Well I've finished the first day on the new 1250 cal diet the nurse wants me to follow for 2 weeks and I have to say that even though I am bloody hungry now it has not been as hard as I thought it might be... I have ended the day at 1243 cal intake so just within the limit, am rather pleased as it is a smaller amount than you might think...
Not sure how I am going to feel after 2 weeks of this but I imagine that I will be craving something decent to eat and grouchy... But the fitness pal website reckons if I could keep it up for 5 weeks I would lose 12lbs.... tempting in theory but I have to admit that I don't know if I could do it long term..
Then again I find myself slipping into obsessive mode over calories, I know that if I donb't control this then I will slip back into some very bad eating habits. Must just keep an eye on myself....
Monday, 6 February 2012
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Life of Fet
This time 3 years ago I first discovered that I was not the only person who had deep, dark, disturbed thoughts about submission, pain and domination. I had been talking to a friend who I knew was sort of into the same things as me and he mentioned Fetlife to me and encouraged me to sign up and explore.
So when I got home I signed up and added him to my friends, spent hours trying to write the intro message and then started exploring by typing in my home city.... and boy there were a lot of results... were there really that many kinky people in my area. So I clicked on a few likely suspects and then after reading various profiles I started looking at the forums and oh boy, I was soooo not alone...
Little did I know that this first small step would be the start of a weird and wonderful adventure that would take me to places I had only imagined and to meet people who would teach/show/allow me to experience things I had only imagined.
Looking back I wish that there were things I could tell 28 year old me about the journey, I wouldn't listen to myself but I wish I could...
I also wish I could warn her that in a few weeks her world is going to be turned on it's head and she is going to lose one of the most important people in her life, and 6 weeks after that is going to finally pluck up the courage to kick her worthless boyfriend out the house. But with the support of your new poly family, friends and a bucket load of drugs from the docs, combined with counselling you will make it through.
Over the next 3 years you will lose weight, put it back on, sort out the sinusitus only to have it come back, you will change job... 3 times..... you will get a new boyfriend, you already know him. You will try things that if I told you what they are now, you would run screaming into the hills and call me a loony... but you will do it, and you will enjoy the ride...
So when I got home I signed up and added him to my friends, spent hours trying to write the intro message and then started exploring by typing in my home city.... and boy there were a lot of results... were there really that many kinky people in my area. So I clicked on a few likely suspects and then after reading various profiles I started looking at the forums and oh boy, I was soooo not alone...
Little did I know that this first small step would be the start of a weird and wonderful adventure that would take me to places I had only imagined and to meet people who would teach/show/allow me to experience things I had only imagined.
Looking back I wish that there were things I could tell 28 year old me about the journey, I wouldn't listen to myself but I wish I could...
I also wish I could warn her that in a few weeks her world is going to be turned on it's head and she is going to lose one of the most important people in her life, and 6 weeks after that is going to finally pluck up the courage to kick her worthless boyfriend out the house. But with the support of your new poly family, friends and a bucket load of drugs from the docs, combined with counselling you will make it through.
Over the next 3 years you will lose weight, put it back on, sort out the sinusitus only to have it come back, you will change job... 3 times..... you will get a new boyfriend, you already know him. You will try things that if I told you what they are now, you would run screaming into the hills and call me a loony... but you will do it, and you will enjoy the ride...
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Touch
I think the thing that I miss the most is the touch... I have learnt to live without the sex but the simplest of touches sends me into giggle fits because I am not used to it anymore. Even a simple kiss to the neck sets my nerves on edge and makes me giggle.
I miss the glide of hands over my skin, just for the hell of it. I get hugs and kisses but I miss the touch... I miss the drift of fingers over my collarbone, trailing down my sides and over my skin. I miss the feel of teeth, nipping and tugging the skin and then the dull/sharp feel as they sink in until it gets too much and I feel the need to scream.
I miss the glide of hands over my skin, just for the hell of it. I get hugs and kisses but I miss the touch... I miss the drift of fingers over my collarbone, trailing down my sides and over my skin. I miss the feel of teeth, nipping and tugging the skin and then the dull/sharp feel as they sink in until it gets too much and I feel the need to scream.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Square One
Why is it that you think you are over someone and what they did to you and then they do something that just takes you right back to square one.
I thought that the worst he could do was run off and ignore me. I tried to deal with it by letting him know how pissed off I was that he could do that to me after everything we had gone through together. But then I was ganged up on for expressing my feelings and told that I was being insensitive.
