Hmmmm, all this time off is giving me too damn much time to think, allsorts of things are running through my head.
Been keeping myself busy though..... today I have sorted out the bookcase in the living room and I am the proud owner of 230 catlogued books.... only took 3 hours....
Last night went for a walk with Faulkner and we went up to the park in ockbrook and sat up the rope pyramid again. I managed to find a nice new comfy position to lie in. I have to admit that it was a lovely evening, a nice long walk and then we chilled out with some food and general natter....
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Sunday, 27 September 2009
*ponders*
Okay been very introspective recently and been going over the various people that are influencing me and my life at the moment, damn if it's not confusing....
Mum
This is obviously the biggie at the moment, 6 months down the line losing her is still the hardest damn thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still a big gaping hole that hasn't healed and I am pretty sure that it never will, and the it will just get less painful as time goes on.
Dad
He is still so fragile, think he is worse than me and I feel so helpless to help him, all I can do it be there for him.
Sprog
Can't believe that her and Char have split up, she is holding up well considering, but if she is anything like me and dad then that is only when she is with people. But we are a stubborn family who just don't show emotion in public/in front of people. The only one who did was mum!!
Kat
My rock, bless her she puts up with sooooo much crap from me, but I can't lie to her or hide anything from her.
Faulkner
I love my him, one of my best friends, puts up with almost as much crap as Kat does. He helps to keep me sane. He is one of the few people who know me well enough to get inside the shields I have in place.
Kat seems to think that I should just get it out the way and sleep with him, she shocked me with that one today while we were sitting up the rope pyramid at the park. She says that we are practically dating, we spend alot of time together, we go out together. But I don't think I could, I have wrecked 2 friendships that way already and I really couldn't face losing him.
Jo
Okay this is a new hole in me, still shiny and fresh, must stop poking it.... I think I may have been falling for her, I know that I care for her still, damn it is hurting to type this and know that she is not mine anymore. Even though I made the choice that doesn't mean that it can't hurt me. Strong, sexy woman that I am still proud to call friend!
I know that it will be hard when I see her next, I only get to hug her and not kiss her, but it was my choice so I need to live with it.
Al
Another shiny new hole that I keep poking even though it hurts. Again I think there were some pretty strong emotions, on my part at least, maybe not love but I had accepted him as my Master and trusted him with all that entails. Going through that last few months of posts it is obvious that I have been having a hard time with it all.
I have to admit that ending it was harder that I thought, still makes me cry to think about leaving him and Jo. I feel like such a chicken for the way I did it too but I could barely type the text out for tears let alone actually say the words without collapsing in a blubbing heap.
The mad thing is that if he was stood in front of me and ordered me onto my knees I would, deep down I think I am still his, it's not filtered through properly yet that I walked away. Maybe it is a deep down hope that they will sort things out and that if I begged enough he would take me back, who knows...
Jay
Not the most complicated thing in my life but a new one. He is now a single man again as it is over with Karrie. I feel so sorry for him but he is coming to Derby before he goes off on his next tour of duty to Canada and we are going to meet up.
It's been ages since I have seen him, and we usually end up kissing, yes even when he was married. What we had for those 6 months was so intense and mind blowing, if it is anything like it used to be we will end up in bed. Maybe that is what I need right now, damn good uncomplicated nooky.... well we will find out....
Okay brain dump over....
Mum
This is obviously the biggie at the moment, 6 months down the line losing her is still the hardest damn thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still a big gaping hole that hasn't healed and I am pretty sure that it never will, and the it will just get less painful as time goes on.
Dad
He is still so fragile, think he is worse than me and I feel so helpless to help him, all I can do it be there for him.
Sprog
Can't believe that her and Char have split up, she is holding up well considering, but if she is anything like me and dad then that is only when she is with people. But we are a stubborn family who just don't show emotion in public/in front of people. The only one who did was mum!!
Kat
My rock, bless her she puts up with sooooo much crap from me, but I can't lie to her or hide anything from her.
Faulkner
I love my him, one of my best friends, puts up with almost as much crap as Kat does. He helps to keep me sane. He is one of the few people who know me well enough to get inside the shields I have in place.
