’ he said, handing me the clipboard with all her details on it.

I cast my eyes over the numbers written on the sheet, going over the items we had in stock that I could use on this girl.

‘She’s a feisty little on isn’t she’ I said to him as I was looking over things, ‘I can see why she was brought in. Can you imagine the havoc she would reek if we let her stay with the normal populace like this.’

‘She’s definitely going to be a challenge. Do you need any further help sorting your equipment out for her, or shall I come back at the change of watch to help you move her?’

’I think I can handle it, can you make sure that all the kit is moved into room 5 for me and I will meet you back here at the change of watch.’ I replied.

Russell nodded and left me to my own devices.

---

Thoughts

Well I have had a good day visiting Auntie Linda and the family down in Shipston. I have to admit that I forgot how much fun it is to visit the family. But I also forgot how much energy it takes and hadn't realised just how much it would take out of me. Auntie Linda looks scarily like mum and I admit that it got to me a bit but I knew it would so I can deal with it.

New Toys and Family

Well I have had a busy weekend and my back is making me pay for it today but it was worth it.... Went to Dark Attic on Saturday and had a good time there picking up some new toys and watchin a fab electrickery demo from MrLoc and Star. Then had Sunday dinner with the whole family...

Dark Attic

Well now that me and Al are working things out I have had a bit more of an insight into how the Dark Attic is being run. It has been taken over by some new guys and they seem to be more into the swinging side of things but they attended the party to see what it was like. Not sure what they made of it but it was certainly a good night for them to attend because it was PACKED....

Lazarus the toy-maker was there and we got a few new toys to play with. Kando sticks 9the pair for £5) which can be changed from thuddy to nice warm up toys by moving the bands up and down


Then we got a lovely flogger for £30, it has an oak handle that is really smooth and nice to hold and the little we have used it, it seems really thuddy...

Family Dinner

Well on Sunday we had a poly family dinner and it was great... Me, Ste, Al, Maddie, Trustee and Al's new girl he is considering Kirsty. I was in charge of the cooking, and it has been a while since I had to cook for 6 of us but we had stuffed chicken, roast parsnip and carrots, mash, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and carrots. I worked with Maddie and Trustee in the kitchen and we had it all ready for the same time, so I served up and everyone seemed to enjoy it. I thought the roasties could have done with a bit more time but hey if that is the worst thing that is good.

Kirsty was sooooo nervous bless her... And when she was asked to serve the pudding she had bought she tried to serve Maddie first and blushed from the roots when I told her that she needed to serve the boys first since they were the Doms at the table... And when we were tidying up she kept apologising and saying that she had so much to learn. Me and Maddie assured her that this was the place to make these mistakes.

It felt to nice to have a family day, we were all super relaxed and able to just be ourselves.

BLEH

How to describe how I am feeling at the moment.... apathetic, bored, tired, manic, angry, upset, near tears, ready to kill the next person to ring the damn helpdesk.

I am fluctuating between just about all the emotions that are available to me at the moment and I do not have a clue why. I know that being here and on the helldesk is not helping the mood but usually I can just suck it up and get on with it, I mean it is only until 5pm that I am stuck here.
Been in such a funny mood since the Wednesday before the wedding and no idea why. I know that I was not looking forward to the wedding because generally I hate the damn things, and having to be such a big part of one was just a hellish idea but I knew how much it meant to Kat to have me there for her on the day, hell that is the only reason that I agreed to be Maid of Honour for her. Anyone else and I would have laughed and run away screaming.

I think it is more that for the past few days haven’t felt like I have had control of my life.
Thursday I was collected by Kat at 9am and we went to see Ali and get our eyebrows threaded, which I will admit was lovely, he always makes me laugh and smile, you can’t be depressed with Ali plus the pampering really helps. Then we went to sort out various bits in town and once home I had time to pack my bag, hang the washing out and then go over to her house to finish up bits for the wedding.

Once there I was making the last of the favours for the day, then slaying the kitchen monster whilst making sure she stayed sane as the stress was really getting to her. At 4pmish her dad collected us and we were off to the hotel. Unloading the car, sorting out the rooms, then the family meal at Antibos followed by drinks with the Manx family in the hotel bar. Once Kat started dropping off at 11ish we went to bed and I was asleep so quick as I was knackered.
I was up for 7.30 the next morning and the day until the wedding was a bit of a whirl... breakfast, check reception and loos for placements, make up, sort out stuff, hair, get Kat dressed, get me dressed, wedding.....

The wedding was lovely, seeing Chris’ face when he saw Kat walking down the aisle was enough to make me tear up as I had already seen Kat in the dress many times but he was in awe of her and it was so sweet. The only problem we had was the registrars mobile going off during the ceremony. But that was such a little thing.

Then we had the meal and all that nonsense and the food was lovely, especially the goats cheese and caramelised onion tart *nummy* but even then although it was all over I was still up and down with Kat because the photographers were not getting the shots she wanted so she was crying and needed calming down, then the bustle kept coming down, then Chris stood on it do I had to redo the loop, then the loop at the top of the dress came away from the hook and I had to redo that, then the bustle was coming off still... so I was up and down all night.

