Well it took me so long to write out yesterdays brain mess that I ended up not going to bed until gone midnight... And I am still not sure if I sorted it all out to my satisfaction in my own head.
I know that I care for him, I have done for 3 years now, true it is not what I thought would happen when I contacted him. I was still exploring the lovely world of kink and I was trying to connect with people in the area and he was one of the first I noticed the profile of and had to go back to it over and over again until I managed to pluck up the courage to contact him...
Little did I know where it would lead, the things he would introduce me to, the people I would meet because of him. I have a whole new family who I would do anything for, they have seen me at my worst and still been there for me, they put up with the craziness that mum dying and the subsequent anti-depressant induced haze..
When he left it hurt and more so than I thought it would. But over the last year I have managed to seal that part of me off and I think that not having any contact, even if it was not intentional or my choice. And then knowing that I had sent the e-mail and got no response it shut it off that little bit more, I no longer cried when I thought about him and what I had lost when he moved away. But then knowing I had to see him, because I knew there was no choice.
And then when I saw him and got that hug, it opened it all back up. There is something about him that I can't hide myself from, no matter how hard I try.... I know that if Kat read this she would be over here in an instant to kick my ass as she thinks that I need to forget about him and concentrate on Ste but she can only think from a mono PoV and she has never really understoof how I can love them both at the same time.
But when we spoke I felt some of the old feeling resurfacing and then knowing that he has actually replied to the e-mail just as a handwritten letter instead of an e-mail, I now want to know what is in the letter but I guess I will not find out until he actually posts it to me..... I am just feeling impatient now...
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Friday, 6 April 2012
Tough Day
Well today was both harder and easier than I thought it would be.
I knew that seeing him would be hard after a whole year of nothing and I will admit that I was very nervous about it. I know how my brain is and having sent the e-mail last month and getting nothing back I didn't know how he was going to react when I saw him...
So yesterday I was nervous but I was able to control it mostly, I went to work and got on with it. After a hellish week I went to the pub at lunch and whilst I managed to avoid ordering a large drink I did succumb to a fried chicken burger and it was delicious.... however after that the nerves got the better of me I just couldn't eat anything else.
I know that Ste was worried about it as he knows all the issues I have had in the past with not eating etc.... But after mucho stubborness he relented and I think realised what the reason was so he let me get away with not eating for the evening. However the nerves were still there this morning so when he suggested that we had a McDonalds breakfast I could only face a bagel and we had a discussion about it as he wanted me to have a Big Breakfast due to not eating the night before, but there was no way that I could face eating that much. So sent him with instructions to get a bagel, and he came back with 2 of them....
I ate one and 12 hrs later the other one is still on the table next to me, I know it is a waste of food and money but I only asked for one, he went and bought 2 of his own violition. I think that he forgets I am not like him and that even if it is in front of me I can ignore food if I do not want it...
So by the time we got to the pub at 2.30 I had still only had the bagel but my guts were churning as I didn't know what to expect from him when I walked in. But after ordering food and drinks I said hi and hugs were given then I kind of retreated and stood with Ste while he ate and we spoke to MG and some of the others...
After about an hour I was able to gather up enough of myself and go talk to him, and it was nice, I found that I can't stay mad at him when he is in front of me, I can't seem to keep the level of emotion I feel when I am sat here at home. He said that he has written me a letter that he meant to bring with him but forgot to pack it, apparently it is on the table in front of the fridge....
I knew that seeing him would be hard after a whole year of nothing and I will admit that I was very nervous about it. I know how my brain is and having sent the e-mail last month and getting nothing back I didn't know how he was going to react when I saw him...
So yesterday I was nervous but I was able to control it mostly, I went to work and got on with it. After a hellish week I went to the pub at lunch and whilst I managed to avoid ordering a large drink I did succumb to a fried chicken burger and it was delicious.... however after that the nerves got the better of me I just couldn't eat anything else.
I know that Ste was worried about it as he knows all the issues I have had in the past with not eating etc.... But after mucho stubborness he relented and I think realised what the reason was so he let me get away with not eating for the evening. However the nerves were still there this morning so when he suggested that we had a McDonalds breakfast I could only face a bagel and we had a discussion about it as he wanted me to have a Big Breakfast due to not eating the night before, but there was no way that I could face eating that much. So sent him with instructions to get a bagel, and he came back with 2 of them....