So I apologised (WTF!!) and went back to being ignored. Then I find out from someone that he had travelled back up this way and been less than 5 miles away and hadn't thought to let me know even though he had said that I was still important to him and he wanted some form of relationship, ableit it was mainly a very close friendship...
So now I am angry and confused again.... I know if it was found out I was down his way and hadn't let him know then I would get chewed out for it... but the other way round it fine.... GGGGRRRR!!!!
I thought that the worst he could do was run off and ignore me. I tried to deal with it by letting him know how pissed off I was that he could do that to me after everything we had gone through together. But then I was ganged up on for expressing my feelings and told that I was being insensitive.
So I apologised (WTF!!) and went back to being ignored. Then I find out from someone that he had travelled back up this way and been less than 5 miles away and hadn't thought to let me know even though he had said that I was still important to him and he wanted some form of relationship, ableit it was mainly a very close friendship...
So now I am angry and confused again.... I know if it was found out I was down his way and hadn't let him know then I would get chewed out for it... but the other way round it fine.... GGGGRRRR!!!!
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Well this last weekend I did a sploshing photoshoot over in Birmingham, not something I could have ever seen myself really doing but it was an absolute scream...
There were 4 sets for the day
1: Gunge Pool
2: Dungeon
3: Poster Paints
4: Messy Foods
We got hideously lost trying to find Exodus but now that I know where it is I will definately want to go back when they have finished all of the renovations as it is impressive enough half done, there are soooo many rooms and they are all well equipped and well laid out with plenty of space between any equipment...
So we were shown around and I then went to get changed into the PVC top and skirt for the gunge pool. However I had decided that morning that I was not going to do either the gunge or food as a) my back was playing up something chronic and b) it was just too close to a sexual thing for Squeak to do them with me and that was just too freaky for me to contemplate.
I went over to the gunge pool with the others in my group and I simply acted as a gunge bucket passer and occassional pourer of the green goo... They all looked like they were having fun but I have to admit that the gunge I got on my hands felt horrid, it was just slimy and gross and I had to go out the gunge area a couple of times to wash it off my hands because it just felt so nasty. There is no way in a million years I could actually get in a pool of the stuff *shudders*
Set 2 was the Dungeon and I must admit that I was at a total lose as to what to do in there, I was not about to beat Squeak but then I noticed that they had some 1/2 tonne hoists and wrist and ankle suspension bracers. So it was suspension time :D
We put Squeak up first as it is fun to make him scream, and when he was up by his ankles simply pushing him so that he swung ever so gently.... he was up for about 5 minutes and then we let him down and it was my turn to go up, it was lovely and my back stretched out nicely and I enjoyed swinging for a few minutes until I felt my right ankle start slipping and they had to bring me down..
Finally we put up our photographer as he is a switch and is still trying new things and he had soooo much fun and it was great to see his grins and then to watch him bounce about once he was down.
Whitestar
Then there was a short break for lunch and I had a natter with JP and he was enjoying doing such a different type of shoot to his usual weddings and portaits.
Then we were ogling Scousebabes killer heels and I mentioned that I had bought the pony boots with me and then proceeded to prove that not only could I stand in them but I could also walk in them.... The boots got some of the togs excited and so an impromptu photo session broke out and I got to practice standing in them while the pics were taken.
So after lunch it was poster paint time, I changed into the plain white vest and we pottled over to the paints area. We had already been warned that we had to be kneeling or sitting as someone had already fallen and sprained their wrist earlier in the day. There was a lot of fun to be had and we basically covered each other in paint and it was actually a lot of fun....
Poster Paints
When we had done we all trooped off to the showers only to find that there was no more hot water so we all had to scrub each others backs so that we could get out there as soon as possible...
Messy foods was another one that I had decided to sit out of as it was a slippery one and once again the whole Squeak thing. But I did put some apple pie filling in the wellies for the shoot...
But other than that I didn't really do anything... After Set 4 which for us was the Messy Food I had been talking to Elliezz and we had been on about the suspension rig and I went into the dungeon with them and I ended up suspending all 7 people in the room...
Fee
Scousebabe
Elliezz
Overall a fun day....
There were 4 sets for the day
1: Gunge Pool
2: Dungeon
3: Poster Paints
4: Messy Foods
We got hideously lost trying to find Exodus but now that I know where it is I will definately want to go back when they have finished all of the renovations as it is impressive enough half done, there are soooo many rooms and they are all well equipped and well laid out with plenty of space between any equipment...