Once the evening do started it did slow down a bit since Kat was circulating a bit more but she was still dragging me off every 20mins or so to do something. By 10 I was knackered and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open so I got Faulkner to take me home and once we had everything in the house I was asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Saturday I still felt knackered after 9 hours sleep but I thought that it was just that I had been so stressed with the wedding for so long that it was catching up with me. So when I went back to bed at 11am it didn’t phase me.

Then Nik and Sare arrived with Alicia as Nik had buggered up his PC again. So Faulkner fixed it and we got taken out with Tizer and his kids for Chinese at the Water Margin which was FAB but we didn’t get home til nearly 10 and I was straight to bed again.

Yesterday was taken up with trying to stay awake, I couldn’t even be bothered to do any housework, I just sat and played WoW all day, got from revered to exhalted with Argent Dawn in a single day.... Obsessive much.....

And then today I am just BLEH.... and I don’t know what to do about it all. I think I may have to have a few days on my own soon to try and sort my head out. I know that I am getting edgy with Faulkner too and it is not all his fault but I am getting bloody frustrated.

I know that I have 30 years of living at home to break but he can’t seem to see why I am annoyed at the mess he makes. He jokes about the OCD but it is part of who I am, I need to have a clean flat and it is driving me nuts not to be able to have it as clean as I like it to be. And even if I get it how I want it the second he walks in the door it all goes to pot as he basically just dumps crap everywhere..... It is starting to get to me....

And of course I am starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me as well. Am I really that hideous... Is sex really that repulsive an idea.. I know it has been 9 years but you would think that would mean the bloody opposite. I know he says he loves me but damn it I have needs and it has been nearly a year now and I am getting pissed off... When I am not getting upset that is....

Bugger it all... Gonna go home and ignore all this again... Seems to work well....

What I Desire

There are many things that someone can desire in life; money, lovers, fame. All valid things to want but I am a woman of simple pleasures. What I desire the most is a family, not the traditional husband, wife 2.5 kids version, no a family of my choosing. A group of people that I love and care for and who love and care for me.

I can’t imagine that I will end up with a traditional family setup, it just isn’t what I want. I have had a taste of what I desire and it only made me want it more. I want to have the sort of home where you walk in and it just feels cosy and warm. And to be able to share it with 2 or 3 Significant Others (SO’s) and possibly their SO’s too, a big happy family who share each others lives. I know that it wouldn’t always be easy and that these things take work, commitment and communication but I think that to get what I want then these are good things to have to work on. Plus you can’t know that you are contented and happy unless you have had to work for it.

I want to come home from work to our home, maybe the house is empty, maybe it’s not. To be able to go and get changed out of my work wear and pop into the kitchen to start preparing the meal for the evening. Chatting to my SO’s while I do so, from anything as mundane as how work was to our plans for the next Fet event we are attending. All the while the kettle has been boiling away so that when each person gets home there is a cup of tea/coffee available when they walk through the door to go with the welcome home kiss and cuddle.

To be able to mooch together in the living room while the food is cooking, listening to music or watching something while chatting still, just relaxing or going about our individual pastimes. Then to be able to serve up dinner and either all sit in the dining room and eat together or have a relaxed evening and eat off our knees in the living room with a good movie on to watch and then snuggle up afterwards to finish watching.

I know that this would be an idealised evening, life does tend to get in the way of these things, we all have families and friends to see, socialising to do, housework, homework and in the case of World of Warcraft addicts such as myself there is gaming to be done... But this is what a family does.

Then as the evening drifts on and we are all ready for bed we would all start getting ready for bed and then either go to our individual rooms or go and make a lovely warm and comfy human pile in the main bedroom. We could just sleep or we could have lots of naughty fun together but both are good in their own way.

It could even be that someone sleeps in their own room because they are too tired, ill, grumpy, needing their own space. Or it could be that I get in from being out with friends etc and I can crawl into bed with them and cuddle up to them, or have them come in from the same and crawl into bed with me so I can cuddle up to them.

I want to be able to go out as a family, to go shopping for ‘stuff’, to go on holiday, to go to Fet events and have fun together at them. To be able to share all the experiences with my SO’s and build on them over time. And all the time we are out in the vanilla world I want to know that under the ‘normal’ exterior we project (maybe not to well cos shocking the ‘nilla’s is just too much fun) that I am wearing the marks/symbols showing that I belong to them totally. To have a collar or special jewellery on that has been picked out by them for me to wear to show my submission to them, and to wear the marks that they have inflicted on my body while showing their dominance of me, be it for a reason or because we were having fun playing and the bruises are just there for me to stroke, admire and poke as a reminder of that.

Most of all I want to feel loved and cherised for being the strong, mushy, girlie, wyrd person that I am and to be accepted without question. To know that even if my choices are questioned to start with that when a course of action has been decided on that my SO’s will back me up 100%. And if it crashes and burns that they will be there for me to lean on and they will help me get back on my feet.

Does that all sound like too much for a girl to hope to have, am I just day dreaming. Oh well if I am at least it is a wonderful day dream......