I ate one and 12 hrs later the other one is still on the table next to me, I know it is a waste of food and money but I only asked for one, he went and bought 2 of his own violition. I think that he forgets I am not like him and that even if it is in front of me I can ignore food if I do not want it...
So by the time we got to the pub at 2.30 I had still only had the bagel but my guts were churning as I didn't know what to expect from him when I walked in. But after ordering food and drinks I said hi and hugs were given then I kind of retreated and stood with Ste while he ate and we spoke to MG and some of the others...
After about an hour I was able to gather up enough of myself and go talk to him, and it was nice, I found that I can't stay mad at him when he is in front of me, I can't seem to keep the level of emotion I feel when I am sat here at home. He said that he has written me a letter that he meant to bring with him but forgot to pack it, apparently it is on the table in front of the fridge....
Monday, 6 February 2012
Day 1 - Food Glorious Food
Well I've finished the first day on the new 1250 cal diet the nurse wants me to follow for 2 weeks and I have to say that even though I am bloody hungry now it has not been as hard as I thought it might be... I have ended the day at 1243 cal intake so just within the limit, am rather pleased as it is a smaller amount than you might think...
Not sure how I am going to feel after 2 weeks of this but I imagine that I will be craving something decent to eat and grouchy... But the fitness pal website reckons if I could keep it up for 5 weeks I would lose 12lbs.... tempting in theory but I have to admit that I don't know if I could do it long term..
Then again I find myself slipping into obsessive mode over calories, I know that if I donb't control this then I will slip back into some very bad eating habits. Must just keep an eye on myself....
Not sure how I am going to feel after 2 weeks of this but I imagine that I will be craving something decent to eat and grouchy... But the fitness pal website reckons if I could keep it up for 5 weeks I would lose 12lbs.... tempting in theory but I have to admit that I don't know if I could do it long term..
Then again I find myself slipping into obsessive mode over calories, I know that if I donb't control this then I will slip back into some very bad eating habits. Must just keep an eye on myself....
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Life of Fet
This time 3 years ago I first discovered that I was not the only person who had deep, dark, disturbed thoughts about submission, pain and domination. I had been talking to a friend who I knew was sort of into the same things as me and he mentioned Fetlife to me and encouraged me to sign up and explore.
So when I got home I signed up and added him to my friends, spent hours trying to write the intro message and then started exploring by typing in my home city.... and boy there were a lot of results... were there really that many kinky people in my area. So I clicked on a few likely suspects and then after reading various profiles I started looking at the forums and oh boy, I was soooo not alone...
Little did I know that this first small step would be the start of a weird and wonderful adventure that would take me to places I had only imagined and to meet people who would teach/show/allow me to experience things I had only imagined.
Looking back I wish that there were things I could tell 28 year old me about the journey, I wouldn't listen to myself but I wish I could...
I also wish I could warn her that in a few weeks her world is going to be turned on it's head and she is going to lose one of the most important people in her life, and 6 weeks after that is going to finally pluck up the courage to kick her worthless boyfriend out the house. But with the support of your new poly family, friends and a bucket load of drugs from the docs, combined with counselling you will make it through.
Over the next 3 years you will lose weight, put it back on, sort out the sinusitus only to have it come back, you will change job... 3 times..... you will get a new boyfriend, you already know him. You will try things that if I told you what they are now, you would run screaming into the hills and call me a loony... but you will do it, and you will enjoy the ride...
So when I got home I signed up and added him to my friends, spent hours trying to write the intro message and then started exploring by typing in my home city.... and boy there were a lot of results... were there really that many kinky people in my area. So I clicked on a few likely suspects and then after reading various profiles I started looking at the forums and oh boy, I was soooo not alone...
Little did I know that this first small step would be the start of a weird and wonderful adventure that would take me to places I had only imagined and to meet people who would teach/show/allow me to experience things I had only imagined.
Looking back I wish that there were things I could tell 28 year old me about the journey, I wouldn't listen to myself but I wish I could...
I also wish I could warn her that in a few weeks her world is going to be turned on it's head and she is going to lose one of the most important people in her life, and 6 weeks after that is going to finally pluck up the courage to kick her worthless boyfriend out the house. But with the support of your new poly family, friends and a bucket load of drugs from the docs, combined with counselling you will make it through.