So we were shown around and I then went to get changed into the PVC top and skirt for the gunge pool. However I had decided that morning that I was not going to do either the gunge or food as a) my back was playing up something chronic and b) it was just too close to a sexual thing for Squeak to do them with me and that was just too freaky for me to contemplate.
I went over to the gunge pool with the others in my group and I simply acted as a gunge bucket passer and occassional pourer of the green goo... They all looked like they were having fun but I have to admit that the gunge I got on my hands felt horrid, it was just slimy and gross and I had to go out the gunge area a couple of times to wash it off my hands because it just felt so nasty. There is no way in a million years I could actually get in a pool of the stuff *shudders*
Set 2 was the Dungeon and I must admit that I was at a total lose as to what to do in there, I was not about to beat Squeak but then I noticed that they had some 1/2 tonne hoists and wrist and ankle suspension bracers. So it was suspension time :D
We put Squeak up first as it is fun to make him scream, and when he was up by his ankles simply pushing him so that he swung ever so gently.... he was up for about 5 minutes and then we let him down and it was my turn to go up, it was lovely and my back stretched out nicely and I enjoyed swinging for a few minutes until I felt my right ankle start slipping and they had to bring me down..
Finally we put up our photographer as he is a switch and is still trying new things and he had soooo much fun and it was great to see his grins and then to watch him bounce about once he was down.
Whitestar
Then there was a short break for lunch and I had a natter with JP and he was enjoying doing such a different type of shoot to his usual weddings and portaits.
Then we were ogling Scousebabes killer heels and I mentioned that I had bought the pony boots with me and then proceeded to prove that not only could I stand in them but I could also walk in them.... The boots got some of the togs excited and so an impromptu photo session broke out and I got to practice standing in them while the pics were taken.
So after lunch it was poster paint time, I changed into the plain white vest and we pottled over to the paints area. We had already been warned that we had to be kneeling or sitting as someone had already fallen and sprained their wrist earlier in the day. There was a lot of fun to be had and we basically covered each other in paint and it was actually a lot of fun....
Poster Paints
When we had done we all trooped off to the showers only to find that there was no more hot water so we all had to scrub each others backs so that we could get out there as soon as possible...
Messy foods was another one that I had decided to sit out of as it was a slippery one and once again the whole Squeak thing. But I did put some apple pie filling in the wellies for the shoot...
But other than that I didn't really do anything... After Set 4 which for us was the Messy Food I had been talking to Elliezz and we had been on about the suspension rig and I went into the dungeon with them and I ended up suspending all 7 people in the room...
Fee
Scousebabe
Elliezz
Overall a fun day....
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Cutting and Needles - 24/04/11
Okay so there are a few lines that I thought I would never cross in the BDSM world and yesterday I actually crossed 2 of them.
Went to see MG at his house for some needle play and I admit that I was very nervous about it all, I always have been interested in them but always been too nervous to actually consider getting it done. But over the last few months I have seen certain pics and they have been appealing to me more and more so speaking to MG at the last munch and then on MSN he offered to let me try needles.
I agreed as I know from talking to Al and others on the scene that he is one of the best for needles in the area. I was SOOOOO nervous that on the way there I was really quiet the whole ride there. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to do it even up to the point that I was lying in just my undies on the med table. I was watching MG prepare all the needles and I still felt like bolting even as he unwrapped the first of the needles.
He started out anice and easy with me doing a line of each of the different sizes in my left shoulder, the first few didn't really hurt, they just stung a bit, but towards the thicker end they bloody hurt. And then he started taking them out and even though some of them hurt when they were out and I could feel the blood trickling down my back the endorphin rush was good!!!
So after stopping the bleeding and using the lovely stingy savlon stray on my shoulder (not to clean the area but because it stings) he started using them in myleft butt cheek, he did 2 lots of needles and the big pink ones still hurt, especially when he was weaving them under and over the other needles he had put in.
This is the second batch of needles.....
When he was doing the needles in my butt he also put 2 in my sides just below my ribs and they really really sucked..... but one they were in it actually felt really good, it even felt pretty good when he took them out, even the trickle of blood that travelled down my ribs.... The alcohol gel the boys used to clean the area did suck more than the savlon spray but then I have done that to myself with various cuts etc....
