Update

Well I had the coil taken out 2 weeks ago now and I have to admit that my moods are finally starting to stabalise I think.  Even the PMT this week was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the last 6 months or so.  The shiny things did not talk to me and I only got teary and emotional 1 day instead of the whole week before.

I didn't know if it was going to have any effect but I am quite shocked at how quickly it has worked for me.  I have been more tired than normal but if that is the only side effect then I can live with that. 

Work is getting better too, Karen is finally finding her feet as the manager and I have kind of stopped caring about it being a mindnumbingly boring job.  Though it is amusing that this coming week I will be training our newest member of staff, myself being the next newest member now that Ros has been medically signed off.

Morse have agreed to make me permanent on 19K, this should give me much more stability and better prospects in the long term.

Getting There

Okay so me and Ste are still working through the issues he has but I think we are at least making headway with things now....  I was being bratty earlier and he mean to say 'Stop that or I won't tie you down and beat you' but he missed out the 'won't'... So I just grinned, stuck my tongue out and carried on, thinking he would do his usual 'I didn't mean that'... But he came over, grabbed me by the hair and manhandled me into the bedroom...

I still thought he was still mucky about like normal and would give me a few swats and then go and play WoW but boy was I wrong....

Once he had got me tied down nice and secure he actually beat me... and not just for a few minutes, we were in there for over an hour.  He started out with the floggers to bring all the blood to the surface and then moved onto the kando sticks, the carriage whip and then through all 3 anes, ending with the dragon cane.

And for once he wasn't gentle and hesitant, he was mean and did what he wanted and I had no damn say in it... He beat me until I almost cried...

Below are the nice rope marks and cane marks he left :D

Okay so the last few weeks have been a tough few for me.  I don't know why the depression hit me again but it did and boy was it a doozy.

More than normal I felt the need to really push people away and just retreat into myself.  And it was everyone that I was pushing away, Ste, Al, Dad, Kat.... Everyone...

But I am lucky that Ste is a stubborn bugger and wouldn't let me cut him out too much and we have been working on the whole bunch of issues he has surrounding sex.  But they are going to take months to work through it is definately not a quick fix, but we are getting there.  He has got over most of his issues with giving me pleasure so at least that part is being satisfied.

And this last week I have realised that cutting myself off from everyone is only really hurting me.  So I am working at building back up all the ties that I had started to ignore.

Feelings

It feels childish when I say it out loud but it does not feel childish in here *points to chest* It feels like I am starving to death in the midst of a feast. But it is a feast that I share with many. No-one watches me 'that' way. There is always someone else more beautiful, more desireable, just more....

Just once I would like someone to look at me like that and actually mean it, act on it, not just think it!

New Job

Well I have just finished my 4th day at the new job and all I can say is that it is soooooo borin I am ready to stab people.  I don't care that they are paying me £100 a day it is so not worth it.

All I do it stare at a list, take the next task and assign it to myself.  Check on the system if it is licenses, ask any questions from the user, order or refer the job..... rinse and repeat.... *head ... desk ... head ... desk* The people are nice enough, the place is nice enough, the canteen is fab but the actual job.... bleh....

And with it taking 45 mins each way to get there I have a lot of time to wonder what the hell I got myself into....

Meh

Not sure why but at the moment I have to admit to being a bit down...  I am feeling downright anti-social and just want everyone to leave me the hell alone.. But of course when I feel like this no-one actually does because they know that this is when I forget to eat and the shiny things start to talk to me if I will listen to them.


So far doing okay on that front, I have eaten and the shiny things are just their usual whisper in the back of my head, so I am not worried on that front at the moment.


But I feel different to my normal anti-social self.  This time I don't just want them all to leave me alone, I would love nothing more than to vanish for a few days, but I can't do that too many people would worry so I will carry on sinking into WoW, at least it is an escape from the real world and I can ignore everyone if I want to.


I don't know why this has hit me at the moment.  And why it is seeming to intensify my self loathing as well but it is.  All I can see when I catch a view of myself is this ugly, fat blob that no-one could possibly be interested in.  And there is no-one that seems to understand how I can feel like this, if I say anything to anyone they just try and tell me that I am lovely and pretty and all that bollocks that I know is not true.  I know that they think they are doing the right thing but at the moment everytime they say it, it just clarifies it in my brain that the opposite it true, why else would they need to keep saying these things.


The wyrdest thing is that no-one actually sees past the shields I put up, they see this confident girl who wears pretty clothes to events and has a fab life with a wonderful poly family.  And they see me at events like Nemesis last weekend where I will strip down to my underwear in public for some play and not flinch about doing it.  And of course that shows my confidence etc, or at least that is what they see.


And up to a point it is true, my family are fantastic, I can't imagine not having them in my life anymore.  And a lot of the clothes I have invested in are nice enough, but underneath the smiling and laughing exterior there is this insecure little girl who is just playing dress up and acting the whole time.  When I play in public, they see the person happy to strip down and be beaten but what they don't see is that inside I am cringing at the thought of them seeing me in less. 


I like the corset because it is almost a body armour for me, it is very solid and holds me together (sometimes quite literally it feels) it brings me into that upright posture that conveys confidence and knowing that Al is such a well known person in all the clubs we attend I slap the smiling me on and get on with it because I don't want them to judge him because of my mess.


I know that this is my hangup but at the moment it is getting to me, eating away at the shields I have in place, the ones I have taken all these years to build up.  I guess I just need to work harder on reinforcing them, so that they stop leaking.  I keep saying to myself that if I act confident and like I actually like myself then one day it will not be an act anymore and I actually will be that person, but at the moment the act is just that!

Poetry

I generally use my other blog for poetry but since I didn't write this one and have no idea who the author is I thought I would put on here, for some reason this one is speaking to me at the moment.

Spoilt......

make me dirty
make me nasty
make me taboo
make me dark
make me forbidden
make me a sin
don't give me roses
don't give me bullshit
don't give me lines
don't give me promises
just do me like you mean it
just do me like you need it
just do me like you are addicted
just do me like you can't live without it
just do it right
make me hurt
make me filthy
don't tell me I am pretty
I don't want you adoration
I don't want picket fences
I don't want forever and ever
I want now
I want passion
I want hunger
I want pain
I want primal, nasty, evil
I want dirty, debauched, deviant
with a Capital D
hard
fast... sleazy... slutty
I want to feel Alive, Taken, Used
anything but soft
anything but nice
anything but ordinary