Kat seems to think that I should just get it out the way and sleep with him, she shocked me with that one today while we were sitting up the rope pyramid at the park. She says that we are practically dating, we spend alot of time together, we go out together. But I don't think I could, I have wrecked 2 friendships that way already and I really couldn't face losing him.
Jo
Okay this is a new hole in me, still shiny and fresh, must stop poking it.... I think I may have been falling for her, I know that I care for her still, damn it is hurting to type this and know that she is not mine anymore. Even though I made the choice that doesn't mean that it can't hurt me. Strong, sexy woman that I am still proud to call friend!
I know that it will be hard when I see her next, I only get to hug her and not kiss her, but it was my choice so I need to live with it.
Al
Another shiny new hole that I keep poking even though it hurts. Again I think there were some pretty strong emotions, on my part at least, maybe not love but I had accepted him as my Master and trusted him with all that entails. Going through that last few months of posts it is obvious that I have been having a hard time with it all.
I have to admit that ending it was harder that I thought, still makes me cry to think about leaving him and Jo. I feel like such a chicken for the way I did it too but I could barely type the text out for tears let alone actually say the words without collapsing in a blubbing heap.
The mad thing is that if he was stood in front of me and ordered me onto my knees I would, deep down I think I am still his, it's not filtered through properly yet that I walked away. Maybe it is a deep down hope that they will sort things out and that if I begged enough he would take me back, who knows...
Jay
Not the most complicated thing in my life but a new one. He is now a single man again as it is over with Karrie. I feel so sorry for him but he is coming to Derby before he goes off on his next tour of duty to Canada and we are going to meet up.
It's been ages since I have seen him, and we usually end up kissing, yes even when he was married. What we had for those 6 months was so intense and mind blowing, if it is anything like it used to be we will end up in bed. Maybe that is what I need right now, damn good uncomplicated nooky.... well we will find out....
Okay brain dump over....
Submissives Creed
I am a submissive woman…
I find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship
I am not weak, or stupid.
I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy.
His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?
If He says I am His princess, then I am that… regal and graceful.
And if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?
If He says I am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then I am that… as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
I have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided I need, and so I learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when His belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.
My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.
Author Unknown
I find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship
I am not weak, or stupid.
I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy.
His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?
If He says I am His princess, then I am that… regal and graceful.
And if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?
If He says I am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then I am that… as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
I have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided I need, and so I learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when His belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.
My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.
Author Unknown
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Tarot Reading No 2
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Card 1 : Present : 4 of Wands
Stability after hard work, a sense of contentment with oneself
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth in a relationship
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Knight of Wands
Change of residence, long journey to be taken
Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial stability
Card 5 : Past Issues : 10 of Swords
Feeling of loss due to the ending of a difficult situation
Card 6 : Immediate Future : 9 of Cups
The achievement of an important desire
Card 7 : Fears : The Devil
A passionate and compelling relationship but not a healthy one
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : Knight of Cups
Offers being bought to you that will be accompanied by a high level of excitement
Card 9 : Hopes : The World
Accomplishment of a goal that has been steadily worked towards
Card 10 : Outcome : Page of Wands
Good news coming in
Additional Readers Fan
Card 11 : Justice
Using the intellectual mind rather than the emotional one
Card 12 : 2 of Wands
Focus on future plans and put in the required energy
Card 13 : 9 of Wands
Perseverence is the key, do not stop now
Card 14 : 8 of Swords
Look at the situation differently, the answer is available
Card 1 : Present : 4 of Wands
Stability after hard work, a sense of contentment with oneself
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth in a relationship
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Knight of Wands
Change of residence, long journey to be taken
Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial stability
Card 5 : Past Issues : 10 of Swords
Feeling of loss due to the ending of a difficult situation
Card 6 : Immediate Future : 9 of Cups
The achievement of an important desire
Card 7 : Fears : The Devil
A passionate and compelling relationship but not a healthy one
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : Knight of Cups
Offers being bought to you that will be accompanied by a high level of excitement
Card 9 : Hopes : The World
Accomplishment of a goal that has been steadily worked towards
Card 10 : Outcome : Page of Wands
Good news coming in
Additional Readers Fan
Card 11 : Justice
Using the intellectual mind rather than the emotional one
Card 12 : 2 of Wands
Focus on future plans and put in the required energy
Card 13 : 9 of Wands
Perseverence is the key, do not stop now
Card 14 : 8 of Swords
Look at the situation differently, the answer is available
Monday, 21 September 2009
Tarot Reading
Okay after the events of yesterday decided to do a reading :
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Question Asked : Did I make the right choice with Al and Jo?