The next bit was the hard bit though.... MG had me sit up on the table and he put a few needles in my boobs and all of a sudden I could feel the tears building. So he took them out and then had me create a nice deep cleaveage and he tried to get one of the really long needles to go into both sides of the cleavage. For some reason I started to crumble when he did this, and he only managed to get one in the left side, so he simply put another needle into the other side. Unfortunately this started the total breakdown and I just sat there tears running down my face with my hand up to try and not be a soggy ball of goo....
MG then asked if I would prefer a pink needle in the boob or a smalled one in the nipple and he got one out of the pack, Ste thinks that this point that I went into a mild shocky stage as I was just crying and batting the needle away, I didn't even notice that I had slightly caught my hand on the needle. All I remember is crying and trying really hard to stop...
The boys had to point out that I had to lower my hands so that the last needles could be taken out and it took all my will power to actually remove my hands and let MG take the needles out... He then let me calm down and was really good about it all, bugger then got out a staple gun and was pushing it against my right boob and pulled the trigger, he had thought that the gun was empty so was a bit shocked when a staple appeared.... So of course he had to then do a matching one in the other boob!!! they felt very different to the needles and stung coming out...
Once I had calmed down MG asked if I had considered cutting at all and between me and Ste we explained about my previous problem with self harming and he wanted to try as it was coming from a different place. So I lay back down and he prepared a blade and then when I was ready he started out with a few simple lines acoss the top of my right shoulder.
It felt so different to when I used to do it to myself, yes it was painful and there was a release of emotions but even though I knew what was being done it didn't feel like I was having my skin cut. When I used to do it myself I would feel the skin splitting as the knife ran along it and with that split I would feel all the negative emotions and pain spilling out and leaving me so that I felt light and empty again. This was more of a rush of emotions and sensations that filled me instead of emptying me. Since I was okay with the lines MG went on to do a christmas tree and then a pentagram.
All in all I really enjoyed the day but before we did it I did not consider myself to have got over a lot of the issues that I know used to make me self harm but having gone through the experience I didn't have the responses I thought I would and I am still processing all stuff that is going through my head.
I think one of the main things I am trying to process is the fact that just 2 years ago when I started on this journey I would not have considered having a cutting down and needles where only a vague curiosity. In fact going back over my old checklists I did for Al cutting was a hard limit and I know that I crossed it yesterday and even though I have been considering it for a few months now it is still something that I really need to actually acknowledge in my own mind....
V1 - 05/03/09 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V2 - 09/05/10 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V3 - 01/04/11 - Cutting = 2 (curious), Needles = 2 (curious would have to trust partner)
I think it will take a few days for it to fully sink in but I am processing it slowly but surely. Will try and keep this thing updated as to where my head is...
Went to see MG at his house for some needle play and I admit that I was very nervous about it all, I always have been interested in them but always been too nervous to actually consider getting it done. But over the last few months I have seen certain pics and they have been appealing to me more and more so speaking to MG at the last munch and then on MSN he offered to let me try needles.
I agreed as I know from talking to Al and others on the scene that he is one of the best for needles in the area. I was SOOOOO nervous that on the way there I was really quiet the whole ride there. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to do it even up to the point that I was lying in just my undies on the med table. I was watching MG prepare all the needles and I still felt like bolting even as he unwrapped the first of the needles.
He started out anice and easy with me doing a line of each of the different sizes in my left shoulder, the first few didn't really hurt, they just stung a bit, but towards the thicker end they bloody hurt. And then he started taking them out and even though some of them hurt when they were out and I could feel the blood trickling down my back the endorphin rush was good!!!
So after stopping the bleeding and using the lovely stingy savlon stray on my shoulder (not to clean the area but because it stings) he started using them in myleft butt cheek, he did 2 lots of needles and the big pink ones still hurt, especially when he was weaving them under and over the other needles he had put in.
This is the second batch of needles.....
When he was doing the needles in my butt he also put 2 in my sides just below my ribs and they really really sucked..... but one they were in it actually felt really good, it even felt pretty good when he took them out, even the trickle of blood that travelled down my ribs.... The alcohol gel the boys used to clean the area did suck more than the savlon spray but then I have done that to myself with various cuts etc....