Over the next 3 years you will lose weight, put it back on, sort out the sinusitus only to have it come back, you will change job... 3 times..... you will get a new boyfriend, you already know him. You will try things that if I told you what they are now, you would run screaming into the hills and call me a loony... but you will do it, and you will enjoy the ride...
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Touch
I think the thing that I miss the most is the touch... I have learnt to live without the sex but the simplest of touches sends me into giggle fits because I am not used to it anymore. Even a simple kiss to the neck sets my nerves on edge and makes me giggle.
I miss the glide of hands over my skin, just for the hell of it. I get hugs and kisses but I miss the touch... I miss the drift of fingers over my collarbone, trailing down my sides and over my skin. I miss the feel of teeth, nipping and tugging the skin and then the dull/sharp feel as they sink in until it gets too much and I feel the need to scream.
I miss the glide of hands over my skin, just for the hell of it. I get hugs and kisses but I miss the touch... I miss the drift of fingers over my collarbone, trailing down my sides and over my skin. I miss the feel of teeth, nipping and tugging the skin and then the dull/sharp feel as they sink in until it gets too much and I feel the need to scream.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Square One
Why is it that you think you are over someone and what they did to you and then they do something that just takes you right back to square one.
I thought that the worst he could do was run off and ignore me. I tried to deal with it by letting him know how pissed off I was that he could do that to me after everything we had gone through together. But then I was ganged up on for expressing my feelings and told that I was being insensitive.
So I apologised (WTF!!) and went back to being ignored. Then I find out from someone that he had travelled back up this way and been less than 5 miles away and hadn't thought to let me know even though he had said that I was still important to him and he wanted some form of relationship, ableit it was mainly a very close friendship...
So now I am angry and confused again.... I know if it was found out I was down his way and hadn't let him know then I would get chewed out for it... but the other way round it fine.... GGGGRRRR!!!!
I thought that the worst he could do was run off and ignore me. I tried to deal with it by letting him know how pissed off I was that he could do that to me after everything we had gone through together. But then I was ganged up on for expressing my feelings and told that I was being insensitive.
So I apologised (WTF!!) and went back to being ignored. Then I find out from someone that he had travelled back up this way and been less than 5 miles away and hadn't thought to let me know even though he had said that I was still important to him and he wanted some form of relationship, ableit it was mainly a very close friendship...
So now I am angry and confused again.... I know if it was found out I was down his way and hadn't let him know then I would get chewed out for it... but the other way round it fine.... GGGGRRRR!!!!
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Well this last weekend I did a sploshing photoshoot over in Birmingham, not something I could have ever seen myself really doing but it was an absolute scream...
There were 4 sets for the day
1: Gunge Pool
2: Dungeon
3: Poster Paints
4: Messy Foods
We got hideously lost trying to find Exodus but now that I know where it is I will definately want to go back when they have finished all of the renovations as it is impressive enough half done, there are soooo many rooms and they are all well equipped and well laid out with plenty of space between any equipment...
So we were shown around and I then went to get changed into the PVC top and skirt for the gunge pool. However I had decided that morning that I was not going to do either the gunge or food as a) my back was playing up something chronic and b) it was just too close to a sexual thing for Squeak to do them with me and that was just too freaky for me to contemplate.
I went over to the gunge pool with the others in my group and I simply acted as a gunge bucket passer and occassional pourer of the green goo... They all looked like they were having fun but I have to admit that the gunge I got on my hands felt horrid, it was just slimy and gross and I had to go out the gunge area a couple of times to wash it off my hands because it just felt so nasty. There is no way in a million years I could actually get in a pool of the stuff *shudders*
Set 2 was the Dungeon and I must admit that I was at a total lose as to what to do in there, I was not about to beat Squeak but then I noticed that they had some 1/2 tonne hoists and wrist and ankle suspension bracers. So it was suspension time :D
We put Squeak up first as it is fun to make him scream, and when he was up by his ankles simply pushing him so that he swung ever so gently.... he was up for about 5 minutes and then we let him down and it was my turn to go up, it was lovely and my back stretched out nicely and I enjoyed swinging for a few minutes until I felt my right ankle start slipping and they had to bring me down..