Card 1 : Present : Knight of Wands
Can represent a change of residence or long journey
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth or change in a relationship, reconciliation
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Temperance
Patience, moderation, balanced emotions
Card 4 : Immediate Past : Judgement
New beginnings
Card 5 : Past Issues : 5 of Cups
Disappointment, betrayal, loss of a relationship
Card 6 : Immediate Future : Hierophant
Finding a mentor, need to find the deeper meaning to life
Card 7 : Fears : 7 of Cups
Too many choices, need to be practical and methodical in making a choice
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 7 of Swords
A situation not going as planned
Card 9 : Hopes : Queen of Swords
Has known suffering and loss, inner strength
Card 10 : Outcome : Empress
Growth, prosperity, happy conculsions
Card 11 : 3 of Swords
Seperation, family upheaval, hope for the future
Card 12 : Lovers
Realationship issues
Card 13 : 3 of Wands
Positive pattern of progression. Need to keep planning to keep moving
Card 14 : Queen of Pentacles
Not afraid of hard work.
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Question Asked : Did I make the right choice with Al and Jo?
Card 1 : Present : Knight of Wands
Can represent a change of residence or long journey
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth or change in a relationship, reconciliation
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Temperance
Patience, moderation, balanced emotions
Card 4 : Immediate Past : Judgement
New beginnings
Card 5 : Past Issues : 5 of Cups
Disappointment, betrayal, loss of a relationship
Card 6 : Immediate Future : Hierophant
Finding a mentor, need to find the deeper meaning to life
Card 7 : Fears : 7 of Cups
Too many choices, need to be practical and methodical in making a choice
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 7 of Swords
A situation not going as planned
Card 9 : Hopes : Queen of Swords
Has known suffering and loss, inner strength
Card 10 : Outcome : Empress
Growth, prosperity, happy conculsions
Card 11 : 3 of Swords
Seperation, family upheaval, hope for the future
Card 12 : Lovers
Realationship issues
Card 13 : 3 of Wands
Positive pattern of progression. Need to keep planning to keep moving
Card 14 : Queen of Pentacles
Not afraid of hard work.
Double Damn
Okay, something I wasn't able to put down last night as it was just too damn painful.... I am once again a single girl. It was my own choice, I called it quits. I just wasn't able to cope with everything that was going on with Al and Jo as well as falling into the nice deep pit of depression I seem to be headed for...
God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.
But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.
Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.
Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.
God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.
But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.
Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.
Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Damn
Okay so you think that you are getting your life back under some kind of control and then it all just blows up.... crap... yep my life has blown up, or rather down, had such a bad week last week, it started okay and was able to be almost normal for a ood portion of the time but by the time the Munch rolled round on Wednesday I was ready to just curl up and admit defeat..
But I went, I tried not to kill the puppy for crowding me. I think I did okay until about 9pm, then I had to sneak out of the pub for a while, it seriously felt like I was not able to breath, too many people and the cost of keeping up the act, so nipped to the loo and then out the door on the way back up before anyone could stop me....
I got a few funny looks when I got back in but hey *shrugs* am used to that now....
The docs have referred me for grief counselling, I am not bothered much but if they think it will help then it can't hurt to try it.
But I went, I tried not to kill the puppy for crowding me. I think I did okay until about 9pm, then I had to sneak out of the pub for a while, it seriously felt like I was not able to breath, too many people and the cost of keeping up the act, so nipped to the loo and then out the door on the way back up before anyone could stop me....
I got a few funny looks when I got back in but hey *shrugs* am used to that now....
The docs have referred me for grief counselling, I am not bothered much but if they think it will help then it can't hurt to try it.
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