The next bit was the hard bit though.... MG had me sit up on the table and he put a few needles in my boobs and all of a sudden I could feel the tears building. So he took them out and then had me create a nice deep cleaveage and he tried to get one of the really long needles to go into both sides of the cleavage. For some reason I started to crumble when he did this, and he only managed to get one in the left side, so he simply put another needle into the other side. Unfortunately this started the total breakdown and I just sat there tears running down my face with my hand up to try and not be a soggy ball of goo....
MG then asked if I would prefer a pink needle in the boob or a smalled one in the nipple and he got one out of the pack, Ste thinks that this point that I went into a mild shocky stage as I was just crying and batting the needle away, I didn't even notice that I had slightly caught my hand on the needle. All I remember is crying and trying really hard to stop...
The boys had to point out that I had to lower my hands so that the last needles could be taken out and it took all my will power to actually remove my hands and let MG take the needles out... He then let me calm down and was really good about it all, bugger then got out a staple gun and was pushing it against my right boob and pulled the trigger, he had thought that the gun was empty so was a bit shocked when a staple appeared.... So of course he had to then do a matching one in the other boob!!! they felt very different to the needles and stung coming out...
Once I had calmed down MG asked if I had considered cutting at all and between me and Ste we explained about my previous problem with self harming and he wanted to try as it was coming from a different place. So I lay back down and he prepared a blade and then when I was ready he started out with a few simple lines acoss the top of my right shoulder.
It felt so different to when I used to do it to myself, yes it was painful and there was a release of emotions but even though I knew what was being done it didn't feel like I was having my skin cut. When I used to do it myself I would feel the skin splitting as the knife ran along it and with that split I would feel all the negative emotions and pain spilling out and leaving me so that I felt light and empty again. This was more of a rush of emotions and sensations that filled me instead of emptying me. Since I was okay with the lines MG went on to do a christmas tree and then a pentagram.
This is the tree and the lines that he did first, I forgot how much I bled but the trickles did feel nice running down my back...
This was the pentagram that Ste suggested MG did... I will admit the shoulder was really sore by the time he had finished but I was on a bit of an endorphin high from it all. Even feeling the blood welling up and then trickling down felt good.
Once I had been cleaned up and got dressed we went back downstairs and had a chat about how it had gone etc and then MG handed me a pair of socks and I will admit that it felt odd putting them on him as the last person I dressed was Al when he had me do his shirt and cuff links, but it did speak to my service sub side...
All in all I really enjoyed the day but before we did it I did not consider myself to have got over a lot of the issues that I know used to make me self harm but having gone through the experience I didn't have the responses I thought I would and I am still processing all stuff that is going through my head.
I think one of the main things I am trying to process is the fact that just 2 years ago when I started on this journey I would not have considered having a cutting down and needles where only a vague curiosity. In fact going back over my old checklists I did for Al cutting was a hard limit and I know that I crossed it yesterday and even though I have been considering it for a few months now it is still something that I really need to actually acknowledge in my own mind....
V1 - 05/03/09 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V2 - 09/05/10 - Cutting = No, Needles = 1 (would depend of trust of partner)
V3 - 01/04/11 - Cutting = 2 (curious), Needles = 2 (curious would have to trust partner)
I think it will take a few days for it to fully sink in but I am processing it slowly but surely. Will try and keep this thing updated as to where my head is...
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Update
Well I had the coil taken out 2 weeks ago now and I have to admit that my moods are finally starting to stabalise I think. Even the PMT this week was nowhere near as bad as it has been in the last 6 months or so. The shiny things did not talk to me and I only got teary and emotional 1 day instead of the whole week before.
I didn't know if it was going to have any effect but I am quite shocked at how quickly it has worked for me. I have been more tired than normal but if that is the only side effect then I can live with that.
Work is getting better too, Karen is finally finding her feet as the manager and I have kind of stopped caring about it being a mindnumbingly boring job. Though it is amusing that this coming week I will be training our newest member of staff, myself being the next newest member now that Ros has been medically signed off.
Morse have agreed to make me permanent on 19K, this should give me much more stability and better prospects in the long term.
I didn't know if it was going to have any effect but I am quite shocked at how quickly it has worked for me. I have been more tired than normal but if that is the only side effect then I can live with that.
Work is getting better too, Karen is finally finding her feet as the manager and I have kind of stopped caring about it being a mindnumbingly boring job. Though it is amusing that this coming week I will be training our newest member of staff, myself being the next newest member now that Ros has been medically signed off.
Morse have agreed to make me permanent on 19K, this should give me much more stability and better prospects in the long term.
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