I am a submissive woman…
I find pleasure, joy and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship
I am not weak, or stupid.
I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy.
His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?
If He says I am His princess, then I am that… regal and graceful.
And if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?
If He says I am His toy, His slut, His tramp, then I am that… as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know as only He can.
I have no secrets from Him…for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself…and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided I need, and so I learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when His belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought He puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for His, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.
My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to He who has that strength will i give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.
Author Unknown
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Tarot Reading No 2
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Card 1 : Present : 4 of Wands
Stability after hard work, a sense of contentment with oneself
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth in a relationship
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Knight of Wands
Change of residence, long journey to be taken
Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial stability
Card 5 : Past Issues : 10 of Swords
Feeling of loss due to the ending of a difficult situation
Card 6 : Immediate Future : 9 of Cups
The achievement of an important desire
Card 7 : Fears : The Devil
A passionate and compelling relationship but not a healthy one
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : Knight of Cups
Offers being bought to you that will be accompanied by a high level of excitement
Card 9 : Hopes : The World
Accomplishment of a goal that has been steadily worked towards
Card 10 : Outcome : Page of Wands
Good news coming in
Additional Readers Fan
Card 11 : Justice
Using the intellectual mind rather than the emotional one
Card 12 : 2 of Wands
Focus on future plans and put in the required energy
Card 13 : 9 of Wands
Perseverence is the key, do not stop now
Card 14 : 8 of Swords
Look at the situation differently, the answer is available
Card 1 : Present : 4 of Wands
Stability after hard work, a sense of contentment with oneself
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth in a relationship
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Knight of Wands
Change of residence, long journey to be taken
Card 4 : Immediate Past : 9 of Pentacles
Financial stability
Card 5 : Past Issues : 10 of Swords
Feeling of loss due to the ending of a difficult situation
Card 6 : Immediate Future : 9 of Cups
The achievement of an important desire
Card 7 : Fears : The Devil
A passionate and compelling relationship but not a healthy one
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : Knight of Cups
Offers being bought to you that will be accompanied by a high level of excitement
Card 9 : Hopes : The World
Accomplishment of a goal that has been steadily worked towards
Card 10 : Outcome : Page of Wands
Good news coming in
Additional Readers Fan
Card 11 : Justice
Using the intellectual mind rather than the emotional one
Card 12 : 2 of Wands
Focus on future plans and put in the required energy
Card 13 : 9 of Wands
Perseverence is the key, do not stop now
Card 14 : 8 of Swords
Look at the situation differently, the answer is available
Monday, 21 September 2009
Tarot Reading
Okay after the events of yesterday decided to do a reading :
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Question Asked : Did I make the right choice with Al and Jo?
Card 1 : Present : Knight of Wands
Can represent a change of residence or long journey
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth or change in a relationship, reconciliation
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Temperance
Patience, moderation, balanced emotions
Card 4 : Immediate Past : Judgement
New beginnings
Card 5 : Past Issues : 5 of Cups
Disappointment, betrayal, loss of a relationship
Card 6 : Immediate Future : Hierophant
Finding a mentor, need to find the deeper meaning to life
Card 7 : Fears : 7 of Cups
Too many choices, need to be practical and methodical in making a choice
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 7 of Swords
A situation not going as planned
Card 9 : Hopes : Queen of Swords
Has known suffering and loss, inner strength
Card 10 : Outcome : Empress
Growth, prosperity, happy conculsions
Card 11 : 3 of Swords
Seperation, family upheaval, hope for the future
Card 12 : Lovers
Realationship issues
Card 13 : 3 of Wands
Positive pattern of progression. Need to keep planning to keep moving
Card 14 : Queen of Pentacles
Not afraid of hard work.
Celtic Card Spread with 4 Card Additonal Readers Fan.
Question Asked : Did I make the right choice with Al and Jo?
Card 1 : Present : Knight of Wands
Can represent a change of residence or long journey
Card 2 : Influences : 2 of Cups
Growth or change in a relationship, reconciliation
Card 3 : Your Thoughts : Temperance
Patience, moderation, balanced emotions
Card 4 : Immediate Past : Judgement
New beginnings
Card 5 : Past Issues : 5 of Cups
Disappointment, betrayal, loss of a relationship
Card 6 : Immediate Future : Hierophant
Finding a mentor, need to find the deeper meaning to life
Card 7 : Fears : 7 of Cups
Too many choices, need to be practical and methodical in making a choice
Card 8 : Environmental Factors : 7 of Swords
A situation not going as planned
Card 9 : Hopes : Queen of Swords
Has known suffering and loss, inner strength
Card 10 : Outcome : Empress
Growth, prosperity, happy conculsions
Card 11 : 3 of Swords
Seperation, family upheaval, hope for the future
Card 12 : Lovers
Realationship issues
Card 13 : 3 of Wands
Positive pattern of progression. Need to keep planning to keep moving
Card 14 : Queen of Pentacles
Not afraid of hard work.