Finally we put up our photographer as he is a switch and is still trying new things and he had soooo much fun and it was great to see his grins and then to watch him bounce about once he was down.
Whitestar
Then there was a short break for lunch and I had a natter with JP and he was enjoying doing such a different type of shoot to his usual weddings and portaits.
Then we were ogling Scousebabes killer heels and I mentioned that I had bought the pony boots with me and then proceeded to prove that not only could I stand in them but I could also walk in them.... The boots got some of the togs excited and so an impromptu photo session broke out and I got to practice standing in them while the pics were taken.
So after lunch it was poster paint time, I changed into the plain white vest and we pottled over to the paints area. We had already been warned that we had to be kneeling or sitting as someone had already fallen and sprained their wrist earlier in the day. There was a lot of fun to be had and we basically covered each other in paint and it was actually a lot of fun....
Poster Paints
When we had done we all trooped off to the showers only to find that there was no more hot water so we all had to scrub each others backs so that we could get out there as soon as possible...
Messy foods was another one that I had decided to sit out of as it was a slippery one and once again the whole Squeak thing. But I did put some apple pie filling in the wellies for the shoot...
But other than that I didn't really do anything... After Set 4 which for us was the Messy Food I had been talking to Elliezz and we had been on about the suspension rig and I went into the dungeon with them and I ended up suspending all 7 people in the room...
Fee
Scousebabe
Elliezz
Overall a fun day....
There were 4 sets for the day
1: Gunge Pool
2: Dungeon
3: Poster Paints
4: Messy Foods
We got hideously lost trying to find Exodus but now that I know where it is I will definately want to go back when they have finished all of the renovations as it is impressive enough half done, there are soooo many rooms and they are all well equipped and well laid out with plenty of space between any equipment...
So we were shown around and I then went to get changed into the PVC top and skirt for the gunge pool. However I had decided that morning that I was not going to do either the gunge or food as a) my back was playing up something chronic and b) it was just too close to a sexual thing for Squeak to do them with me and that was just too freaky for me to contemplate.
I went over to the gunge pool with the others in my group and I simply acted as a gunge bucket passer and occassional pourer of the green goo... They all looked like they were having fun but I have to admit that the gunge I got on my hands felt horrid, it was just slimy and gross and I had to go out the gunge area a couple of times to wash it off my hands because it just felt so nasty. There is no way in a million years I could actually get in a pool of the stuff *shudders*
Set 2 was the Dungeon and I must admit that I was at a total lose as to what to do in there, I was not about to beat Squeak but then I noticed that they had some 1/2 tonne hoists and wrist and ankle suspension bracers. So it was suspension time :D
We put Squeak up first as it is fun to make him scream, and when he was up by his ankles simply pushing him so that he swung ever so gently.... he was up for about 5 minutes and then we let him down and it was my turn to go up, it was lovely and my back stretched out nicely and I enjoyed swinging for a few minutes until I felt my right ankle start slipping and they had to bring me down..
Finally we put up our photographer as he is a switch and is still trying new things and he had soooo much fun and it was great to see his grins and then to watch him bounce about once he was down.
Whitestar
Then there was a short break for lunch and I had a natter with JP and he was enjoying doing such a different type of shoot to his usual weddings and portaits.
Then we were ogling Scousebabes killer heels and I mentioned that I had bought the pony boots with me and then proceeded to prove that not only could I stand in them but I could also walk in them.... The boots got some of the togs excited and so an impromptu photo session broke out and I got to practice standing in them while the pics were taken.
So after lunch it was poster paint time, I changed into the plain white vest and we pottled over to the paints area. We had already been warned that we had to be kneeling or sitting as someone had already fallen and sprained their wrist earlier in the day. There was a lot of fun to be had and we basically covered each other in paint and it was actually a lot of fun....
Poster Paints
When we had done we all trooped off to the showers only to find that there was no more hot water so we all had to scrub each others backs so that we could get out there as soon as possible...
Messy foods was another one that I had decided to sit out of as it was a slippery one and once again the whole Squeak thing. But I did put some apple pie filling in the wellies for the shoot...
But other than that I didn't really do anything... After Set 4 which for us was the Messy Food I had been talking to Elliezz and we had been on about the suspension rig and I went into the dungeon with them and I ended up suspending all 7 people in the room...
Fee
Scousebabe
Elliezz
Overall a fun day....
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