Double Damn
Okay, something I wasn't able to put down last night as it was just too damn painful.... I am once again a single girl. It was my own choice, I called it quits. I just wasn't able to cope with everything that was going on with Al and Jo as well as falling into the nice deep pit of depression I seem to be headed for...
God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.
But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.
Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.
Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.
God it hurts so much, I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me, it started as a pretty damn big one with mum passing, and all the crap that has been happening with Al has made a nice new hole next to the one mum left but doing this (yes I know it is all my fault but wuld have happened anyway I am just ripping the plaster off nice and quick to get it over with) has joined them up into one great big gaping painful wound.
But I finally made the choice to end it as it was slowly eroding me to carry on the way it was. Not speaking to him outside events, always being the one to make any form of contact, even when out and about being almost ignored and getting maybe 10 mins of time in the several hours together. It was just too much and I was crying all the damn time. This way it hurts now but I can start to heal that big hole.
Jo has been lovely about it, I think she understands, I hope she does. I still care for her and think she is drop dead sexy but she isn't mine anymore so I can only look from afar.
Al has said nothing at all, no aknowledgement other than changing his Fet profile. I had hoped for something, even a WTF? But silence and yeah that has made the hole bigger. So I sat down earlier and wrote a letter, only meant it to be a quick one but 3 hours and 4 pages later I was done. Posted it through the letterbox and text to Jo to ask her to make sure he reads it at the least.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Damn
Okay so you think that you are getting your life back under some kind of control and then it all just blows up.... crap... yep my life has blown up, or rather down, had such a bad week last week, it started okay and was able to be almost normal for a ood portion of the time but by the time the Munch rolled round on Wednesday I was ready to just curl up and admit defeat..
But I went, I tried not to kill the puppy for crowding me. I think I did okay until about 9pm, then I had to sneak out of the pub for a while, it seriously felt like I was not able to breath, too many people and the cost of keeping up the act, so nipped to the loo and then out the door on the way back up before anyone could stop me....
I got a few funny looks when I got back in but hey *shrugs* am used to that now....
The docs have referred me for grief counselling, I am not bothered much but if they think it will help then it can't hurt to try it.
But I went, I tried not to kill the puppy for crowding me. I think I did okay until about 9pm, then I had to sneak out of the pub for a while, it seriously felt like I was not able to breath, too many people and the cost of keeping up the act, so nipped to the loo and then out the door on the way back up before anyone could stop me....
I got a few funny looks when I got back in but hey *shrugs* am used to that now....
The docs have referred me for grief counselling, I am not bothered much but if they think it will help then it can't hurt to try it.
Monday, 14 September 2009
14th September 2009
Urk... so do not want to go back to work today. I am still feeling unhinged and want to hide under my quilt but hey gotta go to work so I can pay the bills.... *groans*
Here we go, see me getting out the chair..... okay that didn't work...... nope not that time either.....
Damn it all to hell while can't my life make sense for once..... would make this all so much easier and more bearable....
Here we go, see me getting out the chair..... okay that didn't work...... nope not that time either.....
Damn it all to hell while can't my life make sense for once..... would make this all so much easier and more bearable....
Sunday, 13 September 2009
13th September 2009
Okay just got back from The Attic and letting the food settle and since the server is down on WoW again thought that I would have a quick brain dump.
Still feel like I am slowly losing my mind but it is getting better, it is not every day now, I do have days where I am just me, not the old me, she is dead and gone. I know that it is part of the natural grief process and when I spoke to the doc he was not worried that this was happening, was relieved that it was finally happening for me.
It is so odd when it happens. I will be doing something benign and normal like cooking tea and all of a sudden I will be in floods of tears, and I don't mean little rivulets of tears gently trickling down my face, I mean screaming, heaving sobs, snot, tears and hiccups floods of tears.... the ugly sort that you only get when you totally let go. And it is like that every single time and I have no control over it at all. Sometimes I will feel it starting and I have enough time to stop what I am doing and get comfy but other times I will end up curled up in a ball on the floor. Damn I hate it!!!! But there is no-one that can help me, if people are around then yeah I don't cry but it kind of builds up inside and is then ten times worse when I get alone again. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone to go and get a cuddle from but with all the crap that has been going off with Al and Jo recently I don't have that luxury.
Still not sure what the hell is going on with Al, he has barely spoken to me this week while I have been off work. I got 1 text on Wednesday saying he would give me a call when he got in to go round for a chat and when I got it the text was saying that he was too busy.
I will admit that I got one today saying about being at The Attic for 8pm and when to be at the house to get there and asking if I would like to play, but did he think that while he has been off sorting himself out that I just assumed he would take me and not make other arrangements. I had arranged to go with Faulkner so I sent a very quick one back to say I would be going with Faulkner and would see him there.
Didn't say anything to the play comment because to be honest I do not want the first play in months to be something so impersonal as a public play. I know that some people may think that something is better than nothing but to be honest it has been so long now that I would rather have nothing than a tiny impersonal taster so I started craving again, at the moment I don't mind, the urge has been left for so long I have gone past caring about it.
If I am going to do anything it will be after we have had a talk and will be in private, if he is unwilling to do anything in private then why the hell would I let it happen in public. At the moment my emotions are too much all over the place to trust in public with something like this, so I know that I would not be able to relax into anything for having to control my emotions.
Plus I have to admit to trying to push buttons or at least get a reaction, am sick of being bloody ignored... So some of the comments on FL have been a bit forward, the text I sent back was very short and sharp and deliberately ignoring the play question, not wearing my collar tonight, I admit to them being provoking. But no reaction to any of them as yet... oh well....
But then Al didn't seem like himself tonight, can't put my finger on why but it was almost an act to seem normal. It is possible hell most of the time I am acting at the moment so that people don't see what all this is doing to me...
Still feel like I am slowly losing my mind but it is getting better, it is not every day now, I do have days where I am just me, not the old me, she is dead and gone. I know that it is part of the natural grief process and when I spoke to the doc he was not worried that this was happening, was relieved that it was finally happening for me.
It is so odd when it happens. I will be doing something benign and normal like cooking tea and all of a sudden I will be in floods of tears, and I don't mean little rivulets of tears gently trickling down my face, I mean screaming, heaving sobs, snot, tears and hiccups floods of tears.... the ugly sort that you only get when you totally let go. And it is like that every single time and I have no control over it at all. Sometimes I will feel it starting and I have enough time to stop what I am doing and get comfy but other times I will end up curled up in a ball on the floor. Damn I hate it!!!! But there is no-one that can help me, if people are around then yeah I don't cry but it kind of builds up inside and is then ten times worse when I get alone again. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone to go and get a cuddle from but with all the crap that has been going off with Al and Jo recently I don't have that luxury.
Still not sure what the hell is going on with Al, he has barely spoken to me this week while I have been off work. I got 1 text on Wednesday saying he would give me a call when he got in to go round for a chat and when I got it the text was saying that he was too busy.
I will admit that I got one today saying about being at The Attic for 8pm and when to be at the house to get there and asking if I would like to play, but did he think that while he has been off sorting himself out that I just assumed he would take me and not make other arrangements. I had arranged to go with Faulkner so I sent a very quick one back to say I would be going with Faulkner and would see him there.
Didn't say anything to the play comment because to be honest I do not want the first play in months to be something so impersonal as a public play. I know that some people may think that something is better than nothing but to be honest it has been so long now that I would rather have nothing than a tiny impersonal taster so I started craving again, at the moment I don't mind, the urge has been left for so long I have gone past caring about it.
If I am going to do anything it will be after we have had a talk and will be in private, if he is unwilling to do anything in private then why the hell would I let it happen in public. At the moment my emotions are too much all over the place to trust in public with something like this, so I know that I would not be able to relax into anything for having to control my emotions.
Plus I have to admit to trying to push buttons or at least get a reaction, am sick of being bloody ignored... So some of the comments on FL have been a bit forward, the text I sent back was very short and sharp and deliberately ignoring the play question, not wearing my collar tonight, I admit to them being provoking. But no reaction to any of them as yet... oh well....
But then Al didn't seem like himself tonight, can't put my finger on why but it was almost an act to seem normal. It is possible hell most of the time I am acting at the moment so that people don't see what all this is doing to me...
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